The 2nd time this has happened in as many months. I really need people to learn to park!
My wingwoman bought this for me in Copenhagen, Denmark. She said it instantly reminded her of me. She’s not wrong.
They gave me a paddle, of which I threatened to use on anyone within arm’s length! Seriously, though, it’s nice to be recognized.
Mini did some pumpkin patch things with her classmates. She even brought home a pumpkin! Now to convince her to carve it so I can have roasted pumpkin seeds.
_________________
I ask you –
Is there a particular phrase that resonates with your personality?
I knew that the short 7 day reprieve from coursework would fly by, so I gave myself something every day to look forward to, something just for me. Besides, what’s a moment compared to the avg 3 hrs/day I typically spend on schoolwork, right?
First day, I found this: “Half of the battle of anxiety is realizing when you’re entering the battle. This is mainly because our fears and insecurities feel so true. We tend to go along with whatever pops into our heads.”
Days 2-7 didn’t go according to plan. What did I do for myself these days? I survived because it never, ever, ever fails that my body ditches all common sense during a break and caves to sickness. Sure, it was just a head cold meets some seasonal allergies but I was convinced this might be the end. I didn’t even run for a few days! Then, the meds worked wonders and I was back at it.
Finally, on the newest episode of “Where Did These Bruises Come From?!”, twice-a-week volleyball is kicking my butt. And hands. And knees. Seriously, every time I shower I find a new discoloration and/or painful area. But is it worthwhile? Absolutely not. I mean … of course it is!
______________
I ask you –
Do you battle anxiety or anxious thoughts?
Have you been struggling with allergies, too?
On a scale of 1 to holy crap you need to chill out, tell me how dramatic you are! 12.
Well, that’s done. The longest 8 weeks ever. What’s that saying about challenging things change you? Or something like that. I don’t feel changed, but I most certainly was challenged! Within an inch of my life and sanity. And to think I may have the same professor the next 8 weeks. I won’t make it. I found myself spouting some grandiose BS for a majority of the course, even some that was so convincing I believed me for a second. But only for a second.
But – I am pleased to report that I have made a friend! Just one. Let’s not get carried away. His name is Mike and we are now official pen pals, if you will. He’s also a part of the same doctoral program, hence the friendship. If you’ll recall, my best friend, Sam, was also attending Liberty and we were expecting to graduate at the same time. However, life happens and she’s on an extended break while she underpromises and overdelivers in her work life; seriously, she can do anything so unselfishly that I’m both proud of her and also frustrated because she refuses to ask for help.
So, at this time, she’s focused on other things, and although I have never felt the need to replace her, I was in dire need of an ally to commiserate with regarding the loneliness and frustration of the program. And then Mike came along! If you’ll recall, I reached out to several classmates for help early on and it took awhile before anyone got back to me. I was very disappointed. His background is much different than mine but he appears to have experience with grant funding, budgeting, and several other things I’m clueless about so hopefully the tiny network I’m building will prove valuable.
I barely squeaked by with my A avg intact. It was brutal.
__________
I ask you –
Have you ever felt like a determinate length of time is somehow longer than normal?
“You’ve come a long way from that lonely girl who would walk the third floor hallway by herself.” – a third floor resident. Why, thank you, kind sir. I believe you are correct!
Photo credit: Sheppard AFB
Each year, I’m humbled to run the POW/MIA 5k and share the stories of my grandfather. He truly was the kindest, most gentle man with a larger-than-life smile. The only smiles I think are more adorable than his are his sister’s (my beautiful great Aunt Mary Catherine) and my little mini. It’s difficult to run solemnly because his memory makes me laugh so if I was offensive to anyone on the track who was quietly remembering their loved ones or the many strangers who never returned home, I hope they know I meant no harm.
We had an impromptu car photo shoot after getting coffee together. It’s rare I’m the one to take her to school but it makes us both happy when I can. The dirtiest glasses she owns. I couldn’t see a thing beyond the smudges!
At the time of this post, I’ll be mere days away from completion of another 8 week course and ready to embark on the next. But not before a well-deserved 7 day break. There are no words.
_________________________________
I ask you –
Are you involved in an annual POW/MIA remembrance tradition?
If you wear glasses, how often do you clean them?
Insults designed as compliments. Big fan!
