Friendship Funny Farm, pt 2

Back on the subject of friendships and how I pretty much suck at making new ones, it turns out one of mini’s classmates/friend is the daughter of a young man I worked with at Sonic a billion years ago because I’m old. Correction: I’m not the typical kindergartener’s mother’s age. And I’m totally fine with this!

Credit: fuckologyofficial via Instagram

Anyway, I’ve had a few encounters with this classmate’s mother, who is married to the guy I worked with. Keep up. The classmate is sweet and seems to do well in school. If mini’s antecdotes are to be believed. Each “Mommy encounter” has been pleasant until recently. I have her number saved and we’ve text before – she seems nice. However, the most recent time I saw her she said wildly funny things. She made an Anna Nicole Smith joke – God rest her soul. What’s funny is I’m old enough to get the joke. She also underscored the struggles we’re going through as parents with very needy children! And if you know anything about me to this point, then you know my mom abilities border on the completely unprepared. By border, I mean fall spectacularly short.

Herein lies the real issue. I want to be friends with this hilarious woman. But I’m not good at the making friends thing. I believe I’m the funniest woman on earth so this should be simple, right? Make a few jokes, endear myself to her, then pounce! Did this get weird? Or are you supposed to court them first? Told you…old lady here. Do I schmooze her with coffee? What if she doesn’t like coffee? Hard pass. We can’t be friends. Ever. I’ve already stalked her on social media which is how I found out about the husband/previous coworker piece. At least I’m honest!

parking lot motivation

Did you know: Children laugh, on average, 150 times a day. Adults laugh, on average, only six times a day. This is why adults are so grumpy! Because they don’t laugh enough. Find something to laugh at! I suggest starting with yourself.

Finally, my self-talk game is getting ridiculous. I sound like I’m talking to a geriatric horse. Come on, ole girl, the stairs aren’t too bad. See. Told you I was funny.

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I ask you –

How many friends do you have?

What should I do to make her be my friend?

Tell me how funny I am!

Rants & Raves, RoF Edition

There’s a time to rant and there’s a time to praise. Unfortunately, now is not the latter. It could be, but it’s not.

Credit: momsbehavingbadly via Instagram

Group text from school system with individual phone numbers listed: blah blah blah, your child’s order is in; report to this place between these hours

Random number: What do we do if we didn’t receive our entire order?

Me: I’ll tell you what you don’t do! Don’t reply all to this message because it’s probably a) unattended and b) unlikely to help your situation. But it will make the remainder of us who didn’t ask to be a part of this group text really angry.

If you intend to homeschool your children, then please do so. Emphasis on the school part. When your teenager can’t tie their shoes, your schooling ideas are failing. Choosing to homeschool your children makes you directly responsible for their education. You have forgone the right to blame public education for your mistakes. Shoes and all. Home schooling is not an excuse to not send your children to school.  It’s a conscious choice to take sole responsibility in creating valued members of society. Not for the faint of heart, I’m sure. I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. Note: wanted…past tense.

And if this isn’t enough to make you laugh, then you’re beyond help. Mini, along with her classmates, was instructed to bring bite-sized pieces of things to the class’s Thanksgiving feast. Parents were told to choose 3-4 items, then you would be told which of your choices to bring to school. Some followed the instructions, others not so much. When I positively told mini what she (I) had been assigned, her disdain and palpable disbelief was comical only to me. Days later, she still sounds upset whilst I giggle.

Celery. Mini had to bring celery. Apparently it’s the most hated food ever. My thought was some child will be overjoyed to see celery because it’s their favorite food! Alas, nothing could be worse than being the child chosen to bring… celery.

Final update: as I suspected, there was ONE child who proclaimed their love of celery.

Mommy: 1. Life: 8,374,150.

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I ask you –

How much do you ensure not to reply all when it’s not warranted?

Were you homeschooled? How did it work out for you?

Name your most despised food! Sauerkraut, for one.

Day in Photos, pt 75

This is more like a week in photos. Work with me.

My cherry tomato plant is still thriving, even into November! Perhaps bucket planting is the way to go next year.

