Angels and Stress, an Unlikely Relationship

I had an epiphany one (very very early) morning as I was thinking about and missing mini. Some parents describe their child as an angel, not necessarily in behavior (because liars) but just in the term of endearment way. I highly doubt I’ll ever use the term angel when speaking of mini and not because I don’t love who she is. But who she is isn’t angelic – she’s fireworks, she’s lightning, she’s demanding of time and attention, she makes you question yourself and everything you believe, she’s inquisitive, she’s HILARIOUS, she’s witty, and she’s brave. I could go on. She forces me to evaluate the little things. She encourages me to face my fears as a parent and as a woman. She’s my biggest fan and strongest critic.

Peanut butter whiskey + Cranberry = Liquid PB&J: also an unlikely relationship

You know who else is my biggest critic? Yours truly. For example, I received a deduction of 3 points for a Wk 1 discussion post regarding federalism and intergovernmental relationships. Remember last week when I said it was absolute garbage of a post and I lamented how I had been sooooo hard on others? Hello, pot. Meet my new friend. Here I was – down on myself for missing the mark, for not achieving a perfect score, blah blah blah. Sometimes I really must make a concentrated effort to remember that absolutely no one cares! It’s 3 measly points and impacts nothing. I still got an A. And do you think anyone will ever ask me what grade I got in the course? I’ll let you decide.

Lastly, throttling my desire to research the most obscure of topics and concepts is not fun. Whilst searching for an appropriate topic in my current course – Intergovernmental Relations – I found many topics I’d love to delve into but considering my past investigative history I thought it best not to. Ugh. Indeed I love to argue points not traditionally considered commonplace but I don’t fancy explaining them to the authorities. Alas, I’ll just find a vanilla topic and press on.

This final class to round out the 1st year is giving me a run for my money. Stress levels – maxed out.

__________________________

I ask you –

What was your last epiphany?

On a scale of 1 to put me out of my misery, how interesting do you think intergovernmental relations is? Negative 7.

Tell me a stress solution!

(The post Angels and Stress, an Unlikely Relationship first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Summer Update, wk 5

Mini has now taken her traveling show on the road by returning to Tennessee for the week. Post recital, she vacated her mother’s side in favor of extended family and more summer adventures. I’m not dramatic.

Recital 2023

My southern roots are showing. But only when it comes to food. Tennessee green tomatoes!

The remainder of the week consisted of our final volleyball session, excessive heat warnings, a few runs (before sun-up), and preparations for mud volleyball. More on that next week!

Finally: my apologies to the classmates I made fun of and (possibly) ridiculed for the atrocious discussion posts they have submitted. It’s my turn. Recently I posted the biggest load of garbage that has ever escaped my fingertips. All 1100 words of it. I genuinely had no idea what I was writing and it sounded stupid even as I did. So, please accept this piece of humble pie as a token of my respect. You were probably just muddling through. Because…same.

__________________________

I ask you –

Have you ever had a taste of humble pie?

Do you like fried green tomatoes?

Rumor has it there will be a photo shoot with mini and cows!

On Again/Off Again

Short of 2 instances where I cycled off keto, for me, it has been the best decision. I’ve lost weight, reduced fatigue, and – the main point – decreased migraines from several a week to roughly one per month. I know diet is a polarizing topic and keto is decidedly not for everyone but it’s where I’m at right now.

Back story – I’ve flirted with keto for many years and staying true to it is difficult. It’s restrictive. It requires a level of discipline I haven’t always taken seriously. The past 2 times I cycled off keto, ahem, crashed, was in March for my birthday and mid-May for a long weekend. At this point, I have no reason to say yes to carbs or sugar. Every day that is pain-free is a reminder of the brain fog and sheer pain of navigating the migraine cycle. So if being pain-free means not imbibing in the things I thought I couldn’t live without, then I’m ok with my decisions. It is tough sometimes saying no or modifying a restaurant order – hamburger, no bun, please – but I feel a million times better than I ever have. It’s not to say this is a forever decision; however, I can’t see it not being one either.