(The post Moving Along first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)
All I know is if I don’t take a break soon, I won’t be able to juggle the plates any longer. There have been a few weeks of such confusion and utterly mind-blowing emotional stress that I’m honestly not sure how I made it through. It’s not even me! For nearly an entire week, there was a parade of people into my office who were really going through it. Boxes of tissues and phone calls to check up on them and just the overwhelming compassion fatigue it brings with it had me questioning my own sanity. Honestly, I felt numb, as if it wasn’t really happening. Because, of course, at the same time I was dealing with my own skyrocketing stress levels due to insane assignments, incredibly early mornings and late nights, the same fasted bloodwork two weeks in a row, and trying to balance my own physical needs. It was a lot.
Somewhere in here I need to get feet x-rays (update: those are done, will post more later), solidify the decision regarding a ball gown, and make a baby basket. Which I actually forgot about until…now. In other news, I’ve taken a few personality tests recently and can decidedly share that I’m a well adjusted, anal retentive Gold/Green (Four Lenses), with perfectionistic Type 1 (Enneagram) traits. So basically my insane drive for list making and efficiency suits me to a T. T is for try me. I can’t be mad. It’s just who I am and I’ve learned to embrace it.
My muse told me this fantastic one liner: everyone wants to be a General until it’s time to do General shit. Isn’t that the truth. Similar to current conversations: everyone wants to be an alpha until it’s time to be the alpha. Who am I to judge on whether or not they can or can’t actually be the alpha but I’m not seeing it.
(there should be a fun, lighthearted, catchy photo right here but I didn’t have anything)
P.S. the pity parade continued for more days past the time of this writing. My carpet was practically wet.
___________________________
I ask you –
Have you ever taken a personality test? Care to share your results?
How often do you clean your carpet?
Tell me your favorite saying!
(The post Twilight Zone first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)
To say the past 6 weeks have been difficult is an understatement. And it wasn’t the entire 6 weeks of life, just this course. I’m way out of my comfort zone in the land of statistics and quantitative research. Also very concerned I’ll have the same professor next course. I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered such a large number of unhelpful people.
For example, I reached out to several classmates for their take on a certain assignment where I was struggling beyond belief. Nothing. Nada. No response. No acknowledgement whatsoever. The professor was only slightly more helpful and that was after I basically begged for help. Talk about disheartening. Yes, I recognize a PhD program is very lonely. However, where is the people aspect? What has happened to make us so closed off and unwilling or unable to simply acknowledge another? Clearly, that’s rhetorical.
Like I said, it was rough. At one point, I began to spiral into the line of thinking that maybe the program wasn’t for me, that I needed a break, that maybe my best wasn’t good enough, even what was the bare minimum I could get away with. I was struggling. However, the power of perspective is just that – incredibly powerful. I worshipped with my loudest voice, I sat alone in thought, and I was reminded of what I needed to do. Keep trying, Kel.
P.S. Eventually a fellow classmate did respond. And, by eventually, I mean more than a week later. On the bright side, there was a response.
________________________
I ask you –
How’s your life treating you? Do tell!
What is your go-to event/activity/self help reasoning when things get tough?
Tell me something good you have going on!
(The post Upward Spiral first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)
A small voice calls to me from my sleep. Do you want coffee, Kel? Doesn’t matter that it’s 2am, 5am, mid-afternoon. I always answer yes. Short of labeling it an addiction, coffee is comfort. It’s my siren song.
In a vain attempt at creating coffee shop-worthy drinks, I made my own cold brew. Not half bad. However, the espresso beans were a bit past their shelf life so it turned out somewhat bitter. I still drank it. Then I ordered new beans.
Chicka D’s, of course
Also, I had a small issue with remembering to complete my fasted blood work so I was forced to reschedule which resulted in a nearly lunchtime appointment. Fasted. Starving. Not in a great overall mood. That particular day called for a third caffeinated beverage, mainly as a reward for not harming anyone.
I don’t know how some people do it. How do they survive without these magical beans? I never want to find out.
________________________
I ask you –
How much coffee do you drink per day?
Does the need for coffee ever wake you up?
Tell me about the last time you forgot an important appointment!
(The post They Beckon Me first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)
As there are some travel plans during my month long holiday break, of course I took the opportunity to see if there were any nearby races. I can’t help it. There weren’t; however, it made me contemplate a training plan. I’m consistently running 12-15 miles per week now and I feel strong. Running throughout the summer really established a great base albeit difficult to circumvent the Texas heat. Yet somehow I did it. A few moments were touchy but I think I excelled at staying hydrated and playing safely.
