Much Ado About Nothing

Going through a rough patch of life and received the following advice: Don’t punish yourself for feeling too much. Why is this so hard?

Getting to see Christmas lights is an unconventional love language to me. Maybe it’s because it was the last experience my dad and I had before he passed. Beautiful downtown Dallas was lit up like a literal Christmas tree and as we drove through the lighted tunnels, even then, my young heart knew things were about to change. It’s an unexplainable feeling of sadness. But, today, I enjoy seeing Christmas lights, as well as long drives. Or walks. Those are lovely, too.

When I realized the impending foot surgery is quickly approaching, I decided to take every chance to run. So I ran 3 days straight. Then, I remembered that really wasn’t the best idea. Nonetheless, Garmin was pleased. I fantastically wanted to complete a 30-day run streak prior to surgery but when day 3 was incredibly rough I just didn’t have what it takes to power through, mainly because I couldn’t come up with a valid answer to that why question.

Every day, my watch is set to chime at 2pm. I call it my union break. Before, I considered it my take-a-moment break. Now I just consider walking to get coffee. More than consider. Often I find myself walking to get coffee. Around 2pm. But at least I’m moving my body!

_______________________

I ask you –

How much do you enjoy seeing Christmas lights?

Have you ever completed a run streak? For how long?

Tell me your typical “break time”.

(The post Much Ado About Nothing first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

You Can’t Tell Me

…that running isn’t life-changing and here’s why:

From a Life Sentence to Freedom

…that building brand new schools on the taxpayer’s dime somehow negates the time and effort put into our children at home and in the classroom. Children are miracles and deserve our best; however, if parents and teachers aren’t given the resources necessary to facilitate strong learning, then we have big problems. And, on the note of parents, if you have no intention of actually completing the school portion of the words home school, then you’re doing a gross disservice to your children. I understand disagreements with policies and procedures in the education system, but you’re going to need to devote a lot of time to your children’s learning if you intend to be the teacher.

…that connections with others don’t bring about great opportunities – like a quick conversation with a previous professor who reminded me we know a statistics guru who may be able to help with the results section of my upcoming dissertation.

…that homemade cranberry sauce isn’t at least 1,000x better than canned jelly. We got the orange and lemon ratio right this year and it was quite possibly the best cranberry sauce I’ve ever had, short of Aunt MC’s who absolutely makes the very best.

__________________

I ask you –

Did you homeschool or were you homeschooled?

How has running been going lately?

Tell me if you like cranberry sauce or cranberry jelly best! I like each but I prefer the sauce.

(The post You Can’t Tell Me first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Don’t Let Me –

Something I have found incredibly irritating in the academia world is the complacency. Well, it’s in every world.

Story time.

As you may know, I’m seeking a dissertation chair so I may begin the dissertation process in 2024. The requirements are a chair and a reader (2 separate people). Thus far, I have a reader; however, in emailing and consulting with nearly a dozen professors now, I still have no chair. A chair is basically the dissertation god of one’s dissertation. The reader is like a fancy editor. Reader: check. Chair: negative. As you can imagine, I’m quite frustrated.

Back to complacency. In numerous conversations with potential chairs, I’ve received quite the feedback, but this one was the most eye rolling. The professor (mind you – he is considered an expert in his field, a phD holder, someone who professes to others on the subject of my doctoral degree) stated he had never heard of my potential subject subset. Further, he used the words “…in all my years…”. Enter complacency. My projected area of study has been around for decades; it’s not new. It’s also a simple combination of 2 well-known areas. The real issue is complacency with what “has always been done”. Granted, I’m harshly perceiving his words, but how often does it happen that someone becomes an expert and then stops actively learning? My guess is often.

To counteract my grumpiness and frustration, I got outside to enjoy some fall. Also, I was home with sick people so I needed an escape.

Don’t let me – get complacent, live for the “this is how we’ve always done it”, and forget to find fall.

