Re-Post! Unearthly Expectations

Re-Post from October 30, 2023 – deep in the archives of RoF! I promise to return soon with new, unread material!

As expected, my foots need expert, aka surgical, attention. You know – for all that technology has accomplished, how come there’s only a few options for feet? I did all the others. The surgeon was quite incredulous when I requested to have surgery on both feet simultaneously. But I persevered! Eventually, he came around to my way of thinking but it took some convincing. First, he says it’s dangerous when you can’t walk under your own power. Then, he says the pain may be too much. His final attempt at dissuading me was my mental health. Something about suffering from depression when unable to run.

I counteracted his every argument by saying I will sit at home and be a good patient; I have a high pain tolerance; and it makes more sense to have both feet done to allow me to complete my coursework at one time.

Then, when I visited my muse, her advice wasn’t quite what I wanted to hear but valuable nonetheless. She said, “Kel, you’re still Wonder Woman, but it’s an unearthly expectation to do all the things just because you can.” Granted, her words stopped me in my tracks and made me reconsider my decision. For a time. It’s difficult considering all the unknown variables, including being unable to play in the intramural volleyball league as originally planned. Now, I’ll just coach!

My wingwoman and I

So, all this to say my mind is pretty much made up. I may come to regret it but both feet is the way to go. Despite the circumstances and outliers, I know I can persevere. And I will.

Yet every time you make it through something that doesn’t kill you or land you in jail, there’s this overwhelming feeling of excitement and gratitude. I live for it.

___________________

I ask you –

Any big decisions on the horizon?

Could this be the dumbest decision I’ve made? It very well could be.

Tell me about your superpowers!

(The post Re-Post! Unearthly Expectations first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Defining Moments

I am sure everyone has small, unsuspecting yet defining moments to reference who/why they are the way they are. The title came to me when considering mini’s recent dance recital. Subsequent thoughts traversed from her love of dance and performing arts to my lack thereof. Instead, I thought back to a moment where I stood on a makeshift stage, speech in hand, ready to convince my entire middle school I deserved to be elected into the student council. I recall spending days forming my speech and reading it to my dad. It was good. If I do say so myself.

But after 2 students ahead of me, listening to their brief and not entirely convincing schpill, I second guessed myself. When it was my turn, I said my name, said please elect me, and quickly exited. Talk about disappointment. When my name was not called for the electees, it was no big surprise. But it was at that moment I knew I would not minimize myself again for something I truly wanted.

Hip Hop

Fast forward. A singular moment in time shaped me. Just as you, loyal readers, have similar (or vastly different) experiences, these moments shape, erode, and refine. It’s fascinating how one experience can have lifelong effects. Mini will seemingly always love dance. She’s good at it, and if dancing doesn’t take her where she wants to be, assuredly her sass will.

Credit: IG

_________________

I ask you –

Share a time you didn’t bring your A-game.

(The post Defining Moments first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

I am Batman!

Courtesy of the 82 TRW, I have officially accepted the title as Batman, complete with Thor hammer. Don’t start with me.

Some may know the story of my short stint with parasomnia, a stress-induced condition where the sufferee (me) uses mobile technology while sleeping. Specifically, I text an entire class of people “I am Batman”! Then, I suppose I promptly deleted the text but it was too late because said class shared the messages with me the next day. High stress + delusional ideals = Batman

Anyway, 2024 was a helluva year. 82 TRW Civ Category II, Supervisor of the Year and AETC Civ Category II, Supervisor of the Year. I told leadership I was taking a break in 2025, which I believe I’ve mentioned here before.

Truly a testament to an incredible team of people who support and work alongside me. I can’t do this alone. Kudos to them, they’re the real winners.

(The post I am Batman! Up first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Defiant and Noncompliant

I’ve (mostly) come back to my senses so allow me to share the good things, the fun, the holiday spirit activities before too much of January arrives with all its circumstances.

I connected with like-minded others who have a passion for servant leadership. Some are also self-described adrenaline junkies, which I believe speaks to a world of chaos I’m mildly interested in exploring.

I reconnected with a special person who will probably never read this post, but holds space in my heart. We were both very young when I joined his family, so to see him as an adult, with children of his own, but with the same mischievous smile of years past – a huge smile crosses my own face.

The weight bench and weights represent strength, but more than traditional strength equipment. They are joy, peace, and a fair amount of pain. The past 2 winters I’ve been unable to run on the island like I train year-round to do. It’s disappointing. So I continue to train in other ways…ways that make me feel strong.

Sharing some words spoken to me, in natural muse-like behavior: You may be biased. But you are fair. I can’t think of anything better than to be known as fair, especially when leading others. Maybe I’m doing something right.