But I’m leary of the incredible inflammation that comes with a training regimen. And I really don’t have the necessary time to devote to it with my school schedule. My knee is in a good place, too, so I can’t fathom disrupting the work and maintenance it requires to stay healthy.
Notwithstanding, this course load is rough. It’s only one course. Anything statistics related is my Achilles heel. Even when I am the professor what he envisions, it doesn’t end well. Maybe he doesn’t know either. All I do know is there’s about 3 weeks remaining and I’m counting down the days.
Returning to running, I’m consistently making it out for a few miles a few times a week and then usually a long(er) run on the weekends. Like I said before. My plan is to maintain this schedule during the winter and spring then see what next summer looks like. An immersive dissertation year will be upon me. We shall see.
I may not be sleeping or dreaming as much as before, but soon enough they will return.
____________________________
I ask you –
What kind of mileage have you been running or walking lately?
Do you typically dream?
Give me some advice for when I’m not sleeping well!
(The post A Girl Can Dream first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)
I know I said this would be a series, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Probably should have known that.
When some research literally brainwashes you into such a position that you have no idea what’s reality and what’s utter BS – does that mean you’ve finally made it?! I’m so far into the weeds, I honestly can’t tell. All I know is I started writing and didn’t put the proverbial pen down until it was complete. Which is a far cry better than writer’s block, in my opinion. Especially when I’m getting paid to write. Details.
Completely confident my entire dissertation is/will be a load of garbage. Which is funny because I was so excited about it initially. I wanted to change the course of research! I wanted to contribute to the knowledge base. Now? Please let me survive this with a small semblance of sanity.
My newest inspirational quote
The hardship and coinciding blessing of a doctoral program is loneliness. There’s little if any interaction with other students so you lose that human touch, the connectedness. As most are online programs, it’s not like I can reach out to a fellow student for advice. Even worse is when a professor either gives no feedback or such subjective feedback that it feels like they missed the point entirely. It’s not that I need acknowledgement because I recognize this is a choice I made, but it wouldn’t kill them to acknowledge it either.
Like I said, I’m so far into the weeds of analysis lately I don’t even know where reality is anymore. In the meantime, I’ll just keep pulling crap out of the bottom of the dumpster and selling it as my own!
__________________________
I ask you –
Do you have any mottos?
Where does sanity even come from?
Tell me about a time when you expected acknowledgement and it never came.
For seemingly no reason at all, last week literally kicked my arse. Team No Sleep – I was averaging 4 hrs of sleep per night, my Garmin was almost on the fritz with the what-is-wrong-with-you? Weirdly I kept having this recurring dream about a bobcat. I’m clueless. When I finally exhausted the bobcat dreams, it progressed to gummy bears. I give up.
Volleyball – I spent more time on the ground than I did upright and my body bore the marks. Even with knee pads, I tore open my knee from a previous week’s injury sans kneepads. Note to self – purchase better kneepads. My grandmother would be appalled. She had this thing about women having pretty knees. As a teenager, I made a wildly inappropriate joke and she was not pleased! Nonetheless, I think my second career as a knee model is doomed. My body looks and feels like it got run over. There was one point in the game when I fell on the floor and the ball wasn’t even near me. How, Kel?! Obviously in volleyball the object is to stay low but I just … fell. Who needs hips anyway.
Teamwork
By the end of the week, the events really started to ramp up. We hosted a run/walk/remember 5k so, of course, like a good little overachiever, I planned to run it knowing well enough I had blood work following it. Hydration? Psshhhh. So I devised a plan to bribe a friend to be my water girl during the run so I could ensure I stayed hydrated. Conflict of interest? Maybe. More importantly, the blood work part of the day never materialized because it was FASTED blood work and I drank my coffee, ate breakfast, downed electrolytes, and did all the things one should not do before fasted blood work. Alas, I had to reschedule. More to follow.
Finally, I received a B+ on the paper I had stressed and stayed up countless hours writing with literally a miniscule of guidance from the professor. Not pleased. So, I sulked for a day and ate a pint of ice cream (keto, of course).
The next morning – back at it. Indeed, life does go on.
______________________
I ask you –
Have you been having trouble sleeping, too?
Did you forget to fast before blood work?
Tell me how it’s going for you!
(The post How’s It Going first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)
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