Sometimes I wonder what I’ll do with my life when I don’t write papers day and night? When my time isn’t dictated by the magical dissertation? What do I want to be when I grow up?

Training cycle has wrapped up. And even if it hadn’t then my running outdoor days have most definitely. 100°+ in the shade is a hard pass. Alas, I managed a 12 week plan culminating in hundreds of miles, stride workouts, and some quality time in the outdoors. I was careful to stay hydrated throughout the entirety but it is mid-June and it’s time to move on to something else. And that’s a good thing.

___________________

I ask you –

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Do you excel at running when the temperature rises?

Tell me something you plan to do this summer! Survive.

Critical Thinking + Fun

In examining my relationship with food, leaders, bosses, other managers, etc., I started to wonder what my issues are with current leadership. Finally, I condensed it to this: expectation vs delivery. Basically, do I fight against what my supervisor’s expectation is of me and my team or is it the delivery of those expectations that forms my lack of connection? Entirely rhetorical. To be clear, I don’t think I struggle with delivering the information to others; I like to think I’m clear, direct, and instill a sense of purpose. Probably because I can overexplain the most basic of concepts. I’m a “why” person so ask me all the questions – I’ve already asked them, too.

Safe to say, it is 100% the delivery. I have no problem making good on the expectation – I can do that with my eyes closed. Mainly because my own expectations of myself and my team are much higher than anyone else’s. So it just leaves me with an internal problem: the delivery. I’m not sold on how best to alleviate this issue; indeed, it might just be my own issue and no one else’s. And that’s entirely ok.

To offset the seriousness, recently I had some really great zingers and one-liners!

There’s also this – typically, I’ve been able to find something in each of these (thus far, 8) classes that resonates with my work or family or some other part of life. Usually, it happens early on in the course. Imagine my surprise when I’m at week 6 – nearly finished – and just now something from the course struck me as particularly useful. Better late than never!

Lastly, sometimes I’m genuinely surprised to hear about those that have a vested interest in what I have to say. When I’m reminded “Yes, I read your blog.”, it makes me feel appreciated and seen for who I am. What I write here is very personal and deeply me; therefore, anyone who takes time out of their busy lives to peruse these hundreds of posts that I’ve poured my own time and soul into – please accept my gratitude. Your support cannot be put into words.

__________________________

I ask you –

Have you ever had a taste of humble pie?

Do you like fried green tomatoes?

Rumor has it there will be a photo shoot with mini and cows!

Which is more difficult for you: delivery or expectation?

How well do you communicate with others?

Thank you, again. Truly.

(The post Critical Thinking + Fun first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Summer Update, wk 1

Wk 1 of mini’s Californian vacation –

I watched trashy albeit hilarious movies. Huge Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin fan. No, I don’t care about her past. I played on my phone for hours and got zero accomplished. Maybe I wrote a little. Maybe I didn’t. And I lost my voice, presumably attributed to the previous 2 week’s battle with allergies and a summer cold. Moms don’t have time to be sick. And we all know I need a voice when mini is around. Can you imagine? When I think about trying to parent her sans voice, I recognize the propensity for her to be leading a small country. Hmmmm. Maybe she’s the secret weapon to domination. I’ll tout this idea to leadership.

Additionally, I played nearly 2 hours of volleyball, got invited to play on a team for the remainder of the month, and ran. I ran a lot. Eventually my voice came back and people stopped avoiding me. Mini, on the other hand, is enjoying a semi-heated pool, new friends, and probably all the Youtube she could dream of. It makes me laugh when I think of how well-traveled and blessed she is; she really has no idea. While I sit here and go a little crazy with worry, she lives her very best life. Life is a little funny like that.

Miles are a cruel and unforgiving mistress that take nothing else into account but distance. So as I rack up the miles, in June no less, I try to fill my time with papers and plans. This week’s paper wasn’t so bad but next week’s has turned into a sweltering dumpster fire of garbage. Hot flipping garbage. But I’ll get an A. It’s what I do.

__________________________

I ask you –

Have you ever had a taste of humble pie?

Do you like fried green tomatoes?

Rumor has it there will be a photo shoot with mini and cows!

Do you prefer funny or serious movies?

