Twilight Zone

All I know is if I don’t take a break soon, I won’t be able to juggle the plates any longer. There have been a few weeks of such confusion and utterly mind-blowing emotional stress that I’m honestly not sure how I made it through. It’s not even me! For nearly an entire week, there was a parade of people into my office who were really going through it. Boxes of tissues and phone calls to check up on them and just the overwhelming compassion fatigue it brings with it had me questioning my own sanity. Honestly, I felt numb, as if it wasn’t really happening. Because, of course, at the same time I was dealing with my own skyrocketing stress levels due to insane assignments, incredibly early mornings and late nights, the same fasted bloodwork two weeks in a row, and trying to balance my own physical needs. It was a lot.

Somewhere in here I need to get feet x-rays (update: those are done, will post more later), solidify the decision regarding a ball gown, and make a baby basket. Which I actually forgot about until…now. In other news, I’ve taken a few personality tests recently and can decidedly share that I’m a well adjusted, anal retentive Gold/Green (Four Lenses), with perfectionistic Type 1 (Enneagram) traits. So basically my insane drive for list making and efficiency suits me to a T. T is for try me. I can’t be mad. It’s just who I am and I’ve learned to embrace it.

My muse told me this fantastic one liner: everyone wants to be a General until it’s time to do General shit. Isn’t that the truth. Similar to current conversations: everyone wants to be an alpha until it’s time to be the alpha. Who am I to judge on whether or not they can or can’t actually be the alpha but I’m not seeing it.

(there should be a fun, lighthearted, catchy photo right here but I didn’t have anything)

P.S. the pity parade continued for more days past the time of this writing. My carpet was practically wet.

___________________________

I ask you –

Have you ever taken a personality test? Care to share your results?

How often do you clean your carpet?

Tell me your favorite saying!

(The post Twilight Zone first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Upward Spiral

To say the past 6 weeks have been difficult is an understatement. And it wasn’t the entire 6 weeks of life, just this course. I’m way out of my comfort zone in the land of statistics and quantitative research. Also very concerned I’ll have the same professor next course. I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered such a large number of unhelpful people.

For example, I reached out to several classmates for their take on a certain assignment where I was struggling beyond belief. Nothing. Nada. No response. No acknowledgement whatsoever. The professor was only slightly more helpful and that was after I basically begged for help. Talk about disheartening. Yes, I recognize a PhD program is very lonely. However, where is the people aspect? What has happened to make us so closed off and unwilling or unable to simply acknowledge another? Clearly, that’s rhetorical.

Like I said, it was rough. At one point, I began to spiral into the line of thinking that maybe the program wasn’t for me, that I needed a break, that maybe my best wasn’t good enough, even what was the bare minimum I could get away with. I was struggling. However, the power of perspective is just that – incredibly powerful. I worshipped with my loudest voice, I sat alone in thought, and I was reminded of what I needed to do. Keep trying, Kel.

P.S. Eventually a fellow classmate did respond. And, by eventually, I mean more than a week later. On the bright side, there was a response.

________________________

I ask you –

How’s your life treating you? Do tell!

What is your go-to event/activity/self help reasoning when things get tough?

Tell me something good you have going on!

(The post Upward Spiral first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

They Beckon Me

A small voice calls to me from my sleep. Do you want coffee, Kel? Doesn’t matter that it’s 2am, 5am, mid-afternoon. I always answer yes. Short of labeling it an addiction, coffee is comfort. It’s my siren song.

In a vain attempt at creating coffee shop-worthy drinks, I made my own cold brew. Not half bad. However, the espresso beans were a bit past their shelf life so it turned out somewhat bitter. I still drank it. Then I ordered new beans.

Chicka D’s, of course

Also, I had a small issue with remembering to complete my fasted blood work so I was forced to reschedule which resulted in a nearly lunchtime appointment. Fasted. Starving. Not in a great overall mood. That particular day called for a third caffeinated beverage, mainly as a reward for not harming anyone.

I don’t know how some people do it. How do they survive without these magical beans? I never want to find out.

________________________

I ask you –

How much coffee do you drink per day?

Does the need for coffee ever wake you up?

Tell me about the last time you forgot an important appointment!

(The post They Beckon Me first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Girl Can Dream

As there are some travel plans during my month long holiday break, of course I took the opportunity to see if there were any nearby races. I can’t help it. There weren’t; however, it made me contemplate a training plan. I’m consistently running 12-15 miles per week now and I feel strong. Running throughout the summer really established a great base albeit difficult to circumvent the Texas heat. Yet somehow I did it. A few moments were touchy but I think I excelled at staying hydrated and playing safely.

