Much Ado About Nothing

Going through a rough patch of life and received the following advice: Don’t punish yourself for feeling too much. Why is this so hard?

Getting to see Christmas lights is an unconventional love language to me. Maybe it’s because it was the last experience my dad and I had before he passed. Beautiful downtown Dallas was lit up like a literal Christmas tree and as we drove through the lighted tunnels, even then, my young heart knew things were about to change. It’s an unexplainable feeling of sadness. But, today, I enjoy seeing Christmas lights, as well as long drives. Or walks. Those are lovely, too.

When I realized the impending foot surgery is quickly approaching, I decided to take every chance to run. So I ran 3 days straight. Then, I remembered that really wasn’t the best idea. Nonetheless, Garmin was pleased. I fantastically wanted to complete a 30-day run streak prior to surgery but when day 3 was incredibly rough I just didn’t have what it takes to power through, mainly because I couldn’t come up with a valid answer to that why question.

Every day, my watch is set to chime at 2pm. I call it my union break. Before, I considered it my take-a-moment break. Now I just consider walking to get coffee. More than consider. Often I find myself walking to get coffee. Around 2pm. But at least I’m moving my body!

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I ask you –

How much do you enjoy seeing Christmas lights?

Have you ever completed a run streak? For how long?

Tell me your typical “break time”.

(The post Much Ado About Nothing first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Don’t Let Me –

Something I have found incredibly irritating in the academia world is the complacency. Well, it’s in every world.

Story time.

As you may know, I’m seeking a dissertation chair so I may begin the dissertation process in 2024. The requirements are a chair and a reader (2 separate people). Thus far, I have a reader; however, in emailing and consulting with nearly a dozen professors now, I still have no chair. A chair is basically the dissertation god of one’s dissertation. The reader is like a fancy editor. Reader: check. Chair: negative. As you can imagine, I’m quite frustrated.

Back to complacency. In numerous conversations with potential chairs, I’ve received quite the feedback, but this one was the most eye rolling. The professor (mind you – he is considered an expert in his field, a phD holder, someone who professes to others on the subject of my doctoral degree) stated he had never heard of my potential subject subset. Further, he used the words “…in all my years…”. Enter complacency. My projected area of study has been around for decades; it’s not new. It’s also a simple combination of 2 well-known areas. The real issue is complacency with what “has always been done”. Granted, I’m harshly perceiving his words, but how often does it happen that someone becomes an expert and then stops actively learning? My guess is often.

To counteract my grumpiness and frustration, I got outside to enjoy some fall. Also, I was home with sick people so I needed an escape.

Don’t let me – get complacent, live for the “this is how we’ve always done it”, and forget to find fall.

Update prior to posting: I have a chair AND a reader!!!! Long story, I’ll explain later. So, now you all have to listen to me complain for the next <1.5 years about how I will manage to pull this off. But I will!

______________________

I ask you –

What are your thoughts on complacency?

Is it feeling like fall?

Tell me some of your good news! Happy Thanksgiving, tomorrow, to all who celebrate. I will, of course, be writing and catching glimpses of the football game.

(The post Don’t Let Me – first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Team Things!

Occasionally we have time to sneak away from work and do fun stuff, like go bowling! And eat copious amounts of holiday food, like banana pudding. It’s been a very busy past few months so team spirit and morale-inducing activities are exactly what was needed.

It’s a major award

Returning from the work trip and diving right into a short week of activities, volleyball, mini’s dermatology requirements (for another day), and realizing Thanksgiving is right around the corner – it’s a lot. Can’t forget to mention this course I’m in that has the capacity to literally kill me. How I wish I was a numbers person and understood coefficients and correlations and some dude’s name that stands for something in statistics. Ugh. I don’t know. This professor – whom I also had the previous semester – is destroying my papers. And I still don’t have a chair – have I mentioned this debacle yet? Wait for it.