When was the last time you lost your voice?

I wonder what semi-heated actually means. Slightly above freezing, I presume.

Reminds Me of an Analogy –

I spent 2 weeks working on my final paper related to public service motivation theory in the human resource management field, to include the surrounding legalities. That’s really a lot of words. Determined to satisfy a hunch that it didn’t really matter if I had a beautiful outline, abstract, and annotated bibliography, I thought maybe I had put a lot of work in vain into the preparation phase.

Dammit, she was right. It was kind of nice to see this paper come together based on what I had already accomplished. Truly, a good outline makes a difference. And I knew what to expect from the literature because I’d already found everything I needed. Also – way to go, Kel! – I had the foresight to notate source and page number on the outline so I could return to my thought process when I wrote it. Such a genius.

Sometimes my heart starts beating uncontrollably and I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think about writing a dissertation. Hello, anxiety, my good friend. It feels like a mountain I must climb and I dread it. But then something small like this comes together – and there’s a glimmer of hope. One bite at a time. Interestingly, I can definitely see how higher education can make someone cynical and put off by this field.

the many faces of paper writing

However, just like life to kick you a little to remind you who is actually in charge, what I thought was a 10 day break turned into a 3 day break. Although I can’t complain because 3 days is better than 0 days, clearly I’m struggling reading a monthly calendar hence the break is probably much needed. May is quite the wild ride of social and personal engagements. Who needs a break anyway.

_____________________

I ask you –

Are you an emotional facial expressionist?

What does an ideal break look like?

Tell me what brings you joy!

(The post Reminds Me of an Analogy – first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

People. Not Programs.

Sometimes we need a reminder that many (most) of us are surrounded by people and the importance of being a leader is one not to be taken lightly. As it is appraisal season in the fairytale land of federal government employment, it’s time for me to administer them. While my own was a pleasant experience and nearly always has been, predecessors have royally convoluted the process and make it seem like a dirty word. It can be disheartening to build trust and camaraderie when employees are fearful, distrustful, and generally blah (which is definitely a scientific word). Often I find myself correcting others when I’m referred to as a manager. That’s not me. I strive to be a leader of people and a manager of programs. People are our mission; programs are our resource.

All this being said – work has posed some challenges lately. Seems this course on human resources and the legalities surrounding it have taken a toll on my decision-making skills. Not necessarily in a bad way; just that I’ve repeatedly questioned whether or not I’m doing the right thing. Turns out I think I have. But still.

So far, these are my (and by “my” I mean I didn’t do much…the team did) shining moments: hosted a staff meeting that included a rousing game of volleyball of which I am (ongoing) healing from; established 24/7 access to a gym that did not previously have this amenity, and completed a 3 week streak of consistent call-ins yet managed to recover. I can’t understand why my award-writing skills aren’t cutting it. Just another example of how supervising people and managing programs can be rewarding in itself.

As for the volleyball part of this post, we’ve decided to develop a team complete with custom shirts, wildly inappropriate shorts, and substantially-lacking coach mentorship. At this point in the proverbial game, we have about 11 months to start practicing. Nothing can stand in our way!

Until I receive the phone call asking if someone can bring in their inflatable gymnastics mat. Do what?

_____________________

I ask you –

Do you supervise anyone in your workplace?

Have you ever played volleyball?

Tell me your thoughts on leadership versus management.

(The post People. Not Programs. first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Few Proclamations

Going from 2 classes to 1 has been an eye-opener. I’m not stressing completing papers or posts; I have more time to research and find what I’m searching for. This is the life.

I’ve known it was time to increase the weight on my strength training program. No excuse; I’m lazy. So when I did…everything hurts so good. Except when my back itched. I needed help.

Anyone else still struggling with time change? This sucks. My routine has not changed but my sleep quality surely has.

Nothing like some friendly competition to get me back into a running routine. It doesn’t matter if they know/don’t know we’re in a competition. We absolutely are.

I saw a hummingbird!!! All the beautiful flowers make me happy. It’s time to plant them. And watch them die in 2 months when Texas mimics the fires of hell.
At the time of posting, we may have had at least one 90° day. My body is in no way ready for this.

