Research

A few questions: How to be informed? What does that mean to people?

Another question: Where do people get their news?

Thoughts: Terms like gaslighting and narcissism are incredibly overused. I don’t think people even know what these mean anymore (or at all). How are we a society of wannabe psychologists?

Reflection on the past course: the way the discussion board posts go makes me question humanity. Careless mistakes, incorrect references, ridiculous replies…these are the people who run organizations? Who will be called Dr? Help us. They can’t write a full sentence. Someone used my full name to address me in such a way I’m fairly certain my great great grandmother wrote it. It’s a discussion, not a formal letter!

Women who grow up with tumultuous relationships with their mothers develop into one of two types of adult women: 1) those that seek other women who mother them or 2) those that become the mothers to other women. I navigated this relationship with my best friend, never really understanding why it was like that. We both had/have difficult maternal relationships so we weren’t able to grow in our relationship together until we each became a mother. Now, we analyze it in many of our individual friendships. Thus far, it holds true.

I read an article about redeeming your dreams and how they never end until you give up on them. This next course had me questioning my dreams, if only for a brief moment. So I cried for a minute and picked myself back up with the help of my most encouraging people. Giving up on my dream is not an option. But sometimes doubt creeps in, tells you it’s too hard, and makes you question your abilities. And that’s ok, for a second. I’m only human. I just keep telling myself the finish line isn’t that far away and hundreds of other people have managed to make it to this stage – so who am I to doubt myself.

My dissertation is only a small portion of the things I’d like to study, even though I swore I was 1 and done on the massive scale of writing anything. But there’s so much more to find out! Back to the research…

P.S. today is Spare Part’s birthday. She’s getting old.

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I ask you –

When was the last time you went to a book fair?

Are you in the “I must mother everyone!” or “Where is my mother?” stage?

Share something you’re interested in researching or would like to know the answer to.

(The post Research first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

I Should Have Known

…when watching any show with mini, she narrates, talks over, answers, and yells incessantly at the television in a loud, expert know-it-all voice. It’s maddening. And I cannot focus on her voice and the television because too many sounds make me anxious. My only thought is I should have known.

a brief quiet moment

addicted to Axolotls

…it’s lonely at the top. Being the go-to, advocating for others, and making judgment calls requires a strong heart. So when others encourage me to take time off, to recharge, to get away from the office, it means I should heed their words. And the relief I get from the escape is a reminder I should have known.

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I ask you –

Is it even true that there’s things we should know before encountering them?

How often do you take time off?

Tell me your favorite way to relax!

(The post I Should Have Known first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Tired

The problem with “powering through” this final traditional course is that you (ahem, I) have failed to see the toll it’s taken on me. Like a slow burn, one may not notice the wick is gone until the candle goes out. When I’m taking it week by week, once I submit a paper, then I take a day of rest. With the power on always, it can be hard to see the light beginning to flicker. Until it goes dark. In taking strides to maximize my break before beginning the next course, to have 14 days off instead of 7, I just keep plowing ahead. And there are consequences for it.

Like the constant exhaustion. And the lack of restful sleep. Much like overtraining, it plagues me until I back off. And when I finally get a chance for uninterrupted sleep, it doesn’t feel like enough. My brain forgets to process the message that it needs to rest. Go to sleep, dammit! Hopefully by the time of this post, I’ll have realized it’s just a phase and sleep will have returned to a normal pattern. Or else I’ll have stayed up way too late to watch the Super Bowl. Priorities.

So instead of complaining, or continuing to complain, here’s a recent photo of mini with her ice cream cone. She gets it. Life is too short. Eat ice cream.

________________

I ask you –

Have you been struggling with sleep?

Do you tend to power through?

Favorite ice cream brand! Braums.

(The post Tired first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Mama + Mini

Nov 2023

Found these matching shirts at a yearly tradition, Hangar Holiday. Many years ago it was actually held inside a hangar but it outgrew the hangar and it was difficult to coordinate community access. Now, roughly 30,000 people congregate inside an event center and shuffle their way around 250+ booths. Oh the anxiety.

Circa May 2018

Anyway, someone recently mentioned that a blog is like a digital diary. I believe the point of the mention was to keep close your precious memories and not feel the need to share everything; however, that notion directly contradicts the entirety of a blog so here we are. Although I don’t share everything on here, I try to put the important things on paper for posterity purposes only. Righhhht. Mini still holds my hand, still says I love you at the most random times, and still shares the important goings-on in her life and I still soak them all up, even at times of complete frustration because I know these are the memories I will hold tightly to when she embarks on her own away-from-home adventures and when she no longer wants to wear matching shirts.

But that’s not today so I’ll keep sharing!

__________________

I ask you –

Have you ever had matching shirts with a friend or child?

