Hello, fun? Where are you?

“Your expectations lead to your disappointment.” At least, that’s what I heard right before my phone started ringing one early morning with work issues.

Shortly afterwards, I was ruing every small step toward agreeing to be a supervisor. It will be fun, they said. You have so much experience, they also said. It’s not that hard. Right. Where is this fun I was promised? Excuse me, I’m ready for the fun part. Maybe fun isn’t the most accurate depiction of what I’m looking for. But I don’t really know.

flower time!

Unrelated: Is “foot stomp” a redundancy? Because stomping implies using the feet. During a training session last week, I guess to reiterate the material, the speaker said “foot stomp” at least 3 times. Now I can’t help but to wonder if it’s another one of those buzzwords the military and society in general likes to use. Excessively.

This is the final week of classes. A glorious 10 days of no school work awaits me. My hope is by the time this post is published I will have submitted the final discussion post replies and put away all my textbooks. Except for the one I have to return. Note to self: figure that part out pronto. I’m escaping reality for a few short days and then I shall return refreshed for another 8 weeks of papers.

Barring how many telephone calls I receive for advice and complaints. Join the club. Somebody has to do it.

___________________________

I ask you –

Do your expectations actually lead to your disappointments?

Foot stomp: redundancy or no?

Tell me what you do to escape!

(The post Hello, fun? Where are you? first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

I Take My Chances

Anything shorter than 10 pages is a break. I’m just counting down the days until spring break. For me, that’s 10 whole days of no due dates. For mini, it’s a vacation from school and a trip to Tennessee.

First, we have to navigate parent-teacher conferences, class parties, and probably something else I’m forgetting. Book fair. That’s what it was. I wrote a post last year on the quality of book fairs and how they are definitely not what I remember. It was sad. But like any good parent with a short memory and dumbfounded hope, I will attend the book fair again and most likely be talked into $50 worth of easily lost erasers and a book that interests neither of us. Remind me of this conversation later.

I often forget to take care of myself but lately – just the last week, really – I’ve attempted to fill my bucket, so to speak. First, a coffee date with an amazing mentor who reminds me we’re fighting the good fight and we have each other. Then, a phone call with the one and only Aunt Mary Catherine who I can hear smile through the speakers. We’re visiting soon and just the thought of seeing her gives me renewed joy and hope.

Finally, a mad dash to course completion in the hopes that I can read a book other than required readings. Possibility? I might have a better chance at running more than once per week. And that’s saying something because I haven’t managed this successfully in weeks. Right now, I’m just living for the tiny zing I get when I realize I’ve written another page in a long line of pages.

Details, you know.

_________________________

I ask you –

Any upcoming vacation plans?

How much will I spend at the book fair?

Tell me some chances you’ve taken lately!

(The post I Take My Chances first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Life’s LIMFACs

LIMFAC = limiting factors. So many acronyms.

For the longest, and still today, I’m guilty of limiting myself via negative self talk. I think I thought it was humbling, but now I’m not sure. Saying things like “that’s not me” when exploring the possibility of doing something crazy or very self-serving. Not selfish, there’s a difference. For example, going back to school. Or, stating my name in a professional capacity.

Backstory. Recently I attended an awards ceremony where one of the nominees was introduced as Dr. (insert his name). I know him personally and credit him with encouraging me to get my doctorate. He’s always available for questions; in fact, when I asked him how crazy it was to take 2 courses simultaneously, he stated – paraphrasing – I didn’t do that but it can be done and you can do it, here’s how …

The empowerment and advice he provided was invaluable. So why don’t we empower ourselves in the same manner?

Back to the awards ceremony. I thought if that was my name up there, it would probably be read with my personal title, i.e., Ms. (insert my name). My thought was this: “The addition of Dr. My Name is just not me.”

WHAT? WHY NOT? Because that is me! Well, it will be. I earned every letter of that title and I should be proud of it. Humility or not be damned. The sacrifice, the tears, the brain power and dedication it takes to write until my eyes bleed – those things don’t just count for something, they count for ME! They are ME! How dare I limit myself by saying what is and isn’t me. I was created to do good things. I am empowered to do big things. I am and the highest I AM says so.