But I’m leary of the incredible inflammation that comes with a training regimen. And I really don’t have the necessary time to devote to it with my school schedule. My knee is in a good place, too, so I can’t fathom disrupting the work and maintenance it requires to stay healthy.

Notwithstanding, this course load is rough. It’s only one course. Anything statistics related is my Achilles heel. Even when I am the professor what he envisions, it doesn’t end well. Maybe he doesn’t know either. All I do know is there’s about 3 weeks remaining and I’m counting down the days.

Returning to running, I’m consistently making it out for a few miles a few times a week and then usually a long(er) run on the weekends. Like I said before. My plan is to maintain this schedule during the winter and spring then see what next summer looks like. An immersive dissertation year will be upon me. We shall see.

I may not be sleeping or dreaming as much as before, but soon enough they will return.

____________________________

I ask you –

What kind of mileage have you been running or walking lately?

Do you typically dream?

Give me some advice for when I’m not sleeping well!

(The post A Girl Can Dream first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 2

I know I said this would be a series, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Probably should have known that.

When some research literally brainwashes you into such a position that you have no idea what’s reality and what’s utter BS – does that mean you’ve finally made it?! I’m so far into the weeds, I honestly can’t tell. All I know is I started writing and didn’t put the proverbial pen down until it was complete. Which is a far cry better than writer’s block, in my opinion. Especially when I’m getting paid to write. Details.

Completely confident my entire dissertation is/will be a load of garbage. Which is funny because I was so excited about it initially. I wanted to change the course of research! I wanted to contribute to the knowledge base. Now? Please let me survive this with a small semblance of sanity.

The hardship and coinciding blessing of a doctoral program is loneliness. There’s little if any interaction with other students so you lose that human touch, the connectedness. As most are online programs, it’s not like I can reach out to a fellow student for advice. Even worse is when a professor either gives no feedback or such subjective feedback that it feels like they missed the point entirely. It’s not that I need acknowledgement because I recognize this is a choice I made, but it wouldn’t kill them to acknowledge it either.

Like I said, I’m so far into the weeds of analysis lately I don’t even know where reality is anymore. In the meantime, I’ll just keep pulling crap out of the bottom of the dumpster and selling it as my own!

__________________________

I ask you –

Do you have any mottos?

Where does sanity even come from?

Tell me about a time when you expected acknowledgement and it never came.

(The post Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 2 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

How’s It Going?

For seemingly no reason at all, last week literally kicked my arse. Team No Sleep – I was averaging 4 hrs of sleep per night, my Garmin was almost on the fritz with the what-is-wrong-with-you? Weirdly I kept having this recurring dream about a bobcat. I’m clueless. When I finally exhausted the bobcat dreams, it progressed to gummy bears. I give up.

Volleyball – I spent more time on the ground than I did upright and my body bore the marks. Even with knee pads, I tore open my knee from a previous week’s injury sans kneepads. Note to self – purchase better kneepads. My grandmother would be appalled. She had this thing about women having pretty knees. As a teenager, I made a wildly inappropriate joke and she was not pleased! Nonetheless, I think my second career as a knee model is doomed. My body looks and feels like it got run over. There was one point in the game when I fell on the floor and the ball wasn’t even near me. How, Kel?! Obviously in volleyball the object is to stay low but I just … fell. Who needs hips anyway.

Teamwork

By the end of the week, the events really started to ramp up. We hosted a run/walk/remember 5k so, of course, like a good little overachiever, I planned to run it knowing well enough I had blood work following it. Hydration? Psshhhh. So I devised a plan to bribe a friend to be my water girl during the run so I could ensure I stayed hydrated. Conflict of interest? Maybe. More importantly, the blood work part of the day never materialized because it was FASTED blood work and I drank my coffee, ate breakfast, downed electrolytes, and did all the things one should not do before fasted blood work. Alas, I had to reschedule. More to follow.

Finally, I received a B+ on the paper I had stressed and stayed up countless hours writing with literally a miniscule of guidance from the professor. Not pleased. So, I sulked for a day and ate a pint of ice cream (keto, of course).

The next morning – back at it. Indeed, life does go on.

______________________

I ask you –

Have you been having trouble sleeping, too?

Did you forget to fast before blood work?

Tell me how it’s going for you!

(The post How’s It Going first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 1

Just when I get things figured out – BOOM! Another dumpster fire of doctoral proportions. Yes, I knew this wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t expect it to be so confusing either.

Allow me to elaborate:

Professor: Write this paper using my special outline with such specific instructions that you can’t deviate. 20 pages.

Me: Stressed. Writing. Done.

Professor: Now write this other paper using my super generic outline without context. 30 pages.

Me: But you want an outline? Of 30 pages? Copy. Paste. Done.