Tooth fairy time, round 2. In an unexpected turn of events, she let it be pulled out by her Papa. Shocking. I was no part of any of these festivities. Teeth – when they’re not in a mouth – gross me out. $2 later, we have a winner.

There was also a week of drug-free activities, aka Red Ribbon Week. I’m still a little confused by this and I believe many memes already exist but I’m going to say it anyway…no one (I repeat, no one) has ever offered me drugs. I was offered cigarettes a lot, but not like real, illegal drugs. Maybe cocaine was too rich then. Anyway, just say no.

I digress. One of the week’s dress up days consisted of pajama day! My workplace really needs to get it together. Since I got to take my mini to school that day, we stopped for coffee first. Because no pajama day is complete without a huge coffee.

Edit: I heard, errr read, about National Novel Writing Month, aka NaNoWriMo, a nonprofit that challenges writers to complete 50,000 words in the month of November (roughly 1667 words daily). So it’s like a running streak, but writing instead. If you’re reading this, then you may/may not know today is November 1st. The organization encourages writers to participate in the daily goal in order to complete a novel, but many use it to brainstorm blog posts, etc. Always up for a good writing task. Let’s see how this goes!

Thank you to https://brianlageose.blog/2021/10/30/friday-night-clam-bake-35-its-almost-the-time-of-year-when-i-do-that-questionable-thing-that-confuses-most-people/ for the idea!

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I ask you –

Are any of your vegetables still alive?

What’s the going rate for a tooth nowadays? I think I’m getting scammed.

Tell me something funny about your week!

Saving the Post Office / Why not?

…one child at a time. Occasionally, ideas for posts arrive in the most unexpected ways. Hahah posts, get it, get it. Well, you’re about to!

First, read this article. This is how it started: I found the below on Instagram and sent it to the one person in my life whom I knew 1000% wouldn’t report me to the authorities (or NSA) for thinking this concept is hilarious.

Credit: @sammichespsychmeds via Instagram

In true best friend fashion, Jason encouraged my wonky sense of humor by recalling where sending your child via postal service was actually a real thing. Of course it was!

Relatedly, I shipped a hoodie from TX to TN and it cost $15 which is only about $10 more than the hoodie cost. Hello, post office people. It really is a barrier to shipping anything with costs like that, but I continue to support them. Alas, I would never attempt to ship my precious mini anywhere; however, with the rising cost of airplane tickets I may consider it more than usual. Usually I never consider it.

Now I just want to make stork jokes. Stop it Kel. Too many times I’ve shared here my love for mailing cards, letters, etc. It’s my thing! Even on the radio one morning, the hosts were debating reasons why you shouldn’t mail thank you cards. They reasoned it’s an outdated medium and much easier to send a text or a video to say thank you. I don’t know about you, but I actually still have some family members without texting/videoing capabilities. She’s 93, I believe she can make her own rules. Would it be easier to send her videos? Absolutely! But do I get angry, unhappy, or put out by stamping a letter? No. I imagine the joy she feels from receiving a card is the same joy I receive when opening a card. Channel that joy and send someone a card today!

Standby for the cost of mailing a 55 lb package. It’s only coincidence that’s how much mini weighs.

______________________

I ask you –

On a scale of always to never, how often do you use the postal service?

Did you know there was a time children were mailed?

Share your best ‘I wish I could’ve mailed someone’ story!

Weirdo and Other Words I’m Proud to be Called

I’m what some may consider a clockaholic. News to me. Wish I could quantify the facial expressions of people around me when I stated I like to remove the batteries from the clocks and set the time permanently to a meaningful number in my life, like my Dad’s birthday.

It’s not a struggle (yet) but it definitely doesn’t come easy – properly fueling before, during, and after training. I know I have to eat to be strong in order to accomplish my goals. Mainly the 2:10 goal. It would “just” be an 8 minute PR, but 8 minutes over the course of 13 miles does not leave a lot of room for error. But pre-run fuel is not my happy place. As I type this, I’m eating toast. Solid, simple choice. But I’m laughing (ruefully) because I ran nearly 5 miles recently on nothing but a scoop of peach jelly. You’re an idiot, Kel. That’s not proper fuel! I’m trying to do better.