So when you think you’re humbling yourself by not speaking up for yourself or taking credit where credit is due, just remember the only LIMFACs are the ones you place on yourself. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

_____________________

I ask you –

Do you succumb to negative self talk?

What do you think isn’t you?

Forewarning: this will probably become a series as I have many LIMFACs to further discuss.

(The post Life’s LIMFACs first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Deja Vu

It hasn’t happened yet, but I know it’s only a matter of time. I’ll probably be investigated again for my search history related to writing all these papers. Apparently information systems research is a hot topic. Haha who knew? As I plug in key words, even in well known journal publications, the message regarding tracking appears instantly. And these are university sources!

I keep writing all the words my manic brain throws at me and it seems to be working. As I approach week 3 of 8, occasionally I feel like I’ve got the hang of time management but then a potential snow day turns into a bust and I scramble for more hours in the day. Work is jam packed so there is absolutely no way I can even brainstorm words to lengthen the page count. Any takers? At first, I took great offense to the B I received on my initial assignment. Overachiever. I spent some time trying to prove the professor wrong, that his feedback was not correct. Spoiler: I made some mistakes. So a perspective shift was in order – I came to the grand conclusion he was right and just trying to make me a better writer. As he’s the program director, perhaps it’s a valuable lesson. Better to learn it now than later. Perspective. It’s everything.

Aside from that hellish course about advanced budgeting, this school stuff isn’t too difficult. Really, it just requires a nervous breakdown or ten, an insane drive to accomplish things, and where was I going with this? Oh right. Other ridiculous traits that indicate a real whackadoo. Me. I’m the whackadoo.

Did I mention I’m doomed to be investigated? Seriously. It’s coming. I was exploring nefarious terms for where the internet can take you and it hit me like a ton of subpoenas. All I could think was … If I end up on the cannot fly list, then this better get me another A!

__________________________

I ask you –

Have you searched anything suspicious lately?

How often do you try to prove someone else wrong? Be honest!

On a scale of 1 to Biden’s desk, how likely am I to survive this program unscathed? I realize how political I could take this, but it wasn’t my intention.

(The post Deja Vu first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Thinking Out Loud

or on paper.

This time last year – I wasn’t sure if I’d ever run again. The question many people have asked is “Was it worth it?” Even though I should probably say no because my health is more important than any race, the all-heart reply is absolutely yes. It was. It was worth the pain, worth the uncertainty, worth the PR I had arrived day in and out for. It was worth it, to me.

Now, the mind, the logical, reasoning part of my brain (albeit small) thinks I’m insane. How could something that jeopardized my literal ability to walk pain free be worth one stupid race? I should have stopped when the pain never did, I should have stopped when advised by medical personnel that I was running (no pun intended) the risk of seriously damaging my body, I should have stopped at the first pop of my knee. But I don’t listen well.

I probably won’t ever race again. I love training, I love running, and I don’t wish to give it up even though my seasons of running look much different now than they did a year ago. And that’s ok. It’s hard to believe by May I’ll have completed 5 courses towards my doctorate. Time really does fly. To think in Jan 2022 I documented on a visionary board I wanted to go back to school. Then, in June, I heard from someone else who had recently completed their own program. I made a call – one call – a few days later and by the next month I was enrolled. It all happened so fast.

Sometimes the things that are meant to be happen quickly. Sometimes we miss the signs of impending disaster – or choose to turn a blind eye to it. And sometimes good things come when least expected.

Final thought – I read this line somewhere and it really rang true – the feeling of magic will disappear. You are responsible for your own enjoyment.

_____________________

I ask you –

Have you ever blatantly disregarded advice? Who hasn’t?!

Do you agree you are responsible for your own enjoyment?

Tell me your thoughts on a vision board!

(The post Thinking Out Loud first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Sans Photos

While I’m still cleaning out and proverbially unpacking 2022 in hopes of doing better, being better, in 2023, because there’s still a few days of the year – there’s still much to be done.

