Upward Spiral

To say the past 6 weeks have been difficult is an understatement. And it wasn’t the entire 6 weeks of life, just this course. I’m way out of my comfort zone in the land of statistics and quantitative research. Also very concerned I’ll have the same professor next course. I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered such a large number of unhelpful people.

For example, I reached out to several classmates for their take on a certain assignment where I was struggling beyond belief. Nothing. Nada. No response. No acknowledgement whatsoever. The professor was only slightly more helpful and that was after I basically begged for help. Talk about disheartening. Yes, I recognize a PhD program is very lonely. However, where is the people aspect? What has happened to make us so closed off and unwilling or unable to simply acknowledge another? Clearly, that’s rhetorical.

Like I said, it was rough. At one point, I began to spiral into the line of thinking that maybe the program wasn’t for me, that I needed a break, that maybe my best wasn’t good enough, even what was the bare minimum I could get away with. I was struggling. However, the power of perspective is just that – incredibly powerful. I worshipped with my loudest voice, I sat alone in thought, and I was reminded of what I needed to do. Keep trying, Kel.

P.S. Eventually a fellow classmate did respond. And, by eventually, I mean more than a week later. On the bright side, there was a response.

________________________

I ask you –

How’s your life treating you? Do tell!

What is your go-to event/activity/self help reasoning when things get tough?

Tell me something good you have going on!

(The post Upward Spiral first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

They Beckon Me

A small voice calls to me from my sleep. Do you want coffee, Kel? Doesn’t matter that it’s 2am, 5am, mid-afternoon. I always answer yes. Short of labeling it an addiction, coffee is comfort. It’s my siren song.

In a vain attempt at creating coffee shop-worthy drinks, I made my own cold brew. Not half bad. However, the espresso beans were a bit past their shelf life so it turned out somewhat bitter. I still drank it. Then I ordered new beans.

Chicka D’s, of course

Also, I had a small issue with remembering to complete my fasted blood work so I was forced to reschedule which resulted in a nearly lunchtime appointment. Fasted. Starving. Not in a great overall mood. That particular day called for a third caffeinated beverage, mainly as a reward for not harming anyone.

I don’t know how some people do it. How do they survive without these magical beans? I never want to find out.

________________________

I ask you –

How much coffee do you drink per day?

Does the need for coffee ever wake you up?

Tell me about the last time you forgot an important appointment!

(The post They Beckon Me first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Girl Can Dream

As there are some travel plans during my month long holiday break, of course I took the opportunity to see if there were any nearby races. I can’t help it. There weren’t; however, it made me contemplate a training plan. I’m consistently running 12-15 miles per week now and I feel strong. Running throughout the summer really established a great base albeit difficult to circumvent the Texas heat. Yet somehow I did it. A few moments were touchy but I think I excelled at staying hydrated and playing safely.

But I’m leary of the incredible inflammation that comes with a training regimen. And I really don’t have the necessary time to devote to it with my school schedule. My knee is in a good place, too, so I can’t fathom disrupting the work and maintenance it requires to stay healthy.

Notwithstanding, this course load is rough. It’s only one course. Anything statistics related is my Achilles heel. Even when I am the professor what he envisions, it doesn’t end well. Maybe he doesn’t know either. All I do know is there’s about 3 weeks remaining and I’m counting down the days.

Returning to running, I’m consistently making it out for a few miles a few times a week and then usually a long(er) run on the weekends. Like I said before. My plan is to maintain this schedule during the winter and spring then see what next summer looks like. An immersive dissertation year will be upon me. We shall see.

I may not be sleeping or dreaming as much as before, but soon enough they will return.

____________________________

I ask you –

What kind of mileage have you been running or walking lately?

Do you typically dream?

Give me some advice for when I’m not sleeping well!

(The post A Girl Can Dream first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 2

I know I said this would be a series, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Probably should have known that.

When some research literally brainwashes you into such a position that you have no idea what’s reality and what’s utter BS – does that mean you’ve finally made it?! I’m so far into the weeds, I honestly can’t tell. All I know is I started writing and didn’t put the proverbial pen down until it was complete. Which is a far cry better than writer’s block, in my opinion. Especially when I’m getting paid to write. Details.

Completely confident my entire dissertation is/will be a load of garbage. Which is funny because I was so excited about it initially. I wanted to change the course of research! I wanted to contribute to the knowledge base. Now? Please let me survive this with a small semblance of sanity.

The hardship and coinciding blessing of a doctoral program is loneliness. There’s little if any interaction with other students so you lose that human touch, the connectedness. As most are online programs, it’s not like I can reach out to a fellow student for advice. Even worse is when a professor either gives no feedback or such subjective feedback that it feels like they missed the point entirely. It’s not that I need acknowledgement because I recognize this is a choice I made, but it wouldn’t kill them to acknowledge it either.

Like I said, I’m so far into the weeds of analysis lately I don’t even know where reality is anymore. In the meantime, I’ll just keep pulling crap out of the bottom of the dumpster and selling it as my own!