Do you own a diary? As a child, I did.

Tell me your thoughts on writing for posterity!

(The post Mama + Mini first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Re-Post: I’m Not That Mom

I’m a little overwhelmed from my return from beautiful Baltimore so please enjoy this repost until I have something new to share. Don’t be mistake – I have TONS of new material, I just don’t have a moment to put it in words just yet because I’m busy writing a paper that spans from 15-47 pages and includes tables with absolutely no direction, headings, or context. I promise to return to my regular funny self in approximately 7 calendar days. -Kel

…that creates elaborate birthday parties

…that can do more than two basic hairstyles

…that allows sleepovers outside of immediate family

…that has much patience with simple directions

…who is more focused on grades than kindness

…that believes in yelling or spanking

But I am that mom who –

…wakes up worrying

…over plans a weekend then accomplishes one thing

…enjoys watching my baby sleep beside me because I have no boundaries

…insists on the application of sunscreen

…prefers clothes to match

…can be overcome with laughter and forget to be mad

…asks for kisses and hugs

A polarizing topic, at best, is the way I was raised and the relationship, or lack thereof, I have with my own mother. As a parent, I know she was probably doing the best she could. But it has impacted our ability to relate and connect. As much as I love mini, I don’t believe we were ever designed to be best friends, as some parents refer to their children. I think the idea of being friends with your children is dangerous and potentially damaging due to expectations that will never be met. I’m her mom and that’s a big enough task, in my opinion. Friendships should be what she cultivates on her own, according to her own terms, and in different seasons in life. I want her to always be able to come to me with anything, yet not as a friend but as a woman who gives advice, hugs, and proper discipline.

The mom life is tough. I’m certainly not discounting dad life, grandparent life, parenting in general. Mini is never far from my mind – it’s hard raising a decent human being while attempting to set a good example because that attempt is often thwarted.

Especially when it comes to sleeping in her own bed.

________________

I ask you –

Are you a gentle parent or a structured one?

What type of childhood did you have?

Take a guess: what are the odds she’ll sleep in her own bed now that she’s seven? 1 in 7.

(The post I’m Not That Mom first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Day or Week or Maybe Month in Photos

Warning: language.

The 2nd time this has happened in as many months. I really need people to learn to park!

My wingwoman bought this for me in Copenhagen, Denmark. She said it instantly reminded her of me. She’s not wrong.

They gave me a paddle, of which I threatened to use on anyone within arm’s length! Seriously, though, it’s nice to be recognized.

Mini did some pumpkin patch things with her classmates. She even brought home a pumpkin! Now to convince her to carve it so I can have roasted pumpkin seeds.

_________________

I ask you –

Is there a particular phrase that resonates with your personality?

Do you like roasted pumpkin seeds?

Tell me what you have going on this month!

(The post Day or Week or Maybe Month in Photos first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Out & Abouts

The truly funny part about the title of this post is that it’s significant in the military realm to indicate ensuring the base populace is not out doing nefarious things during the witching hours, aka being kids as kids will be. For me, it just means a week or so of constant activities.

Starting with Oktoberfest in Muenster! Mini had the time of her life with the help of a very popular aunt duo. I received about an hour of uninterrupted time to myself to peruse the wares and engage in a rather inappropriate but oh so funny conversation with a pre-mental health/post-correctional facility turned earring designer vendor. I saw his uterus and his boo-bies. Don’t ask.

It’s finally feeling fall-ish in North Texas so every chance to run is on my list. Thus far, I make it out about 3-4 days/wk. Heaven on earth. The 40s are encroaching – I can’t wait!

Finally, I stayed up late one night to facilitate the usage of my facility for something called Midnight Madness which really just looked more like a lot of amateur basketball players going hard for a few mins, then walking a lot. The real problem stemmed from my decision to accommodate this event while also conveniently forgetting I had another event the next day and would be suffering from a severe lack of sleep. This is how I take breaks! Which turned into an even longer night than anticipated when ego overtook common sense and involved the use of uniformed officers. Exactly what I needed at 1am.

With the addition of my wingwoman, we made it through a very long week. And witnessed the eclipse!

Wingwoman!

Indeed, the Women’s Conference was a welcomed reprieve from the movement of real life. I had an incredible day with incredible women of faith and love; and I got to spend quality time with my sweet niece who I’m still struggling to understand is now an adult. Love is watching the people you adore grow up and into themselves.

Rise Up!

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I ask you –

Have you partaken in an Oktoberfest?

Did you see the eclipse?

Tell me about your week!

(The post Out & Abouts first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Moving Along

“You’ve come a long way from that lonely girl who would walk the third floor hallway by herself.” – a third floor resident. Why, thank you, kind sir. I believe you are correct!