For example –

I thought once I submitted my final paper of the class, I was done. I was wrong. Now I’m disputing a grade because the rubric wasn’t completed. There’s a blank where a grade should be. A large portion of the grade! I understand mistakes happen but it seems to be one thing after another with this class. Can I just be done with it already? Not until that grade is fixed!

Working on ramping up staffing in the workplace. So many promises have been made – I’m determining what is feasible and what is not. Some things have been easy fixes. In fact, so easy I can’t understand why they weren’t done before. Nonetheless, others are very impactful and it’s tough having those conversations. Regaining trust among people who don’t know me or what I stand for is a huge task. It’s more than telling a group of people who rely on you that you’re honest, trustworthy, and have integrity; you must show them you are who you say you are. While facing your own frustrations. I find it even more difficult when I know previous leadership were doing the best they could. Balance will always elude me.

Recently I attended an “all call” for those who hold the title of Master Resiliency Trainer. Only 5 showed. Weird. My point here is deciding how to implement a regular resilience practice into the facilities and the squadron itself. Ideally, I’d like to have monthly training, but beyond the squadron it’s almost impossible. Quarterly would be good though. Lessons on mindfulness and gratefulness are trainer’s typical go-to’s, but the hard lessons are so valuable. I’ll find a way.

If you made it to the very end of this post, thank you! Thank you for reading, for commenting, for joining me these past years. I’m truly thankful for each one of my readers!

____________________________

I ask you –

Do you recap the previous year?

What is my chance of getting that grade changed? It best be 100!

Tell me what you have going on this week!

(The post Sans Photos first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Let’s Catch Up

Running update: I haven’t been.

School update: it’s all I’ve been doing.

The end.

As what’s his name once (or all the time) said…And now the rest of the story. Paul Harvey!

I had female-centric surgery a few weeks ago and only now am officially cleared to return to full duty status. Honestly, I paused my training plan then and just haven’t turned it back on yet though the good doctor said it was possible to return to running as quickly as I felt comfortable. The problem is I wasn’t really comfortable. I still feel a little misled but I’m getting over it.

By the time I was ready to restart, I was neck-deep in two classes and not sleeping or eating well. At all. Stress is funny like that. It has a way of keeping you humble. Then there were the hormones. My God, I don’t remember crying so much. Ugh. I’m not sure if I have it together yet but I’m trying. Unfortunately, what I really don’t have is extra time to get my head back in the game and run. The desire is there; the time, not so much. I’m lying. The desire isn’t there much either. I consider going for a run then the writing bug bites me again and I start typing instead. Which is probably a good thing at this point.

But, Kel, you said people make time for what’s important to them. And I truly believe it! But that’s literally the problem – I don’t have time right now! My priority list basically includes sleep and not much else. I have a brand new book (or 2) I haven’t yet found time to read.

Maybe at Christmas. Maybe not. At this moment, I can’t remember if I have a week off at Christmas. Don’t ask about the Spring semester. We’ll be lucky to see the light of day.

We. Me and my other personality.

________________________________

I ask you –

When everything flies out the window, what do you prioritize?

Do you remember Paul Harvey?

Tell me a good book to read!

(The post Let’s Catch Up first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Anatomy of Paper Writing

As this week has been the most stressful thus far, I’m offering some insight into the reasons why I don’t answer my phone, text back in a timely manner, attend social events, or do anything else really. Besides the fact I’m lazy. Here’s a typical day in the life of a doctoral student. Or maybe it’s just me.

