Twilight Zone

All I know is if I don’t take a break soon, I won’t be able to juggle the plates any longer. There have been a few weeks of such confusion and utterly mind-blowing emotional stress that I’m honestly not sure how I made it through. It’s not even me! For nearly an entire week, there was a parade of people into my office who were really going through it. Boxes of tissues and phone calls to check up on them and just the overwhelming compassion fatigue it brings with it had me questioning my own sanity. Honestly, I felt numb, as if it wasn’t really happening. Because, of course, at the same time I was dealing with my own skyrocketing stress levels due to insane assignments, incredibly early mornings and late nights, the same fasted bloodwork two weeks in a row, and trying to balance my own physical needs. It was a lot.

Somewhere in here I need to get feet x-rays (update: those are done, will post more later), solidify the decision regarding a ball gown, and make a baby basket. Which I actually forgot about until…now. In other news, I’ve taken a few personality tests recently and can decidedly share that I’m a well adjusted, anal retentive Gold/Green (Four Lenses), with perfectionistic Type 1 (Enneagram) traits. So basically my insane drive for list making and efficiency suits me to a T. T is for try me. I can’t be mad. It’s just who I am and I’ve learned to embrace it.

My muse told me this fantastic one liner: everyone wants to be a General until it’s time to do General shit. Isn’t that the truth. Similar to current conversations: everyone wants to be an alpha until it’s time to be the alpha. Who am I to judge on whether or not they can or can’t actually be the alpha but I’m not seeing it.

(there should be a fun, lighthearted, catchy photo right here but I didn’t have anything)

P.S. the pity parade continued for more days past the time of this writing. My carpet was practically wet.

___________________________

I ask you –

Have you ever taken a personality test? Care to share your results?

How often do you clean your carpet?

Tell me your favorite saying!

(The post Twilight Zone first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Upward Spiral

To say the past 6 weeks have been difficult is an understatement. And it wasn’t the entire 6 weeks of life, just this course. I’m way out of my comfort zone in the land of statistics and quantitative research. Also very concerned I’ll have the same professor next course. I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered such a large number of unhelpful people.

For example, I reached out to several classmates for their take on a certain assignment where I was struggling beyond belief. Nothing. Nada. No response. No acknowledgement whatsoever. The professor was only slightly more helpful and that was after I basically begged for help. Talk about disheartening. Yes, I recognize a PhD program is very lonely. However, where is the people aspect? What has happened to make us so closed off and unwilling or unable to simply acknowledge another? Clearly, that’s rhetorical.

Like I said, it was rough. At one point, I began to spiral into the line of thinking that maybe the program wasn’t for me, that I needed a break, that maybe my best wasn’t good enough, even what was the bare minimum I could get away with. I was struggling. However, the power of perspective is just that – incredibly powerful. I worshipped with my loudest voice, I sat alone in thought, and I was reminded of what I needed to do. Keep trying, Kel.

P.S. Eventually a fellow classmate did respond. And, by eventually, I mean more than a week later. On the bright side, there was a response.

________________________

I ask you –

How’s your life treating you? Do tell!

What is your go-to event/activity/self help reasoning when things get tough?

Tell me something good you have going on!

(The post Upward Spiral first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

They Beckon Me

A small voice calls to me from my sleep. Do you want coffee, Kel? Doesn’t matter that it’s 2am, 5am, mid-afternoon. I always answer yes. Short of labeling it an addiction, coffee is comfort. It’s my siren song.

In a vain attempt at creating coffee shop-worthy drinks, I made my own cold brew. Not half bad. However, the espresso beans were a bit past their shelf life so it turned out somewhat bitter. I still drank it. Then I ordered new beans.

Chicka D’s, of course

Also, I had a small issue with remembering to complete my fasted blood work so I was forced to reschedule which resulted in a nearly lunchtime appointment. Fasted. Starving. Not in a great overall mood. That particular day called for a third caffeinated beverage, mainly as a reward for not harming anyone.

I don’t know how some people do it. How do they survive without these magical beans? I never want to find out.

________________________

I ask you –

How much coffee do you drink per day?

Does the need for coffee ever wake you up?

Tell me about the last time you forgot an important appointment!

(The post They Beckon Me first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Girl Can Dream

As there are some travel plans during my month long holiday break, of course I took the opportunity to see if there were any nearby races. I can’t help it. There weren’t; however, it made me contemplate a training plan. I’m consistently running 12-15 miles per week now and I feel strong. Running throughout the summer really established a great base albeit difficult to circumvent the Texas heat. Yet somehow I did it. A few moments were touchy but I think I excelled at staying hydrated and playing safely.