Lastly, a lesson in obedience rather than how I’ve been obedient. Some have a certain type of face they must keep under wraps. You know the one. The infamous RBF. Luckily, I don’t have one of those. However, I do have a very prominent laugh. It’s loud. It’s me. If only I could control it. I can’t. It bubbles out of me like a fountain spewing joy at the most inopportune times. The pastor called me his favorite heckler. Probably not a compliment. People stare. Some smile so that makes me feel better. Others look over in alarm. As they should. The legacy I leave won’t be for world peace, or lavish contributions to society, but to the worst timing of a laugh. I guess we’re all remembered for something.

____________

I ask you –

What connections have you made lately?

Any go-to activities when you can’t do what you love?

Tell me your defining trait!

(The post Defiant and Noncompliant first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Anew in 2025

My heart has been hurting for some time now. The holidays had me at war with myself. Every day in November, I did one thing for myself. I went to the coffee shop frequently, I escaped work to go window shopping, I went on long walks, I dated me. In December, I set a goal to work out as much during the week as possible. I created my own workouts to excuse the knee pain, I religiously followed up with doctors to get the X-ray and MRI, I pushed hard for me.

Then, the diagnosis of patellar tendonitis. Doesn’t sound so bad. My first question – can I run? Short answer: not yet. There’s still inflammation, there’s still remedies, there’s still physical therapy. I was happy with a diagnosis and thankful for an intact meniscus, but I still can’t run. I’m still in pain. There’s still swelling. I’m not ready to run, I know, I know. Yet I really wanted to just take off, down the street, carefree, moving my body the way I love to do.

2024: 267 miles

Afterwards, the threat of government shutdown, of furloughing my staff, of making dozens of notifications to people who just want to enjoy their holiday. My thin thread of sanity was fraying. My hard-fought and well-earned beach vacation was beginning to feel like a middle finger to everyone left behind. The one beating heart inside me threatened to collapse.

I should be excited. I should be ready to tackle the new year. My ethics board review will most likely be completed early January. I can begin scheduling, then traveling for my research. I will graduate in 2025.

But, for whatever reason, peace eludes me. The things I’ve tried to fill my time with, to refocus on, to overcome, have not been enough. I’m getting there. This is a hard one. And I think it’s important that others know you’re not alone.

Artist: B. N.

Not to worry. I’m ok. Just need a little more time.

_______________

I ask you –

Any defining word for 2025?

Feel free to share your difficulties with the holidays or regarding life in general. We’re all doing the best we can.

(The post Anew in 2025 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Break Time

As seen in a devotional, “…our human hearts and minds wander.” The premise was how our spaces tell a story of who we are, what we hold dear, and how best to utilize these spaces. As I have a full coffee bar in my office, I think it’s mostly clear.

After a particularly emotional day, a stranger told me I should give the equivalent of Ted talks to other women and mothers regarding some struggles. He believed I could write/share motivational stories, or even newsletters, to amass a following of people who need to hear how it is possible to overcome adversity. I was quite humbled by his words. Adding to my to-do list.

Reciprocate, not initiate. Not to be confused with the term “follower”. Recently, I read an Instagram post saying something to the effect that women step (metaphorically) after men do. In other words, a dance, so to speak, or a courtesy within norms of deferring to another, specifically, deferring to a leader in life, a leader of the home, a leader in the relationship. It was fascinating to consider how some believe the adage if you’re not a leader then you’re a follower. Words matter. Rather than perpetuating the old saying, if we reframe the words, then it more adequately explains the dynamics.

The past several weeks have been nonstop, and I fear I’m on the edge of burnout. Still waiting on ethics board approval so I’ve done little for my dissertation yet work and activities have monopolized my time and brain. I need a break.

____________

I ask you –

What story do your spaces tell of you?

Have the holidays been busy?

Share your thoughts on reciprocation vs initiation.

(The post Break Time first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Will I…

…finish writing my book, the one I started circa 2019? Considering a PhD is a nonfiction work of art, the answer remains to be seen.

…purchase my dream car? Maybe when mini graduates high school or I excel at a second job.

…volunteer to be room mom or the parent who channels their creativity to make school parties successful? Ha. Probably never. But I will be the cleanup crew. I can handle that.

…tune in to the upcoming presidential debates, tour stops, and all the related political rhetoric? You know, I really should. I should want to. But I just can’t stand to listen to either of the candidates speak. And my attention span? Yikes. I will instead concede to perusing non-partisan articles.

…what I thought was the beginning of Wk 3 in the review process is actually Wk 0. There was a miscommunication of email proportions and my manuscript wasn’t submitted yet. Alas, I am not a patient person but I guess this means I have more time for football?

_________________

I ask you –

What’s your dream car?

How long is your attention span?

Wk 0 – waiting for manuscript review. Tick tock, tick tock

(The post Will I… first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Re-post: They Beckon Me

It’s that time again – the one where I recycle a few older posts to support the time I need to recharge along the coastline. Hope you enjoy. I’ll be back soon! -Kel

A small voice calls to me from my sleep. Do you want coffee, Kel? Doesn’t matter that it’s 2am, 5am, mid-afternoon. I always answer yes. Short of labeling it an addiction, coffee is comfort. It’s my siren song.

