Yes, I know.

I know I wrote the word policy 561 times but it didn’t have to be pointed out so negatively.

I know it’s 335 pages. Oh yes. I KNOW. I’m too wordy. Roger that.

I know I can’t do the research until the research committee gods bless my manuscript with holy hands.

I know I’m a public administration doctoral candidate. Did you know public admin and public policy are irrefutably connected? Exactly.

I know I don’t have all the time to read these books. But it won’t stop me from adding to the ever growing list.

I know it doesn’t seem like much but I managed to chop my paper by 30 pages while keeping the integrity of the literature. Now, we wait. Again.

_____________________

I ask you –

What word do you overuse? soooooooo

How much time do you have to read?

Accepting more book suggestions. Again.

(The post Yes, I know. first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Is This Really What We’re Doing?

Recently I met a woman who told me her jacked, veined arms were genetic. Are you telling me those boobs are genetic, too? Because you’ve had some work done. Never mind the cystic acne that screams steroids. Ok, sure.

Relatedly, I saw a “content creator” filming a new “project” inside an undisclosed gym involving very little clothing and somehow labeled a workout. You weigh 17 lbs. Gtfo

More and more, I crave conversations of substance. I loathe the small talk of (primarily) women who want to discuss weight loss or what size would make them feel valuable. I, too, avoid a man detailing the promise of a new carburetor. I want depth. Not elections, not the ho-hum of daily garbage, but the real, what-do-you-think-about stuff.

point to the Pacific

But, everything is ok. Just ok. My manuscript came back last week with the nice message, “major revisions”. I’m too wordy. Time to synthesize, clarify, and edit. Minimize, if you will. So, as I chop,chop,chop this dissertation to an undetermined length, I question myself and what I’m doing.

_____________________

I ask you –

Do you question, well, everything?

Are your boobs real? Your muscles the epitome of hard work?

Inquiring minds must know – what is the ideal page length? Under 300, I guess.

(The post Is This Really What We’re Doing? first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Memory Lane + Soundtrack

Song #1

Music is impenetrably tied to memories. The weather change, a few notes of a song, and I’m transported back to a simpler time. Nights and weekends were spent escaping the confines of a small town via open windows and slow drives down dusty back roads. Extra points if you managed to get lost. Many life lessons were learned with good friends, some of those lessons without a statute of limitations. Shameless.

20 years post-high school graduation, the memories still live rent free in my head, which today is mostly clouded with busy work and anxiety. Oh, but how I love to go back to those moments in time that made me me.

Photo by Stas Knop on Pexels.com

Admittedly, I had a wild side that I balanced with being top of my class and working hard to support myself. Untouchable. An interesting word which would eventually come back around to describe me in a different career. Although this may sound like bragging, I can assure you it’s not. It probably kept me safe on more than one occasion, even if it didn’t prevent the absolutely worst humans intent on harm. I’m still standing.

Song #2

My dissertation anthem. I believe I intended to write a different post near the end of this journey but I probably won’t remember what I was planning to say then so why not.

Music and memories, that’s where it’s at. Fairly certain I’ve published other posts along the same lines, get it, get it, but my tag skills are rough so it hasn’t been easy to find.

______________

I ask you –

Did you own cassette tapes?

What old song is living in your head?

Tell me about your anthem!

(The post Memory Lane + Soundtrack first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today, I was the voice of reason. Do not recommend. Ever.

Start over.

Dear Diary,

Today, I was forced to be the voice of reason. It was awful. I had no idea what I was doing. But I did it without much noticeable discomfort. And, I’m a better leader for it.

Dear Diary,

Today, I kept myself on pace, no fly-and-die issues at all.

Try again.

Dear Diary,

Everyone was running so fast and I attempted to keep up. It didn’t go well. I was burnt toast at the end of mile 1. I had to take a break. Twice my watch went into critical incident mode and attempted to perform life saving measures by notifying next of kin. Fortunately, I was not dying, so was able to cancel the notification.

Dear Diary,

My doctor is a lying arsehole who doesn’t understand my dietary needs.

Not again.

Dear Diary,

I have conceded to working on my rather high cholesterol levels in order to prevent a medication regimen. Of course I can do better to manage my diet. Instead of super fatty foods, I will make small, significant changes which will benefit my cardiac health.