Update prior to posting: I have a chair AND a reader!!!! Long story, I’ll explain later. So, now you all have to listen to me complain for the next <1.5 years about how I will manage to pull this off. But I will!

______________________

I ask you –

What are your thoughts on complacency?

Is it feeling like fall?

Tell me some of your good news! Happy Thanksgiving, tomorrow, to all who celebrate. I will, of course, be writing and catching glimpses of the football game.

(The post Don’t Let Me – first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Semi-Dark Thoughts

I’m a firm believer in the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Typically. Usually. Sometimes. But I also think the more time you’ve spent with someone, the harder it is to overcome grief. Unpopular and slightly dark opinion: as a child, losing someone you love is actually easier because you wouldn’t have spent as much time with them and there’s more of your life to process grief. However, losing someone as an adult is more difficult because a) you’ve known them longer and b) may find it more difficult to acknowledge grief.

Sometimes the dark thought of self doubt creeps in and I have a low moment of wondering what I could possibly bring to the table. For example, I had a fantastic conversation with one of my classmates and he helped me figure out some of the stats tables I’d been struggling with. As he has an accounting background, I deferred to his expertise. But, when we hung up, I wondered why would he help me and what could I possibly contribute to the remainder of our doctoral journey. I don’t need compliments, I need purpose. So, it took some time, but I realized what I’m here for: connection. Both of the classmates I’ve befriended are a result of me reaching out, forming a connection, continuing to reply and encourage because, by doing so, it encourages me. Maybe I’m no numbers whiz and maybe I struggle with the most basic of tables and figures but the table I sit at offers connection. Figures. Get it, get it.

On a related note, I made a last minute appointment to get the tattoo I’ve been brainstorming for many months now. Even designed it myself. It’s very simple, no color, and perfect for me.

From top to bottom: The coffee cup is my own personal trademark because I rarely am not drinking coffee. The semicolon is very close to my heart as it symbolizes a pause, a breath, a short break in thoughts, and is often used for suicide awareness, of which my father took his own life when I was 10. The stack of books is twofold: 1) I love to read, always have and 2) as a lifelong learner and career college student, then books made sense. Finally, the 13.1 represents my adoration for running the half marathon distance.

As an addendum, there’s still room for the word Dr. and the 26.2 below what I currently have. Upon those completions. Despite this tattoo being my most visible, I couldn’t think of a better place because of how often I look down at my Just Run bracelet so an additional reminder of the things I love and have meaning is just beautiful.

Finally, if you’re in the Wichita Falls (or DFW area), find Josh at Factory City Tattoo. By far the best conversationalist with some really fascinating personal history and connections to the Wichita Falls area. He’s the man to make all your permanent ink desires come true!

_______________________

I ask you –

Do you have any tattoos?

If so, what hurt the worst? This was comparable to a few bee stings. One of my others was a lot more painful near my hip bone.

Tell me about something in your life that’s symbolic.

(The post Semi-Dark Thoughts first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Unearthly Expectations

As expected, my foots need expert, aka surgical, attention. You know – for all that technology has accomplished, how come there’s only a few options for feet? I did all the others. The surgeon was quite incredulous when I requested to have surgery on both feet simultaneously. But I persevered! Eventually, he came around to my way of thinking but it took some convincing. First, he says it’s dangerous when you can’t walk under your own power. Then, he says the pain may be too much. His final attempt at dissuading me was my mental health. Something about suffering from depression when unable to run.

I counteracted his every argument by saying I will sit at home and be a good patient; I have a high pain tolerance; and it makes more sense to have both feet done to allow me to complete my coursework at one time.

Then, when I visited my muse, her advice wasn’t quite what I wanted to hear but valuable nonetheless. She said, “Kel, you’re still Wonder Woman, but it’s an unearthly expectation to do all the things just because you can.” Granted, her words stopped me in my tracks and made me reconsider my decision. For a time. It’s difficult considering all the unknown variables, including being unable to play in the intramural volleyball league as originally planned. Now, I’ll just coach!