4:02am – Coffee

4:06am – Open approximately 23 tabs of research articles and 1 word doc

4:10am – Try to figure out what I’m doing with my life

4:13am – Start typing

4:45am – Panic because I’ve forgotten where I was going with the million words crossing my mind

4:46am – Re-read everything previously written the past 32 mins

5:01am – Silence the alarm for the time I used to wake up before I decided to go back to school

5:02am – Panic again because the realization has set in I only have 58 more mins to type before I have to wake up mini

5:18am – Close one word doc and open another because I’m an idiot with overlapping classes

5:31am – Silence the alarm for the time I used to get up, back when mini didn’t go to school and I had a conscious thought process

5:42am – Check the due dates and put my head on the desk

5:43am – Sigh loudly, drink the coffee that’s now gone cold, and rethink my life choices

5:45am – Frantically type 250 more words in order to feel good about the perception I’ve done absolutely nothing the past 2 hours

6:00am – Contemplate requesting leave for the next 3 years until school is done

P.S. something terrible happened this past weekend and a file I had been working on went corrupt…kaput…a big middle finger to hours of work. No recovery software could save it. Alas, I cried. A lot. No one warned me I would be so emotional.

_________________

I ask you –

Sorry. I have no questions. I’m typing this at an indecent hour because I totally forgot I hadn’t edited anything for the blog this week and I would feel bad for letting my readers down if I didn’t at least try to post something. So here it is. Something. You’re welcome.

(The post Anatomy of Paper Writing first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

My Face When…

this is my face when…

When you’ve been writing for 4 hours and only have 2 pages. I need 6 pgs minimum.

When a doctoral candidate writes (paraphrased) “people who are emotionally weaker have a tendency to be depressed”. Wow. This statement is fantastically false and hurtful. Idiot.

When one of the assigned readings is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (not really, one of the authors is named Hyde so that’s what I call this book) and it mentions the U.S.S.R. – which I should be careful in even typing because we know how that turned out for me last time. It struck me as weird because it’s a very outdated title. Turns out it was written in 1959. Now it all makes sense.

When I drop off mini at school and can’t find my ID to access work. My sweet coworker (Ms. P, remember) happily informs me it’s at my computer. At work. Which I can’t get to without said ID. In nearly 10 years, I have never left my ID in any place other than intended. Thankfully I had other methods to get to work. But still. Now I have to start over on my record.

When mini wants to discuss the merits and nuances of “running sticks”. Tampons. That’s what we’re talking about here. She’s 6 so I give her an age appropriate explanation. Just as I thought we were done – aka I had sufficiently navigated these uncharted waters – she asks…so where do they go? My answer: inside your body. As a look of horror and disgust cross her little face, she loudly says “YOU EAT THEM?!” And this is where I said we’re going to be late for school, let’s go.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be over questioning every life choice ever made and frantically searching for that damn parenting manual. Again. As I always do.

___________________________

I ask you –

Do you have a winning streak on never forgetting your ID or some other form of work access card, etc?

What conversation was the hardest with your child(ren)?

Send help. I don’t know what I’m doing over here.

(The post My Face When… first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Weekend Recap

This past weekend brought about low overnight temperatures (upper 40’s and low 50’s). Best running weather ever! Unfortunately my body couldn’t seem to get it together. Old age sucks. My back began hurting midweek so by Friday night it was unbearable. The suspected culprit: my home desk chair. You know, where I spend several hours a day diligently writing and researching. Still don’t have week one grades. Hmmpphh. I’ve made the switch to a proper ergonomic, blah blah blah chair. Hopefully that fixes it.

Dr. Google informed me walking (and running, actually) can be beneficial for those who suffer from back spasms. As I essentially have the same degree as Dr. Google, I took the advice with a grain of salt (otherwise known in pill form as ibuprofen) and went for a walk. It didn’t kill me and I only had to stop twice when the spasms nearly knocked me off my feet. Successful walk.

September concluded with nearly 33 total miles for the month! Overall that sounds paltry to what fall training began with last year. But it also wasn’t 95+ degrees then so I’m ok with it.

But I did have a solid reason to lay around all weekend and shirk my running duties. Finally! The long awaited premier of Hocus Pocus 2! Not as good as the original but not bad either. We made Hocus Pocus buns – basically disappearing marshmallow buns. Very tasty!

Update: late Saturday I received grades for my first assignment. 75 out of 75 points and a “well done”. *bowing graciously*

_____________________

I ask you –

How much faith do you have in Google?

Have you watched Hocus Pocus 2 yet? No spoilers, please!

Tell me about your weekend!

(The post Weekend Recap first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)