Back to the team! I’m truly thankful for the people I work with, work for, and work alongside. It’s a longstanding joke about everyone stressing me out, but, truthfully, I’m the only one who stresses me out. At least I have a team of people who keep me going.

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I ask you –

Are you a part of a work team or do you work solo?

When was the last time you went bowling?

Tell me about your Thanksgiving plans!

(The post Team Things! first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Where do we go from here?

Kel, it can’t always be everyone else. Sometimes…it’s you.

Remember when (probably last week) I mentioned it had been the 2nd time someone scraped their tire against the front panel of my car? Well, upon the 3rd incident, I decided to reexamine the situation. It was me. Turns out – pun intended – when I pull into the garage, I’m cutting the angle a little too close and touching the garage panel. Whoopsies.

Incident #2

Typically I don’t share a lot on here that’s incredibly vulnerable and personal. Mostly I try to keep it positive yet self-deprecating because that’s funny to me; however, lately, for whatever reason, I was considering things I regret from a generalized perspective. And, I believe my biggest regret is how I was not there for my best friend when she needed me most. We’d been through so much together yet I bailed when all she wanted was acceptance. And I bailed at a critically horrible time in her life, when she was dealing with a medical crisis. As far as regrets, that’s definitely the biggest, almost unforgivable one I can think of. Others might disagree. If there’s ever a time when I can say it can’t always be everyone else, that time … It was all me. Occasionally we reach out to each other but it will never be the same. I hurt her. In a matter of minutes, I lost every ounce of trust she had ever placed in me. Rebuilding it might take forever. There’s no funny ending to this piece of information and it’s sad still.

But what isn’t sad yet is still applicable to everyone is the year I’ve had so far. I don’t love recognition from a large, well lit stage. Really, I want my team to be recognized for their contributions to my success because I wouldn’t be here without them. So, I would say to them, it isn’t everyone else, it’s you. And all of the you’s make it worth it.

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I ask you –

Have you ever thought something was happening to you that wasn’t your fault?

Any advice for regaining trust in a long-term friendship?

Tell me about your successes!

(The post Where do we go from here? first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Unearthly Expectations

As expected, my foots need expert, aka surgical, attention. You know – for all that technology has accomplished, how come there’s only a few options for feet? I did all the others. The surgeon was quite incredulous when I requested to have surgery on both feet simultaneously. But I persevered! Eventually, he came around to my way of thinking but it took some convincing. First, he says it’s dangerous when you can’t walk under your own power. Then, he says the pain may be too much. His final attempt at dissuading me was my mental health. Something about suffering from depression when unable to run.

I counteracted his every argument by saying I will sit at home and be a good patient; I have a high pain tolerance; and it makes more sense to have both feet done to allow me to complete my coursework at one time.

Then, when I visited my muse, her advice wasn’t quite what I wanted to hear but valuable nonetheless. She said, “Kel, you’re still Wonder Woman, but it’s an unearthly expectation to do all the things just because you can.” Granted, her words stopped me in my tracks and made me reconsider my decision. For a time. It’s difficult considering all the unknown variables, including being unable to play in the intramural volleyball league as originally planned. Now, I’ll just coach!

My wingwoman and I

So, all this to say my mind is pretty much made up. I may come to regret it but both feet is the way to go. Despite the circumstances and outliers, I know I can persevere. And I will.

Yet every time you make it through something that doesn’t kill you or land you in jail, there’s this overwhelming feeling of excitement and gratitude. I live for it.

___________________

I ask you –

Any big decisions on the horizon?

Could this be the dumbest decision I’ve made? It very well could be.

Tell me about your superpowers!

(The post Unearthly Expectations first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

More Than We Realize

Finally completed the necessary x-rays to start the long process of making decisions re: me feets. One foot, two foots.