But I’m leary of the incredible inflammation that comes with a training regimen. And I really don’t have the necessary time to devote to it with my school schedule. My knee is in a good place, too, so I can’t fathom disrupting the work and maintenance it requires to stay healthy.

Notwithstanding, this course load is rough. It’s only one course. Anything statistics related is my Achilles heel. Even when I am the professor what he envisions, it doesn’t end well. Maybe he doesn’t know either. All I do know is there’s about 3 weeks remaining and I’m counting down the days.

Returning to running, I’m consistently making it out for a few miles a few times a week and then usually a long(er) run on the weekends. Like I said before. My plan is to maintain this schedule during the winter and spring then see what next summer looks like. An immersive dissertation year will be upon me. We shall see.

I may not be sleeping or dreaming as much as before, but soon enough they will return.

____________________________

I ask you –

What kind of mileage have you been running or walking lately?

Do you typically dream?

Give me some advice for when I’m not sleeping well!

(The post A Girl Can Dream first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 2

I know I said this would be a series, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Probably should have known that.

When some research literally brainwashes you into such a position that you have no idea what’s reality and what’s utter BS – does that mean you’ve finally made it?! I’m so far into the weeds, I honestly can’t tell. All I know is I started writing and didn’t put the proverbial pen down until it was complete. Which is a far cry better than writer’s block, in my opinion. Especially when I’m getting paid to write. Details.

Completely confident my entire dissertation is/will be a load of garbage. Which is funny because I was so excited about it initially. I wanted to change the course of research! I wanted to contribute to the knowledge base. Now? Please let me survive this with a small semblance of sanity.

The hardship and coinciding blessing of a doctoral program is loneliness. There’s little if any interaction with other students so you lose that human touch, the connectedness. As most are online programs, it’s not like I can reach out to a fellow student for advice. Even worse is when a professor either gives no feedback or such subjective feedback that it feels like they missed the point entirely. It’s not that I need acknowledgement because I recognize this is a choice I made, but it wouldn’t kill them to acknowledge it either.

Like I said, I’m so far into the weeds of analysis lately I don’t even know where reality is anymore. In the meantime, I’ll just keep pulling crap out of the bottom of the dumpster and selling it as my own!

__________________________

I ask you –

Do you have any mottos?

Where does sanity even come from?

Tell me about a time when you expected acknowledgement and it never came.

(The post Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 2 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

How’s It Going?

For seemingly no reason at all, last week literally kicked my arse. Team No Sleep – I was averaging 4 hrs of sleep per night, my Garmin was almost on the fritz with the what-is-wrong-with-you? Weirdly I kept having this recurring dream about a bobcat. I’m clueless. When I finally exhausted the bobcat dreams, it progressed to gummy bears. I give up.

Volleyball – I spent more time on the ground than I did upright and my body bore the marks. Even with knee pads, I tore open my knee from a previous week’s injury sans kneepads. Note to self – purchase better kneepads. My grandmother would be appalled. She had this thing about women having pretty knees. As a teenager, I made a wildly inappropriate joke and she was not pleased! Nonetheless, I think my second career as a knee model is doomed. My body looks and feels like it got run over. There was one point in the game when I fell on the floor and the ball wasn’t even near me. How, Kel?! Obviously in volleyball the object is to stay low but I just … fell. Who needs hips anyway.

Teamwork

By the end of the week, the events really started to ramp up. We hosted a run/walk/remember 5k so, of course, like a good little overachiever, I planned to run it knowing well enough I had blood work following it. Hydration? Psshhhh. So I devised a plan to bribe a friend to be my water girl during the run so I could ensure I stayed hydrated. Conflict of interest? Maybe. More importantly, the blood work part of the day never materialized because it was FASTED blood work and I drank my coffee, ate breakfast, downed electrolytes, and did all the things one should not do before fasted blood work. Alas, I had to reschedule. More to follow.

Finally, I received a B+ on the paper I had stressed and stayed up countless hours writing with literally a miniscule of guidance from the professor. Not pleased. So, I sulked for a day and ate a pint of ice cream (keto, of course).

The next morning – back at it. Indeed, life does go on.

______________________

I ask you –

Have you been having trouble sleeping, too?

Did you forget to fast before blood work?

Tell me how it’s going for you!

(The post How’s It Going first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 1

Just when I get things figured out – BOOM! Another dumpster fire of doctoral proportions. Yes, I knew this wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t expect it to be so confusing either.

Allow me to elaborate:

Professor: Write this paper using my special outline with such specific instructions that you can’t deviate. 20 pages.

Me: Stressed. Writing. Done.

Professor: Now write this other paper using my super generic outline without context. 30 pages.

Me: But you want an outline? Of 30 pages? Copy. Paste. Done.