__________________________

I ask you –

Do you have any mottos?

Where does sanity even come from?

Tell me about a time when you expected acknowledgement and it never came.

(The post Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 2 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

How’s It Going?

For seemingly no reason at all, last week literally kicked my arse. Team No Sleep – I was averaging 4 hrs of sleep per night, my Garmin was almost on the fritz with the what-is-wrong-with-you? Weirdly I kept having this recurring dream about a bobcat. I’m clueless. When I finally exhausted the bobcat dreams, it progressed to gummy bears. I give up.

Volleyball – I spent more time on the ground than I did upright and my body bore the marks. Even with knee pads, I tore open my knee from a previous week’s injury sans kneepads. Note to self – purchase better kneepads. My grandmother would be appalled. She had this thing about women having pretty knees. As a teenager, I made a wildly inappropriate joke and she was not pleased! Nonetheless, I think my second career as a knee model is doomed. My body looks and feels like it got run over. There was one point in the game when I fell on the floor and the ball wasn’t even near me. How, Kel?! Obviously in volleyball the object is to stay low but I just … fell. Who needs hips anyway.

Teamwork

By the end of the week, the events really started to ramp up. We hosted a run/walk/remember 5k so, of course, like a good little overachiever, I planned to run it knowing well enough I had blood work following it. Hydration? Psshhhh. So I devised a plan to bribe a friend to be my water girl during the run so I could ensure I stayed hydrated. Conflict of interest? Maybe. More importantly, the blood work part of the day never materialized because it was FASTED blood work and I drank my coffee, ate breakfast, downed electrolytes, and did all the things one should not do before fasted blood work. Alas, I had to reschedule. More to follow.

Finally, I received a B+ on the paper I had stressed and stayed up countless hours writing with literally a miniscule of guidance from the professor. Not pleased. So, I sulked for a day and ate a pint of ice cream (keto, of course).

The next morning – back at it. Indeed, life does go on.

______________________

I ask you –

Have you been having trouble sleeping, too?

Did you forget to fast before blood work?

Tell me how it’s going for you!

(The post How’s It Going first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 1

Just when I get things figured out – BOOM! Another dumpster fire of doctoral proportions. Yes, I knew this wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t expect it to be so confusing either.

Allow me to elaborate:

Professor: Write this paper using my special outline with such specific instructions that you can’t deviate. 20 pages.

Me: Stressed. Writing. Done.

Professor: Now write this other paper using my super generic outline without context. 30 pages.

Me: But you want an outline? Of 30 pages? Copy. Paste. Done.

Professor: NOT LIKE THAT!

In other related news – the first part of this degree process was conferred. Whoohoo!

Allow me to bask in the accomplishment for a second. Ok, it’s over. I need to write more.

Intention: This will most definitely be a series of posts so I’ve named it thusly. Standby.

____________________

I ask you –

Have you ever been dumpster diving? Not purposefully.

Are you the creator of mixed messages?

Tell me something you’ve done lately that you’re proud of!

(The post Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 1 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Good Place – writing and running

My newest class is loosely based on research design and how I better get my life together prior to next year’s dissertation. Not entirely joking. I was quite pleased that my final feedback last course was this “Kelly – you’re an original thinker…”. Translation: you’re full of crap. Pardon me while I focus on that original part.

I went old school

Thus far, I thought this research class was going to be tougher than it is. Famous last words! I never knew there was so much psychological and worldview theory behind research methods. As I’m trying my hardest to incorporate a projected dissertation idea into each course to alleviate how much stress I feel next year, there’s a lot of pressure to get this right but, if I can manage it, then it will pay off. Correction: it’s actually really difficult and I have zero idea what I’m doing.

Speaking of things paying off: somehow I have consistently run a few miles a few times a week for a few months now. Despite the heat that threatens to a) burn up the entire state and b) dehydrate me on a cellular level, I get up early and run when I can. I’m so ready for cooler temperatures yet with everything I have going on I haven’t missed racing. This is a good place to be in.

Despite the weather, the lack of professor involvement, and some very convoluted paper instructions, things are going well. I’m even mostly standing upright!

____________________

I ask you –

What do you know about research designs?

Has the weather begun to change where you live?

“Original thinker” sounded like a compliment, right? Just go with it.

(The post A Good Place – writing and running first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Summer Update, finale

I was able to run on Monday morning which was truly the highlight of my workweek. It wasn’t blistering hot and I managed a few easy miles that I knew would carry me over until I could either run again or make it to volleyball mid-week. The volleyball happened first. We had a huge turnout with a few new faces and enough players to have 3 teams. My little volleyball dream has morphed into a following.

Mini attended a beach birthday party with a new friend, played too hard in the swimming pool, and spent her last 2 days in Cali on the couch resting. Indeed she looked exhausted at the end of the week when Spare Parts and I made the trek to retrieve her from the airport. Also, she immediately ran right past me into Part’s arms so I put her in her place. As I stood there dumbfounded. The nerve!