________________________________

I ask you –

How much do you enjoy research?

Have you seen any hummingbirds yet?

Tell me who you are in competition with! Self definitely counts.

(The post A Few Proclamations first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Quote –

From @clearairturbulence: “A good writer is a good listener. What you need to listen to is your subconscious. You allow what comes forward to dicate the terms. You’re not suppose to write with your head. Writing – good truthful writing – must come from the heart. It must comes from the gut. To do that you need to let go, listen and then type.”

The quote above was pasted on this post with no specific expectation of how I would incorporate it. I just liked it. But, as I returned to my morning date with an office chair – we have a solid relationship – and began researching for a paper, I realized how relevant the quote was. Some get their information from television news sources. Others enjoy the video perspective of YouTube and the varied opinions or commentary it offers. Me? I read thousands of scholarly articles on such a huge range of topics that I could probably never accurately retain them. As I’m most certainly not a numbers person, spreadsheets don’t interest me. But you give me a database full of words and I’m like a child with their favorite candy. I could sit here (and I do!) for hours whilst researching the next paper. People are so weird.

I expected a coffee-scented candle. Nope. Plain vanilla.

Interestingly, each semester I have been able to incorporate what I learned into my daily tasks. The next 7 weeks is all about human resource management. Welcome to my day! Unsolicited and unmanipulated conversations have already begun. It’s truly fascinating to incorporate what I’m exposed to into the research I find. Again, these are organic conversations I’m having with the people I supervise and/or work with. Remember the budgeting semester? I feel nauseous recalling it. For whatever reason, that was also the time period I was creating, updating, or attempting to correct several work-related budgets. Applicability? Check!

So, to tie this post back to the quote at the beginning, listening to others tell their story or perspective – I have no idea where I’m going with this. It’s just fascinating to me, ok?!

_____________________________

I ask you –

When was the last time a quote hit you and made you reconsider?

What medium(s) do you use for events or dialogue?

Tell me how often you get distracted!

(The post A Quote – first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Tunnel Vision

What is it called when you go down the path of not feeling good enough, strong enough, just enough?

light at the end of the tunnel

a. Slippery slope of self-doubt

b. Tidal wave of turmoil

It doesn’t happen often but sometimes those intrusive thoughts take over the mind. Not one to wallow in self pity, I’m just curious about how others handle this. Where do they come from? Where do they go?

As the longest long long semester is now over, I believe I’ve grown through it. Not only as a writer but also where my writing is going. I try to spend some time reflecting on what went well and what didn’t – and attempt not to overinflate my role in the process. For awhile, I doubted that I could meet the requirements of writing lengthy, topic-specific papers. Sometimes I still doubt it. But with every page, it seems more possible. One, in particular, I thought was actual garbage. I told anyone that would listen how awful it was. No flow, too wordy without saying anything, it was a mess. I stepped away from it on several occasions to try to figure out my mind – still, nothing. Eventually I gave up and submitted it. Grade: A. Now, this isn’t saying I’m a good writer. Fairly certain he got tired of grading papers and gave up. Nonetheless, it was done but it’s still on my mind. Overthinking much?

mid-day knee PT

There was a month – ok, 6 weeks at least – of no office phone. I put my personal number on the out of office message and continued about my business. Many times, I was either asked why would I give out my personal number or questioned if I was being bothered outside of work hours. Of course I’m bothered! Welcome to the supervisor world. But that’s not really true. If I’m busy, I don’t answer. We all do our best to separate work from our personal lives. Occasionally it’s actually successful! Example: using my time wisely to engage in the physical therapy exercises I paid a lot of money for.

That’s how self-doubt works, too. Sometimes it builds us up because of our ability to overcome, but, other times, it’s just a nagging feeling sheltered inside insecurity and lack of confidence. Pry apart the layers and you’ll easily find the nutshell: there’s no really no space for self-doubt in life. Play and pray.

______________________

I ask you –

Do you have any catchy phrases for intrusive thoughts?

How leery of handing out your personal number are you?

Lucky Number 13!!!!

(The post Tunnel Vision first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)