Photo credit: Sheppard AFB

Each year, I’m humbled to run the POW/MIA 5k and share the stories of my grandfather. He truly was the kindest, most gentle man with a larger-than-life smile. The only smiles I think are more adorable than his are his sister’s (my beautiful great Aunt Mary Catherine) and my little mini. It’s difficult to run solemnly because his memory makes me laugh so if I was offensive to anyone on the track who was quietly remembering their loved ones or the many strangers who never returned home, I hope they know I meant no harm.

We had an impromptu car photo shoot after getting coffee together. It’s rare I’m the one to take her to school but it makes us both happy when I can. The dirtiest glasses she owns. I couldn’t see a thing beyond the smudges!

At the time of this post, I’ll be mere days away from completion of another 8 week course and ready to embark on the next. But not before a well-deserved 7 day break. There are no words.

_________________________________

I ask you –

Are you involved in an annual POW/MIA remembrance tradition?

If you wear glasses, how often do you clean them?

Insults designed as compliments. Big fan!

(The post Moving Along first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Twilight Zone

All I know is if I don’t take a break soon, I won’t be able to juggle the plates any longer. There have been a few weeks of such confusion and utterly mind-blowing emotional stress that I’m honestly not sure how I made it through. It’s not even me! For nearly an entire week, there was a parade of people into my office who were really going through it. Boxes of tissues and phone calls to check up on them and just the overwhelming compassion fatigue it brings with it had me questioning my own sanity. Honestly, I felt numb, as if it wasn’t really happening. Because, of course, at the same time I was dealing with my own skyrocketing stress levels due to insane assignments, incredibly early mornings and late nights, the same fasted bloodwork two weeks in a row, and trying to balance my own physical needs. It was a lot.

Somewhere in here I need to get feet x-rays (update: those are done, will post more later), solidify the decision regarding a ball gown, and make a baby basket. Which I actually forgot about until…now. In other news, I’ve taken a few personality tests recently and can decidedly share that I’m a well adjusted, anal retentive Gold/Green (Four Lenses), with perfectionistic Type 1 (Enneagram) traits. So basically my insane drive for list making and efficiency suits me to a T. T is for try me. I can’t be mad. It’s just who I am and I’ve learned to embrace it.

My muse told me this fantastic one liner: everyone wants to be a General until it’s time to do General shit. Isn’t that the truth. Similar to current conversations: everyone wants to be an alpha until it’s time to be the alpha. Who am I to judge on whether or not they can or can’t actually be the alpha but I’m not seeing it.

(there should be a fun, lighthearted, catchy photo right here but I didn’t have anything)

P.S. the pity parade continued for more days past the time of this writing. My carpet was practically wet.

___________________________

I ask you –

Have you ever taken a personality test? Care to share your results?

How often do you clean your carpet?

Tell me your favorite saying!

(The post Twilight Zone first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

This May Not Be For Everyone

Disclaimer: this post may not be for everyone but, as I’m uber inclusive, read at your own peril.

It amazes me every single month how far removed I am from understanding my body. I get the basics, the ins and outs, the birds and the bees, all that. But somehow after having a monthly cycle for nearly 3 decades – 3 whole decades! – I still can’t get it right. I either “forget” it’s almost that time and am entirely unprepared OR I suddenly can’t calculate how often I’ll need to go to the restroom. And, my personal favorite, is when my body does this stupid switcharoo crap, like oh you should probably change your tampon around the hour 4 mark, then the next time it should have been hour 1 and I had zero warning. So there I am – bleeding out in the bathroom, trying not to pass out, frantically using every last brain cell to navigate how to make it to the shower or a change of clothes or bed…just so we can do this again in a few hours. This is really so much fun.

Let’s not forget how truly exciting it is to pee on your tampon string because they make that thing so short. Then it’s gross and wet and your clothes are wet and I’m just angry by this point. Additionally, have a micro dose of labor-like cramps. Because a week per month couldn’t be complete without those. The best part about the whole ordeal is no matter how many weeks between cycles, somehow blessedly I forget how terrible it is until the next one creeps up on me. Supplies!

Anyone remember when mini described tampons as running sticks? What about when, without warning, she tried to pull my tampon string out of me, then giggled like the 2 yr old she was? I do remember these events well. Now, I just keep telling her we’ll talk soon, avoiding a conversation I can only imagine will go something like this…”You mean, like every month? WHY?”

I sure hope other women out there are doing it right, never forgetting, enjoying pain-free periods, with dry tampons and a clockwork cycle. But, if not, you’ve come to the right place. Because I suck at being female. And lucky for all of you I have the ability to write about the trials of a monthly period on my famously infamous public platform.

_____________________

I ask you –

No catchy questions this time unless you have something enlightening to add here.

(The post This May Not Be For Everyone first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)