In doctoral news, this current class may be the death of me. No jokes. Despite being incredibly thankful the professor has painstakingly answered every question I have – soooo many of them – I still don’t know what to write to satisfy each module’s requirements. I would love for it to be more generalized so I can write the way I typically do; however, the expectations are so specific that it makes it feel impossible. I know there’s a lesson in this but right now I’m wallowing in stress and self-pity. Just a short time remaining until the sand and sea call my name from a balcony overlooking the ocean. In the meantime, mini will be glued to my side, talking endlessly, and entertaining me with her own brand of humor.

I hope I make it.

Finally, thank you all for tuning in these past 8 weeks for my sanity check during mini’s summer adventures. School will start soon enough and surely I’ll be regaling you with that experience. Hope you have an incredible Monday!

__________________

I ask you –

Have you ever attended a beach birthday party?

What’s something funny you’ve heard lately?

Tell me about your most recent struggle.

(The post Summer Update, finale first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Summer Update, wk 7

So close to the finish line. This course, however…sheesh.

There are times when I will do literally anything to find a way not to write. Fortunately, it’s not often but some days are tougher than others. I’ll do things I absolutely hate just to avoid writing. With an upcoming vacation on the horizon, I feel a lot of pressure to get ahead in this course and write papers back to back. My mind is not cooperative. If I have to complete a paper while basking in the ocean breeze, so be it. But my mental stamina is suffering right now contemplating writing anything more than the bare minimum. Hopefully it’s just a phase.

What’s funny about July’s Book Club book is that no matter how much or how little I try, I will forever be attracted to the ocean. It calls to me like a siren song of proportions I cannot fathom. Or maybe I’m just ready for a vacation.

In other news, I received an invitation to return to game night! If you’ll remember several weeks ago, there was concern my Sailor mouth would ban me from all civil company. Alas, I behaved myself (minus the winning part, of which I did, of which no one really liked). So odd. This time I proudly announced “I came to win!”. No confusion there. And, Spare Parts won this time. We’re a bit of a force to be reckoned with.

Mini had an opportunity to attend VBS since she missed both Texas and Tennessee’s sessions. She makes friends like I do – presumably by talking too much and dragging them along on her adventures. It works for us. She has also befriended a much younger girl whom she reads to and plays in the pool with. Henceforth, I am prepared for inquiries for a baby sister when she returns. To be clear, we’ve had this discussion several times and my appropriate Naval answer is always “that ship has sailed.”

Sailed. And then sank. No possibility of recovery. She’ll just have to embrace being an only child. Somehow I have no doubt she’ll find a way.

___________________

I ask you –

Do you play board or card games? We played dominoes and spoons.

Are you the talker in your friendships/relationships?

Tell me your only child advice!

(The post Summer Update, wk 7 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Angels and Stress, an Unlikely Relationship

I had an epiphany one (very very early) morning as I was thinking about and missing mini. Some parents describe their child as an angel, not necessarily in behavior (because liars) but just in the term of endearment way. I highly doubt I’ll ever use the term angel when speaking of mini and not because I don’t love who she is. But who she is isn’t angelic – she’s fireworks, she’s lightning, she’s demanding of time and attention, she makes you question yourself and everything you believe, she’s inquisitive, she’s HILARIOUS, she’s witty, and she’s brave. I could go on. She forces me to evaluate the little things. She encourages me to face my fears as a parent and as a woman. She’s my biggest fan and strongest critic.

Peanut butter whiskey + Cranberry = Liquid PB&J: also an unlikely relationship

You know who else is my biggest critic? Yours truly. For example, I received a deduction of 3 points for a Wk 1 discussion post regarding federalism and intergovernmental relationships. Remember last week when I said it was absolute garbage of a post and I lamented how I had been sooooo hard on others? Hello, pot. Meet my new friend. Here I was – down on myself for missing the mark, for not achieving a perfect score, blah blah blah. Sometimes I really must make a concentrated effort to remember that absolutely no one cares! It’s 3 measly points and impacts nothing. I still got an A. And do you think anyone will ever ask me what grade I got in the course? I’ll let you decide.

Lastly, throttling my desire to research the most obscure of topics and concepts is not fun. Whilst searching for an appropriate topic in my current course – Intergovernmental Relations – I found many topics I’d love to delve into but considering my past investigative history I thought it best not to. Ugh. Indeed I love to argue points not traditionally considered commonplace but I don’t fancy explaining them to the authorities. Alas, I’ll just find a vanilla topic and press on.

This final class to round out the 1st year is giving me a run for my money. Stress levels – maxed out.

__________________________

I ask you –

What was your last epiphany?

On a scale of 1 to put me out of my misery, how interesting do you think intergovernmental relations is? Negative 7.

Tell me a stress solution!

(The post Angels and Stress, an Unlikely Relationship first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)