If only running was simply a hobby, or something I occasionally do for fun it would make this process seemingly easier. Instead, running is a way of life. It’s my way of clearing my head, making sense of life’s messiness, of putting the anxiety into focus, of leaving “me” behind for a few miles. I don’t run just to run; I run because I need it. The few months post-race circa December 2021 when I couldn’t run, when I thought I may never run again – difficult doesn’t begin to describe how I felt. Admittedly, there were moments of sheer panic and depression considering how I would navigate life without running shoes. It’s not the shoes that make the runner, it’s the getting out the door, breathing in one last time, then pushing forward. It’s the arm swing, the sound and feel of my feet hitting the pavement, the eventual exhaustion that signals a good run. It’s so much more than the word “run”.

Surrounded by kindness

In other news, I have a tough time making the decision to meter myself, in running, life, conversations, everything. Occasionally I remember to ask permission prior to forgiveness but it’s not often. Also, it’s comical when someone thanks me for my patience. Because I am not patient. Not even a little bit. I put on a show but inside I am an anxious mess of restlessness. Zero patience. I demand efficiency in all aspects. Patient? Not this girl. But thank you for believing I am.

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I ask you –

What helps clear your head?

Do you consider yourself patient?

Tell me about a recent kind act in your life!

(The post More Than We Realize first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Girl Can Dream

As there are some travel plans during my month long holiday break, of course I took the opportunity to see if there were any nearby races. I can’t help it. There weren’t; however, it made me contemplate a training plan. I’m consistently running 12-15 miles per week now and I feel strong. Running throughout the summer really established a great base albeit difficult to circumvent the Texas heat. Yet somehow I did it. A few moments were touchy but I think I excelled at staying hydrated and playing safely.

But I’m leary of the incredible inflammation that comes with a training regimen. And I really don’t have the necessary time to devote to it with my school schedule. My knee is in a good place, too, so I can’t fathom disrupting the work and maintenance it requires to stay healthy.

Notwithstanding, this course load is rough. It’s only one course. Anything statistics related is my Achilles heel. Even when I am the professor what he envisions, it doesn’t end well. Maybe he doesn’t know either. All I do know is there’s about 3 weeks remaining and I’m counting down the days.

Returning to running, I’m consistently making it out for a few miles a few times a week and then usually a long(er) run on the weekends. Like I said before. My plan is to maintain this schedule during the winter and spring then see what next summer looks like. An immersive dissertation year will be upon me. We shall see.

I may not be sleeping or dreaming as much as before, but soon enough they will return.

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I ask you –

What kind of mileage have you been running or walking lately?

Do you typically dream?

Give me some advice for when I’m not sleeping well!

(The post A Girl Can Dream first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

How’s It Going?

For seemingly no reason at all, last week literally kicked my arse. Team No Sleep – I was averaging 4 hrs of sleep per night, my Garmin was almost on the fritz with the what-is-wrong-with-you? Weirdly I kept having this recurring dream about a bobcat. I’m clueless. When I finally exhausted the bobcat dreams, it progressed to gummy bears. I give up.

Volleyball – I spent more time on the ground than I did upright and my body bore the marks. Even with knee pads, I tore open my knee from a previous week’s injury sans kneepads. Note to self – purchase better kneepads. My grandmother would be appalled. She had this thing about women having pretty knees. As a teenager, I made a wildly inappropriate joke and she was not pleased! Nonetheless, I think my second career as a knee model is doomed. My body looks and feels like it got run over. There was one point in the game when I fell on the floor and the ball wasn’t even near me. How, Kel?! Obviously in volleyball the object is to stay low but I just … fell. Who needs hips anyway.

Teamwork

By the end of the week, the events really started to ramp up. We hosted a run/walk/remember 5k so, of course, like a good little overachiever, I planned to run it knowing well enough I had blood work following it. Hydration? Psshhhh. So I devised a plan to bribe a friend to be my water girl during the run so I could ensure I stayed hydrated. Conflict of interest? Maybe. More importantly, the blood work part of the day never materialized because it was FASTED blood work and I drank my coffee, ate breakfast, downed electrolytes, and did all the things one should not do before fasted blood work. Alas, I had to reschedule. More to follow.