Professor: NOT LIKE THAT!

In other related news – the first part of this degree process was conferred. Whoohoo!

Allow me to bask in the accomplishment for a second. Ok, it’s over. I need to write more.

Intention: This will most definitely be a series of posts so I’ve named it thusly. Standby.

____________________

I ask you –

Have you ever been dumpster diving? Not purposefully.

Are you the creator of mixed messages?

Tell me something you’ve done lately that you’re proud of!

(The post Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 1 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Love Notes

Surely in the last 4 yrs of Running on Fumes I have mentioned my sweet great aunt, my daughter’s namesake, the woman who taught me that life is for giving. But, if you’re new here, allow me to introduce her once again.

It’s very difficult for her to hear on the phone so occasionally I break out the pen and paper and send her a love note. At 96, her ears may not be what they once were but her sight is adequate. She is love epitomized into one small woman with the most beautiful laugh and a smile that lights up the entire world.

She’s a God-fearing woman with a heart of genuine gold. I try to be a woman she is proud of, an incredible mom like she filled that role for me, and an overall good person. And her deep baritone singing voice? Well, nothing I do could ever come close.

Sure, this post is short today but there’s so much meaning behind it. Call the person, send them a love note, tell them how much they are missed. It’s not for you. It’s for them.

________________

I ask you –

Do you have a special person in your life?

How is your singing voice?

Tell me the last time you sent someone a personal letter or note!

(The post Love Notes first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Is It Not?

Getting this off my chest because I feel like somehow it’s a common misconception.

As this is a conversation I’ve had with a lot of people, it would seem there is much confusion on the topic of men, women, couples, etc. doing things to take care of themselves, as in anything from taking care of themselves physically (gym, working out, whatever that looks like to satisfy physical needs) and emotionally (mental health, counseling, strong friendships), etc.

Addressing physical needs from a male perspective (again, this is based on the conversations I’ve had with many different people so no, it’s not publishable research but it is first hand experience): men seem to appreciate when women do things to take care of themselves physically. Biologically, men are visual. They want to see whatever picture they’ve built in their minds. Here’s the problem: women want the same thing. This is not a solely male desire. There’s typically some form of physical attraction in a relationship; therefore, women want to know men are taking steps to work on themselves, too. If men expect women to do these things based on their need for a certain visual, but think women don’t want the same thing – you’re wrong. We do, too. Biology isn’t relegated to one sex or another. This whole concept of “letting yourself go” because you’re married or in a long term relationship is nonsense. Better yet, why would someone want to live that way? Don’t you want to be better to feel good about you? Get over yourself.

A pretty flower to lessen the sting of the truth.

Next, emotionally. It doesn’t matter what it looked like for your parents or grandparents or family tree going back decades. Mental health is important. And everyone deserves to have their needs being met by a competent person. If you think someone who is struggling with the things people struggle with can have their mental needs satisfied by their partner alone, then you’re wrong. Your partner is not your therapist. So go forward like an adult and seek therapy. Again, this is normal. Projecting your unresolved trauma and issues and all that other stuff will not result in a stable relationship. Get some help.

Now, we return to your regularly scheduled it’s all good, touchy feely stuff. But, for real, get it together.

—————————————-

I ask you –

Do you disagree? Why? Prove it.

Are you the visual or the emotional partner?

Tell me some tips to navigate this phenomenon.

(The post Is It Not? first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Good Place – writing and running

My newest class is loosely based on research design and how I better get my life together prior to next year’s dissertation. Not entirely joking. I was quite pleased that my final feedback last course was this “Kelly – you’re an original thinker…”. Translation: you’re full of crap. Pardon me while I focus on that original part.

I went old school

Thus far, I thought this research class was going to be tougher than it is. Famous last words! I never knew there was so much psychological and worldview theory behind research methods. As I’m trying my hardest to incorporate a projected dissertation idea into each course to alleviate how much stress I feel next year, there’s a lot of pressure to get this right but, if I can manage it, then it will pay off. Correction: it’s actually really difficult and I have zero idea what I’m doing.

Speaking of things paying off: somehow I have consistently run a few miles a few times a week for a few months now. Despite the heat that threatens to a) burn up the entire state and b) dehydrate me on a cellular level, I get up early and run when I can. I’m so ready for cooler temperatures yet with everything I have going on I haven’t missed racing. This is a good place to be in.

Despite the weather, the lack of professor involvement, and some very convoluted paper instructions, things are going well. I’m even mostly standing upright!

____________________

I ask you –

What do you know about research designs?

Has the weather begun to change where you live?

“Original thinker” sounded like a compliment, right? Just go with it.

(The post A Good Place – writing and running first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)