Professor: NOT LIKE THAT!

In other related news – the first part of this degree process was conferred. Whoohoo!

Allow me to bask in the accomplishment for a second. Ok, it’s over. I need to write more.

Intention: This will most definitely be a series of posts so I’ve named it thusly. Standby.

____________________

I ask you –

Have you ever been dumpster diving? Not purposefully.

Are you the creator of mixed messages?

Tell me something you’ve done lately that you’re proud of!

(The post Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 1 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Good Place – writing and running

My newest class is loosely based on research design and how I better get my life together prior to next year’s dissertation. Not entirely joking. I was quite pleased that my final feedback last course was this “Kelly – you’re an original thinker…”. Translation: you’re full of crap. Pardon me while I focus on that original part.

I went old school

Thus far, I thought this research class was going to be tougher than it is. Famous last words! I never knew there was so much psychological and worldview theory behind research methods. As I’m trying my hardest to incorporate a projected dissertation idea into each course to alleviate how much stress I feel next year, there’s a lot of pressure to get this right but, if I can manage it, then it will pay off. Correction: it’s actually really difficult and I have zero idea what I’m doing.

Speaking of things paying off: somehow I have consistently run a few miles a few times a week for a few months now. Despite the heat that threatens to a) burn up the entire state and b) dehydrate me on a cellular level, I get up early and run when I can. I’m so ready for cooler temperatures yet with everything I have going on I haven’t missed racing. This is a good place to be in.

Despite the weather, the lack of professor involvement, and some very convoluted paper instructions, things are going well. I’m even mostly standing upright!

____________________

I ask you –

What do you know about research designs?

Has the weather begun to change where you live?

“Original thinker” sounded like a compliment, right? Just go with it.

(The post A Good Place – writing and running first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Some Things You May Find Interesting

I’m not saying I have anything against Cross Fit but as far as technical + functional movements, it’s lacking.

Seems people are upset about running a 5k at the Games:

Cross Fit’ers Don’t Like Running

Controversy forthcoming: I also stumbled upon the following article of a woman who I wouldn’t have minded getting to know as she seems to be my type of researcher, aka always exploring controversial topics in the search to fulfill the holes left vacant by missing pieces. Far removed from Christianity, she delves into human behavior and human nature outside of the norms.

Dr. Mari Ruti

Following up with other psychology-based readings, I found another article. I wasn’t seeking it, it found me. Many armchair psychologists exist and I’m often perturbed at the misuse of psychological terms by those who either want to sound smart (you don’t) or feel important (you’re not). Buzzwords are only useful if used correctly.

No One Knows What Boundaries Are

Finally, a little throwback to my first race at 4 months postpartum. A mud run, no less – on the beach. Ugh. I didn’t love it but I did it.

______________________________

I ask you –

Are you a self-described Cross Fit fan? Not my thing but to each his own.

Have you ever heard of Dr. Ruti? Thoughts?

A 10k at 4 months postpartum in 1:26 isn’t too bad, if I do say so myself.

(The post Some Things You May Find Interesting first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Summer Update, finale

I was able to run on Monday morning which was truly the highlight of my workweek. It wasn’t blistering hot and I managed a few easy miles that I knew would carry me over until I could either run again or make it to volleyball mid-week. The volleyball happened first. We had a huge turnout with a few new faces and enough players to have 3 teams. My little volleyball dream has morphed into a following.

Mini attended a beach birthday party with a new friend, played too hard in the swimming pool, and spent her last 2 days in Cali on the couch resting. Indeed she looked exhausted at the end of the week when Spare Parts and I made the trek to retrieve her from the airport. Also, she immediately ran right past me into Part’s arms so I put her in her place. As I stood there dumbfounded. The nerve!

In doctoral news, this current class may be the death of me. No jokes. Despite being incredibly thankful the professor has painstakingly answered every question I have – soooo many of them – I still don’t know what to write to satisfy each module’s requirements. I would love for it to be more generalized so I can write the way I typically do; however, the expectations are so specific that it makes it feel impossible. I know there’s a lesson in this but right now I’m wallowing in stress and self-pity. Just a short time remaining until the sand and sea call my name from a balcony overlooking the ocean. In the meantime, mini will be glued to my side, talking endlessly, and entertaining me with her own brand of humor.

I hope I make it.

Finally, thank you all for tuning in these past 8 weeks for my sanity check during mini’s summer adventures. School will start soon enough and surely I’ll be regaling you with that experience. Hope you have an incredible Monday!

__________________

I ask you –

Have you ever attended a beach birthday party?

What’s something funny you’ve heard lately?

Tell me about your most recent struggle.

(The post Summer Update, finale first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)