The following is a sentence I never imagined I’d say. Certainly not at work. “Why are there ants in the toilet?” And apparently the high bun I wear when a) I workout, b) I don’t feel like washing my hair, and c) I’m trying to get sh*t done – so basically all the time – is what mini refers to as “Mama’s pineapple hair”.

Wonderful. Just wonderful.

_______________________

I ask you –

Have you ever used a weird name to describe yourself?

What’s your favorite weird phrase?

Give me your fuel suggestions!

For Real?

Like… really? Title in progress.

I love blogging. Really, I do. And I love reading other blogs. Yeppers! But the ones who spend 6 paragraphs detailing the “best holiday desserts” and have the outright gall – that’s French for cajones – to include a recipe for Poached Pears is out of their mind. WHO eats poached pears? Nevermind…what is a poached pear? And for the holidays? No!

Fall is finally upon us. Admittedly I cried when I woke up the first day, remembered it was a Wednesday, and realized I don’t run on Wednesdays. Not all Wednesdays, just currently. I should have changed my training schedule, but I had a doctor’s appointment that day. At least it seems the 50s are here to stay through the overnight hours.

Speaking of doctors, the nurse quietly asked me if I was still breastfeeding. Mind you, we’d already discussed I had a 5 yr old. Way to go! – to the women still nursing five years later. However, I’m not one of them. Are you for real? – to the timid nurse at the VA. Glad she took my blood pressure before the interrogation.

My how time flies when you’re getting old and don’t remember when you graduated.

The last time I saw this stage was 2011 when I graduated from Wayland Baptist University with a Master’s degree. P.S. my phone changed “graduated” to some weird combination of those letters that made no sense and I considered leaving it like that.

For real? Yes, it sounds about right.

______________________

I ask you –

Is the phrase ‘for real’ too casual for professional conversation?

How often a day do you use this phrase?

Tell me your best ARE YOU FOR REAL? story!

Humor Knows No Bounds + Tetris Master?

The adventures in Bonnywood Manor are some of my favorites to read. Brian’s humor is the best!

In keeping with more office-themed things, here’s a few nuggets: my title should be changed to calendar girl. But not the sexy, mildly inappropriate calendar girl you may have immediately been considering. More like I play Tetris with calendars and am on standby for changes at a moment’s notice. In fact, a wonderful co-worker called me with these words – “Let’s play a game!” – which really wasn’t a fun game at all because it involved moving around days’ worth of events to accommodate some last minute silliness. Good thing I love her.

She said “Can I take my own picture?”

Also, as the reigning queen of dad jokes, it’s my sworn duty to entertain strangers with punny, simple jokes. To my own delight, of course. I feel like our security team draws straws on who has to deal with me when my car rounds the bend. I’m on the “do not engage” list. Occasionally they laugh with me (at me?) and I congratulate myself on a job well done. I’ll be here all week, folks!

Hallelujah for the return of football

Lastly, soon they’ll be requiring IQ tests in my workplace. Hahah, I wish. Short of missing a few crayons, inability to decipher which floor we’re on, and following basic computer instructions, I think it’s going well! It’s just a three ring circus without a grandmaster.

Clap, clap. Ohhhhhhh, cabana boyyyyy!!!

_______________________________

I ask you –

Want to join my circus?

Are you the problem child of your organization? Be honest!!

Please check out fellow blogger, Brian Lageose. He’s hilarious!

What Matters Most / Prioritizing

Making Priorities

Faith/Family

Forgiveness. Redemption. Grace. Kindness. Among many others, these are words that mean much to me. Being responsible for a family unit is quite a burden to bear which is why I believe the next few points are incredibly important. Responsibility weighs heavily on the shoulders of those who choose to accept the load. (and sometimes there’s no choice)

It has been said that ‘the two greatest days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why’. God created you with a purpose in mind (2 Corinthians 5:5). Indeed there are big plans for me.

Sleep

My body has an internal alarm clock prompting me to go to bed at 8:30pm. Every. Single. Night. Like my dad, I’ve always been a morning person. It has served me well! 9 hours is my optimal, pre-programmed amount of sleep necessary for a fully functioning day. I’m a light sleeper and have little trouble falling asleep, but find difficulty in staying asleep.