My wingwoman and I

So, all this to say my mind is pretty much made up. I may come to regret it but both feet is the way to go. Despite the circumstances and outliers, I know I can persevere. And I will.

Yet every time you make it through something that doesn’t kill you or land you in jail, there’s this overwhelming feeling of excitement and gratitude. I live for it.

___________________

I ask you –

Any big decisions on the horizon?

Could this be the dumbest decision I’ve made? It very well could be.

Tell me about your superpowers!

(The post Unearthly Expectations first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Always the Dramatics

I knew that the short 7 day reprieve from coursework would fly by, so I gave myself something every day to look forward to, something just for me. Besides, what’s a moment compared to the avg 3 hrs/day I typically spend on schoolwork, right?

First day, I found this: “Half of the battle of anxiety is realizing when you’re entering the battle. This is mainly because our fears and insecurities feel so true. We tend to go along with whatever pops into our heads.”

Days 2-7 didn’t go according to plan. What did I do for myself these days? I survived because it never, ever, ever fails that my body ditches all common sense during a break and caves to sickness. Sure, it was just a head cold meets some seasonal allergies but I was convinced this might be the end. I didn’t even run for a few days! Then, the meds worked wonders and I was back at it.

Finally, on the newest episode of “Where Did These Bruises Come From?!”, twice-a-week volleyball is kicking my butt. And hands. And knees. Seriously, every time I shower I find a new discoloration and/or painful area. But is it worthwhile? Absolutely not. I mean … of course it is!

______________

I ask you –

Do you battle anxiety or anxious thoughts?

Have you been struggling with allergies, too?

On a scale of 1 to holy crap you need to chill out, tell me how dramatic you are! 12.

(The post Always the Dramatics first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Moving Along

“You’ve come a long way from that lonely girl who would walk the third floor hallway by herself.” – a third floor resident. Why, thank you, kind sir. I believe you are correct!

Photo credit: Sheppard AFB

Each year, I’m humbled to run the POW/MIA 5k and share the stories of my grandfather. He truly was the kindest, most gentle man with a larger-than-life smile. The only smiles I think are more adorable than his are his sister’s (my beautiful great Aunt Mary Catherine) and my little mini. It’s difficult to run solemnly because his memory makes me laugh so if I was offensive to anyone on the track who was quietly remembering their loved ones or the many strangers who never returned home, I hope they know I meant no harm.

We had an impromptu car photo shoot after getting coffee together. It’s rare I’m the one to take her to school but it makes us both happy when I can. The dirtiest glasses she owns. I couldn’t see a thing beyond the smudges!

At the time of this post, I’ll be mere days away from completion of another 8 week course and ready to embark on the next. But not before a well-deserved 7 day break. There are no words.

_________________________________

I ask you –

Are you involved in an annual POW/MIA remembrance tradition?

If you wear glasses, how often do you clean them?

Insults designed as compliments. Big fan!

(The post Moving Along first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

More Than We Realize

Finally completed the necessary x-rays to start the long process of making decisions re: me feets. One foot, two foots.

If only running was simply a hobby, or something I occasionally do for fun it would make this process seemingly easier. Instead, running is a way of life. It’s my way of clearing my head, making sense of life’s messiness, of putting the anxiety into focus, of leaving “me” behind for a few miles. I don’t run just to run; I run because I need it. The few months post-race circa December 2021 when I couldn’t run, when I thought I may never run again – difficult doesn’t begin to describe how I felt. Admittedly, there were moments of sheer panic and depression considering how I would navigate life without running shoes. It’s not the shoes that make the runner, it’s the getting out the door, breathing in one last time, then pushing forward. It’s the arm swing, the sound and feel of my feet hitting the pavement, the eventual exhaustion that signals a good run. It’s so much more than the word “run”.