(end of chapter)

_____________________

I ask you –

Did you ever have a diary? Maybe you do now.

Has your watch ever panicked without cause?

Tell me…you’ve never read someone else’s diary!

(The post Dear Diary first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

I’m a Forgetter

Long live volleyball! I just wish I didn’t hurt myself so easily. Yes, I own knee pads. Several pairs. But did I remember to bring them and put them on? Clearly not.

My kind doctor said I had 6 months to fix my high cholesterol levels. In his defense, he’s given me 3 yrs thus far. The good stuff is getting better but it’s still overall too high for comfort. I blame my parents. In the meantime, I’ve made some easy switches – less fat, more good stuff. Turns out turkey bacon is really good, and I definitely enjoy balsamic vinegar on my salad. More avocado, less fried stuff. We’ll see what happens. I’m always up for an experiment!

Me: I know it’s Saturday morning at 0500, nearing FY end, so let me check my email and really test these new anxiety meds. My brain: Dondnekndicngmeixnwkffiend🤯. Long story short – now I will worry and feel ill the remainder of the day for forgetting for 4 months! to order something I agreed to.

Volunteers, team of 2

Definitely needed a run to clear my head from that disaster. Later in the day, I saw the victim of my forgetfulness and apologized profusely. She didn’t seem to mind much, which was a big change from my anxious brain telling me to escape. Ugh, such a liar.

_________________

I ask you –

Do you enjoy any healthy alternatives to your favorite foods?

What is your go-to activity to clear your head?

Tell me about forgetting something important!

(The post I’m a Forgetter first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

The Waiting

It’s frustrating when I’ve requested an article or document from a particular author who wants to charge for said document. Granted, I understand their time is money and knowledge; however, the sites I use are reputable and notable academia journals so they must understand students are typically the ones searching for materials here. Yet, I fill out a giant form indicating why and how I need access to said article with often little or zero response. Undoubtedly, countless requests just from me for articles sit in a queue somewhere, forever in a holding pattern. It’s not like I have forgotten; instead, I wait and wait and wait without response.

A few nights ago, my chair and I had a brief conversation, with me mainly insisting I’m attempting to be patient in the waiting for committee response and her insisting all is well. As she’s the expert, I defer to her in nearly every way. But if I had known. I could have made a training plan for a half marathon. I could have done something else with my time. But, life is funny like that. Surely, I needed an unstructured break. Surely.

Parts invited her boss – something I could never do

I also attended a comedy show, titled Moms Unhinged. It started at 7pm, practically the middle of the night, but it was fun and the jokes were great! I’ve watched football. Cowboys, wth. I’ve developed a new outline for a different research interest. Yeah, Kel, that’s exactly what you needed. I’ve begun watching a new television series, Brilliant Minds. Fantastic, btw. I’ve sat on my couch with mini, or read trashy novels for hours on end.

But, at the end of the night, I’m still waiting.

_____________________

I ask you –

How long is too long to wait? Does it depend?

Who is your favorite comedian?

Tell me your bedtime.

(The post The Waiting first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

I Have (even more) Questions

Do football players wear underroos? I had a mosquito bite on my butt and nearly caused a scene. I can’t imagine having to dig my underroos out of my ass during a 3 hr football game.

Blue Bell, why do you tempt me so? Chocolate brownie truffle sounds like heaven on earth. How much cholesterol is in it? Does it have good fats?

Finally, I suppose this isn’t a question at all, more of an observation. Let me start with my level of dumbness. It’s high. Possibly off the charts. I sort of (absolutely did) move away from strength training in favor of running. This happens regularly, where I forgo balance and hyper focus on one thing. Totally normal.

The more I ran, the more my body hurt in more places than just my feet. My shoulders, my biceps, my knees. You get the idea. So when I got tired of hurting and switched my focus back to strength training, I wasn’t motivated because I thought I had injured myself doing something else, probably at work.

All this to say it was mostly because I wasn’t strength training that everything was hurting. I’ve been back to regular training for several weeks now and my shoulders, triceps, etc feel a thousand times better, nearly zero pain. I didn’t need a break! I needed to focus on making these areas stronger.