This may sound like I put way too much priority on knowing about my own sleep patterns. However, recognizing the importance of sleep and how it affects your body is something I think many take for granted. Sleep – or lack thereof – is attributed to weight, outlook on life, stress, and disease. When we sleep, our bodies recuperate from innumerable daily encounters with germs, people, and events, as well as prepare us for days ahead. Personally I think consistent sleep schedules are one of the most important ways to set up children for success.

Running

As I’ve probably mentioned before, streaking is such a confidence booster. Even when it’s only 1 mile a day, the proof is tangible. Typically I notice a difference 2 weeks into it – I’m lighter on my feet, stamina is high, and the urge to keep running is overwhelming. Although I despise treadmill running, the routine (aka priority) of running at lunch (aka runch) is much needed. My lunch hour at work is nearly sacred. Soon enough, you can find me back on the roads near the office happily making the rounds.

Badminton!

It’s important mini sees me doing what I love. Running helps in many ways: decreases anxiety, increases the feel-good hormones, and recharges my people’ing batteries. We all need an outlet, if you will. Mine is found inside a pair of running shoes.

_____________________

I ask you –

How many hours of sleep do you average nightly?

What is your outlet?

Share a priority I may have missed here!

Day(s) in Photos, pt 29

Finally found a huge pretzel! It’s not pretzel bites, but it will do for the time being.

When I have time on my hands, I attempt to decorate them.

Beer shoes?!? Brooks outdid themselves this time. I feel like these shoes speak volumes to runner’s priorities.

Although I love the below list of words, I feel as if it’s missing one: whackadoo!

Credit: @hardcorecomedy2.0 via Instagram

Finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for – ta da!!! 2 years of Gummies netted me a whole hour of unlimited line boosts. I was super excited by this prize until I realized it was not the same as a whole hour of unlimited lives. So in approximately 12 mins I was out of lives and had to wait 10+ mins to get another life, repeat, etc.

I really need to get help.

_______________________

I ask you –

On a scale of 1 to no longer being my friend, how much do you love huge pretzels?

What word is missing from the list?

Honest opinions only: is my Gummy addiction out of control?

An Open Letter

…to the pretzel shop in our rather dismal, dying mall.

Dear Pretzel Peoples, I really needed you to come through for me. Let me explain: my kindergartner just finished her first full week of school. Earlier in the week, this child (my child) who rarely asks for anything, asked – politely – if we could go to the mall this weekend to get pretzel bites. As any proud mom would do, I smiled and replied affirmative. The weekend came. After many other unexplainable events of which were not her fault, we arrived at said mall to purchase said pretzel bites. “The ones that are all buttery and delicious”, she said. Unbeknownst to us, your pretzel bite location was closed. To my shock, I read the posted sign detailing your legal and financial woes. As my young child stared in horror at the darkened heat lamps and noticeable lack of “buttery pretzel bite” smell, the realization began to sink in. There would be no pretzel bites for her today. And, according to the date in March 2021, there had not been any pretzel bites in quite some time. I hope you understand this: I get it. Times are hard, the economy is a rollercoaster, the list goes on. But I made a promise to a young lady who had her heart set on pretzel bites. Yes, the buttery, delicious ones. Of which you let me down. You, pretzel people, did not hold up your end of the bargain. Therefore, I had a sad, disappointed, mildly angry child to explain to, in an age-appropriate way, why there would be no pretzel bites today. I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN IN THIS SITUATION! You should be ashamed of the second-best option I presented to her. Sure, cookies and smoothies and coffee are some of her favorite things. To be honest, they are some of my favorite things, as well. However, they were not pretzel bites! They were not what I promised. You should make this right. Sincerely, the mother of a pretzel bite-loving girl.

__________________________

I ask you –

Have you ever made a promise you couldn’t fulfill but which was completely out of your control?

Do you enjoy pretzel bites?

Please pass this on to anyone you may know whom owns a pretzel bite business. They need to know how important this business is to at least one young girl.