Finally, I received a B+ on the paper I had stressed and stayed up countless hours writing with literally a miniscule of guidance from the professor. Not pleased. So, I sulked for a day and ate a pint of ice cream (keto, of course).

The next morning – back at it. Indeed, life does go on.

______________________

I ask you –

Have you been having trouble sleeping, too?

Did you forget to fast before blood work?

Tell me how it’s going for you!

(The post How’s It Going first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Good Place – writing and running

My newest class is loosely based on research design and how I better get my life together prior to next year’s dissertation. Not entirely joking. I was quite pleased that my final feedback last course was this “Kelly – you’re an original thinker…”. Translation: you’re full of crap. Pardon me while I focus on that original part.

I went old school

Thus far, I thought this research class was going to be tougher than it is. Famous last words! I never knew there was so much psychological and worldview theory behind research methods. As I’m trying my hardest to incorporate a projected dissertation idea into each course to alleviate how much stress I feel next year, there’s a lot of pressure to get this right but, if I can manage it, then it will pay off. Correction: it’s actually really difficult and I have zero idea what I’m doing.

Speaking of things paying off: somehow I have consistently run a few miles a few times a week for a few months now. Despite the heat that threatens to a) burn up the entire state and b) dehydrate me on a cellular level, I get up early and run when I can. I’m so ready for cooler temperatures yet with everything I have going on I haven’t missed racing. This is a good place to be in.

Despite the weather, the lack of professor involvement, and some very convoluted paper instructions, things are going well. I’m even mostly standing upright!

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I ask you –

What do you know about research designs?

Has the weather begun to change where you live?

“Original thinker” sounded like a compliment, right? Just go with it.

(The post A Good Place – writing and running first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Just Now Noticing

I’ve been hesitant to mention it on here but a comment from someone recently instigated some reflection. Many of my most loyal readers know I’ve been exclusively keto since January. If you’re a loyal reader and missed it somehow, well now you know. There’s been a few instances of falling off the wagon (namely, my birthday and Mother’s Day). For the most part, however, no big tumbles. I won’t lie and say I didn’t want to lose weight, but my primary motivation was to lessen the amount of relentless migraines. I have kept an eye on the scale for posterity yet it was just a tool.

So imagine my surprise when I did the calculation and realized I’d lost nearly 25 lbs. Sure, I noticed the difference in how my clothing fit and I did end up buying a smaller size a few months ago but I really can’t see the weight loss on myself. The biggest bonus is realizing I haven’t had a migraine requiring medication since May. That’s 3 months ago. And it was just a few days after Mother’s Day which is when I ate about 6 Crumbl cookies because I like to celebrate super hard. Genius.

consistently running

Nearly any amount of refined sugar and flour now causes a headache so I avoid it at all costs. Even when I think I want something sweet – and cravings do still happen – I manage with sugar alternatives or coffee, etc. For the weight loss portion, I try not to give it too much power because I know how susceptible I am to a disordered eating mindset. Really, I’m proud of how I’ve managed to continue running and working out – sometimes twice daily – yay laundry.

It almost shocks me the weight I use at the gym: something I thought I’d never work up to and never have before. I genuinely feel strong. Now, it’s nothing compared to others but, thankfully, I’m not like anyone else. I’ve never been able to maintain weight loss while also continuing to work out so this is new territory. It doesn’t hurt that I literally have an entire workout facility, two actually, at my fingertips. Sure, some days get away from me and sometimes I don’t give it my entirety but I’m still there doing it and it’s something to be proud of.

Alas, occasionally I do miss the sweet stuff but it’s just not worth it.

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I ask you –

Have you ever associated an ailment with a food source?

Are you someone who generally notices things quickly or does it take some time?

Tell me something you’re proud of!

(The post Just Now Noticing first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)