In a vain attempt at creating coffee shop-worthy drinks, I made my own cold brew. Not half bad. However, the espresso beans were a bit past their shelf life so it turned out somewhat bitter. I still drank it. Then I ordered new beans.

Chicka D’s, of course

Also, I had a small issue with remembering to complete my fasted blood work so I was forced to reschedule which resulted in a nearly lunchtime appointment. Fasted. Starving. Not in a great overall mood. That particular day called for a third caffeinated beverage, mainly as a reward for not harming anyone.

I don’t know how some people do it. How do they survive without these magical beans? I never want to find out.

________________________

I ask you –

How much coffee do you drink per day?

Does the need for coffee ever wake you up?

Tell me about the last time you forgot an important appointment!

(The post They Beckon Me first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Show Up. Then Keep Showing Up.

“Keep Showing Up” is the phrase Des Linden, an American long distance runner, and previous winner of the Boston Marathon uses to share how persistence and literal grind kept her working toward her goals.

Case in point –

While most youth and young adults return to the school routine in the coming weeks, it is not lost on me that this will be my final August in school (committee granting). Although I’m a career-college student, I have future sights set on leadership development opportunities and other federal civil service broadening goals. The support of children and even adult children from their parents is also not lost on me. I remember the summer before I entered college for the first time – my spouse at the time attended a preliminary day of getting paperwork in order, participating in meet-and-greets, getting to know the campus, etc. It was weird how each time the students and parents/spouses/support system groups came back together, I never saw my spouse. After the third interaction, I began to get worried. He never called or tried to find me. 6+ hours later, when the day was finished, I walked out to the parking lot and found him inside the vehicle, casually sitting there. I asked what happened and was everything ok. He stated (paraphrasing) he didn’t want to be there around weirdos with goals in life and he was bored so he left. In my stunned silence, the feeling of being unsupported was overwhelming. I don’t think he ever understood what education and goals meant to me.

Fast forward some years, I enthusiastically helped someone enroll in college for the first time. Maybe I made it seem easy, maybe I talked it up too much, maybe I’m just the “weirdo” but their first semester seemed to go well. The next semester not so much. Toward the middle/end of the semester, I noticed they weren’t talking about their classes or having typical school-centered conversations yet we’d meet at the same places we always did, after our classes ended. Eventually, it was disclosed they hadn’t been attending any classes at all…driving to campus, parking, then never exiting the vehicle. No communication with their professors, or me. Just stopped showing up. Again, in my stunned silence, I was heartbroken. Why wasn’t I told? What would make someone I cared about feel as if they couldn’t tell me college just wasn’t for them? In my heart, I know it created a rift I’ve never been able to fill.

To this day, I have no answers. And that’s ok. But when I see/hear/notice parents supporting those who value education, whether or not they have their own, I’m left feeling comforted. Because they keep showing up.

_________________

I ask you –

Is there a phrase you believe embodies your life philosophy? Mine is “Get it together!”

Do you have young or adult children getting ready to return to school?

Tell me your ideal role in facilitating education for someone in your life.

(The post Show Up. Then Keep Showing Up. first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Bucket o’ Butterflies

Can we talk about how the term catching feelings illicit the weirdest images in my head? For example, I see a man (always a man) running around the yard with a bucket in his hands waiting for butterflies to fall from the sky. What is “catching” feelings? How does one catch them? Isn’t it more of a choice? It’s just biology.

Can we also talk about how distraction disguised as self-care is not really caring for oneself at all? It is self-sabotage though. Distractions don’t make us feel better because we’re not identifying what our body/mind/soul really needs.

Case in point – after a particularly stressful encounter at work, I really wanted to disconnect for a few moments and escape. My go-to was to play on my phone and absentmindedly scroll. Instead (pretty proud of this one) I stopped and asked myself some questions…what are you feeling? what was the most challenging part of it? are you ok? do you feel safe? what do you need right now?

Believe it or not, I actively reflected on the experience and how I was feeling rather than avoiding thinking through it. It helped put into perspective my own thoughts and beliefs about what had just happened. Not once did I think I could have done something better and not once during the remainder of the day did I question my choices. For once, I didn’t let it get the best of me or let it control the day.

The real test is continuing this practice on days I’m more unaware of my stress levels. Challenging myself with questions related to self-care isn’t easy especially when I feel or think things are going well. Why even ask then? Because there’s always a feeling brewing under the surface and I like a good challenge.

Weekly report:

Wk 8: 23 additional pages

I would like to clarify though – 23 pages isn’t very accurate as the manuscript now includes many pages of feedback from last week’s chair review. The font is 9; alas, it does contribute to the high page count addition.

_________________

I ask you –

What term(s) do you use to describe when someone is developing feelings?

What is your go-to distraction method?

Tell me your thoughts on emotional analysis! Perhaps a bit tricky.

(The post Bucket o’ Butterflies first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)