Late to the party, but always on my way there.

_________________

I ask you –

Do they…wear underroos?

How often are you doing one thing, forgetting about another?

Tell me your thoughts on the newest Blue Bell flavor!

(The post I Have ( even more) Questions first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Patience, my child

Mini has an opportunity to try out for UIL events and my little heart exploded with pride and memories. Except for chess, I excelled at these events. Storytelling was my breakthrough – shocking, most definitely – into a world of possibilities for competitive scholastic events.

Many years ago I made a keto carrot cheesecake that was sublime. Really. It was incredible. I haven’t baked in a lonnnnnng while and now I have some free time. You know. While I wait. Anyway, I wanted to bring a family dessert to game night, to impress my friends. And that’s where it ended. The photo below doesn’t look too horrible. But the taste? Let’s just say something went awfully wrong with the carrot cake layer on bottom. It was gloopy, gross, and inedible. The cheesecake layer wasn’t bad, had it not been on top of the carrot disaster. Needless to say, I did not take it anywhere except to the garbage can.

As my brain functions in some sort of random, non-linear, jumbled mess, I can appreciate life’s linearity. One would think dissertation work is linear. Oh, but you (I) would be so wrong. I do the things, then wait. I do other things, then wait. My frustrations are apparent as I check and double check my email waiting for a notification of scheduled defense proposal. I complete the IRB documents, then wait. Turns out IRB approval can take up to 2 months. Although I despise speaking this fear into existence, I’m not sure if I’ll begin the research portion this fall. No approvals = no research. I will have spent nearly the entirety of a very expensive semester awaiting approval. Sigh.

Patience is not my strongest virtue.

_________________

I ask you –

What events did you participate in as a young person?

On a scale of 1 to me, how much patience do you have?

Tell me your worst cooking fail!

(The post Patience, my child first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Will I…

…finish writing my book, the one I started circa 2019? Considering a PhD is a nonfiction work of art, the answer remains to be seen.

…purchase my dream car? Maybe when mini graduates high school or I excel at a second job.

…volunteer to be room mom or the parent who channels their creativity to make school parties successful? Ha. Probably never. But I will be the cleanup crew. I can handle that.

…tune in to the upcoming presidential debates, tour stops, and all the related political rhetoric? You know, I really should. I should want to. But I just can’t stand to listen to either of the candidates speak. And my attention span? Yikes. I will instead concede to perusing non-partisan articles.

…what I thought was the beginning of Wk 3 in the review process is actually Wk 0. There was a miscommunication of email proportions and my manuscript wasn’t submitted yet. Alas, I am not a patient person but I guess this means I have more time for football?

_________________

I ask you –

What’s your dream car?

How long is your attention span?

Wk 0 – waiting for manuscript review. Tick tock, tick tock

(The post Will I… first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

A Tough One to Write

Last week’s September 11th memorials had me considering how it’s hard to believe 23 years have gone by. For the families and loved ones of those lost on that date, 23 years probably feels like yesterday. For mini, who honors the date with school functions, doesn’t have a memory of this event and most likely doesn’t understand the way the world changed that day – it can be difficult to grasp the significance, which got me thinking about the events our young people will remember as they age. For example, a string of recent school shootings. Although I rarely, if ever, speak of political things on RoF, it saddens me these are the memories and perhaps fears of our youth. Someone, somewhere, is remembering today (whatever day you read this) as the day they were rushed out of a school in the wake of some tragic circumstance. Someone, somewhere, is grieving their loved one who lost their life in a place they should have been the safest.

I don’t have the answer. I don’t proclaim to know what we should do to prevent senseless acts of violence. I do know firearm ownership is protected by the Constitution/Amendments. I also know many individuals do not have the mental or physical capability or capacity to competently exhibit those rights. And I absolutely do not wish to debate any of these points.

However, it’s a shame our society is punctuated with tragic, life-taking acts. It’s devastating. We should do better. We should want to do better, especially for our children.

So, today, hug your children, whatever age they are. Call them just to hear their voice. Never has anyone said “I wish I hadn’t held them”.

_________________

I ask you –

No questions today.

(The post A Tough One to Write first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)