Surrounded by kindness

In other news, I have a tough time making the decision to meter myself, in running, life, conversations, everything. Occasionally I remember to ask permission prior to forgiveness but it’s not often. Also, it’s comical when someone thanks me for my patience. Because I am not patient. Not even a little bit. I put on a show but inside I am an anxious mess of restlessness. Zero patience. I demand efficiency in all aspects. Patient? Not this girl. But thank you for believing I am.

_________________________

I ask you –

What helps clear your head?

Do you consider yourself patient?

Tell me about a recent kind act in your life!

(The post More Than We Realize first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Girl Can Dream

As there are some travel plans during my month long holiday break, of course I took the opportunity to see if there were any nearby races. I can’t help it. There weren’t; however, it made me contemplate a training plan. I’m consistently running 12-15 miles per week now and I feel strong. Running throughout the summer really established a great base albeit difficult to circumvent the Texas heat. Yet somehow I did it. A few moments were touchy but I think I excelled at staying hydrated and playing safely.

But I’m leary of the incredible inflammation that comes with a training regimen. And I really don’t have the necessary time to devote to it with my school schedule. My knee is in a good place, too, so I can’t fathom disrupting the work and maintenance it requires to stay healthy.

Notwithstanding, this course load is rough. It’s only one course. Anything statistics related is my Achilles heel. Even when I am the professor what he envisions, it doesn’t end well. Maybe he doesn’t know either. All I do know is there’s about 3 weeks remaining and I’m counting down the days.

Returning to running, I’m consistently making it out for a few miles a few times a week and then usually a long(er) run on the weekends. Like I said before. My plan is to maintain this schedule during the winter and spring then see what next summer looks like. An immersive dissertation year will be upon me. We shall see.

I may not be sleeping or dreaming as much as before, but soon enough they will return.

____________________________

I ask you –

What kind of mileage have you been running or walking lately?

Do you typically dream?

Give me some advice for when I’m not sleeping well!

(The post A Girl Can Dream first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

How’s It Going?

For seemingly no reason at all, last week literally kicked my arse. Team No Sleep – I was averaging 4 hrs of sleep per night, my Garmin was almost on the fritz with the what-is-wrong-with-you? Weirdly I kept having this recurring dream about a bobcat. I’m clueless. When I finally exhausted the bobcat dreams, it progressed to gummy bears. I give up.

Volleyball – I spent more time on the ground than I did upright and my body bore the marks. Even with knee pads, I tore open my knee from a previous week’s injury sans kneepads. Note to self – purchase better kneepads. My grandmother would be appalled. She had this thing about women having pretty knees. As a teenager, I made a wildly inappropriate joke and she was not pleased! Nonetheless, I think my second career as a knee model is doomed. My body looks and feels like it got run over. There was one point in the game when I fell on the floor and the ball wasn’t even near me. How, Kel?! Obviously in volleyball the object is to stay low but I just … fell. Who needs hips anyway.

Teamwork

By the end of the week, the events really started to ramp up. We hosted a run/walk/remember 5k so, of course, like a good little overachiever, I planned to run it knowing well enough I had blood work following it. Hydration? Psshhhh. So I devised a plan to bribe a friend to be my water girl during the run so I could ensure I stayed hydrated. Conflict of interest? Maybe. More importantly, the blood work part of the day never materialized because it was FASTED blood work and I drank my coffee, ate breakfast, downed electrolytes, and did all the things one should not do before fasted blood work. Alas, I had to reschedule. More to follow.

Finally, I received a B+ on the paper I had stressed and stayed up countless hours writing with literally a miniscule of guidance from the professor. Not pleased. So, I sulked for a day and ate a pint of ice cream (keto, of course).

The next morning – back at it. Indeed, life does go on.

______________________

I ask you –

Have you been having trouble sleeping, too?

Did you forget to fast before blood work?

Tell me how it’s going for you!

(The post How’s It Going first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)