What I Really Miss!

Lies of Motherhood and other things they said I would enjoy but do not:

You’ll miss: getting kicked in the back or spleen or forehead whilst co-sleeping
You’ll miss: spending hundreds of dollars to dress them each season
You’ll miss: the level of exhaustion that comes from any sentence beginning with “Help Me”
You’ll miss: being bitten during breastfeeding
You’ll miss: throwing snacks at them like wild animals poised to attack
You’ll miss: a snarky ‘Why?!’ when asking them to do anything (including the things they WANT to do)

Truth be told, there’s people even funnier than me. And I don’t say that lightly. Here’s where I’d like to share I’m a tough crowd, that it takes a lot to make me laugh. But that’s a big lie! I laugh at everything: you, me, the dream I had last week where I literally woke myself up laughing loudly. Let’s not forget I’m still laughing about what made me laugh at my dad’s funeral nearly 25 years ago. I just now nearly made a joke that started with “we’ve got a live one” but I see I’m talking about a funeral so live one jokes might be a bit much.

Considering starting a spin-off of Running on Fumes titled “I Met All My Husbands in the Police Report”. Perhaps it won’t be received well, but I’m overflowing with great ideas! Also, did you know there is a limit to how many espresso shots Starbucks will give you before they cut you off?! Me neither! And it’s 12. Now you know.

I leave you with this: A woman was asked ‘What is the best thing about being 104 years old?’ She replied: ‘No peer-pressure.’

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I ask you –

What on my list reasonates with you?

Do you think my spin-off title will endear me to anyone?

Share your best joke!

Day in Photos, pt 921

“Day in Photos” started when I realized there were a lot of photos in my phone that maybe didn’t fit whatever topic I was writing about during the day/week. Now look at it. Just look at it! It’s become a successful way to share a whole bunch of photos, very few words, and still count as a blog post!

Let’s begin –

brand

I’m madly in love with my logo and what my sister gifted me with on our birthday: branded apparel. I truly enjoy advertising for other small, local, women-owned, military-owned, etc brands – and will continue to do so – but I also need to share my own!

oh the drama

No matter how many times I say ‘the foam roller is not a toy’ it never fails to become a group activity. Not really a group type of girl. Solo foam rolling is much appreciated. Unbeknownst to me, some people have no clue what a foam roller is or what it does. All I can say is it hurts so good!

sister, sister

Leaving you with this photo of my twin. It’s been nice catching up lately. Never a dull moment when she’s around!

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I ask you –

How often are you shocked at the number of phone photos you have amassed?

Are there items in your home with the designation “not a toy'”?

Tell me your sibling(s) name(s)!

Daughter Date!

Trampoline places are the equivalent of a relatively inexpensive way to discover you have a weak pelvic floor. Also, supportive sports bras should be required. Some women will regret their choices tomorrow.

Having a “date” with my (only) child somehow always ends with ice cream. And by ends I mean ice cream is the whole point of the date! There are few rules on girl’s date night/day so ice cream could be at 9am or 9pm. I make the rules around here. Braums is our regular hangout, but Dairy Queen will do in a pinch. We didn’t have Braums on the east coast so I’m making up for lost time. According to my internal ice cream tracker, I’m behind approximately 6.76 years.

Speaking of daughter dates, it would be sad not to include my childhood best friend in this post! Morgan and I grew up together. She remembers my Dad, that’s how far back our friendship goes. If you’ll recall, she and I ran the 2018 Rock n’ Roll New Orleans Half Marathon, as well as this past December’s Stars at Night Half Marathon in San Antonio. Morgan has a huge heart and I’m so thankful for her friendship! Her love of Mexican food is my next favorite thing. Bonus: her birthday is 2 days after mine. I’m sure our parents were just overjoyed when we ingeniously thought of joint birthday parties.

You’d think after nearly a year of part time teleworking we could get this figured out. You’d think, but… My work from home days are still a confusing piece of the week mixed with a little frustration, lots of annoyed looks, and sometimes some tears. Lucky guess on what belongs to whom. I’m eternally grateful to games, letter boards, badminton, and whatever the above photo shows of this shaker glue thingy. It makes it to where I can get approximately 3 minutes of work done before moving on to the next thing or playing maid.

I’ve heard it said going to work is hard. I disagree. Staying home is harder. And somehow louder. Yet the 3 mins to do some work before interruption is still the same. Imagine that.

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I ask you –

Do you have regular dates with your child(ren)? How often does it include ice cream?

Did you and your childhood best friend bond over a close birthdate?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day shenanigans!

Wanna…Go for a Bike Ride?

Cross training? What’s that? Admittedly, I know I should be cross training during a training cycle, but usually what happens is I get so focused on running, it’s all I want/make time to do. Terrible, Coach.

This time, I’m following my own tried-and-true advice! Instead of walking or, my personal favorite, more running – introducing cycling! Let me tell you my quads were sufficiently sore after only 15 mins of cycling. The glute pain lasted much longer. Seems cycling mimics downhill running very well which will be super helpful at May’s Texas Triple because there’s a short section on each lap that kills my quads! If you allow it to happen, turnover on the downhill portion will have you running a 5 min/mile. Athletes who regularly do this are mind blowing. P.S. the number mentioned isn’t a guess, I personally saw my watch register this pace as I was flying down the hill. Exhilarating and a little scary! Stopping? Impossible!

As usual, I digress. Regular cycling should be helpful this time around. Worst case scenario: I develop overly muscular quads and thighs then run like a wiener dog. Unlikely. These bird legs of mine have required much of me to embrace.

In terms of cycling, guess who has almost successfully taught her mini to ride a bicycle sans training wheels?! It’s me!!! Pretty sure the very core of my patience has been tested, as well as every muscle in my lower back from leaning over her, but, HEY!, she’s almost there! Who needs to stand upright anyway?! She’s making great strides, no pun intended. Relatedly, I heard a story of a young lady turning 6 years old a few weeks ago and she thought upon her 6th birthday, she would somehow inherently know how to ride a bicycle then. Like – POOF! She also thought she’d be much bigger at that point, too, so here we are.

My birthday is this weekend. Lucky 13. I’m not sure what I ever envisioned mid-30’s looking like, but I hope I wake up that morning with the ability to whistle loudly! POOF!

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I ask you –

Will cycling give me Dachshund-style legs?

How old were you when you learned to ride a bicycle? I was probably 4-5 yrs old. My siblings told me to sit on a “big bike” then proceeded to push me down the front walkway. It was sink or swim time and I was full speed ahead from then on!

Tell me your lucky number!

The Talk / History Lesson

In current world news, on today’s newest episode of “I’m seriously not qualified for this job!”, I’ve been tasked with talking to a teenage girl about how underage drinking and smoking are very serious and should not be taken lightly. Great, just great. Not qualified, under qualified, whatever you want to say. This was not included in the parenthood guide! Well, maybe it was, but the kind doctors and nurses simply forgot to give me mine when they gave me all the other paperwork to complete post-birth. I was robbed!

I’m not cut out for the enormous responsibility of these oh-so-important life talks. I genuinely don’t know what to say. But then I think back to working with children from unimaginable hardship. In a leadership position, I climbed my way up; somehow I did it then. Younger, more confident perhaps? Now I just sit here cringing, thinking WHY ME?! Again, I’m not qualified. No joke, Kel. My mother told us the story of her father finding out she smoked. She said her father made her smoke an entire cigar (his poison of choice) as punishment/lesson learning/complete craziness if you ask me. She said it was awful. Plot twist: it didn’t make her quit smoking though. She just learned she didn’t like the taste of cigars. Seriously not helpful, Mom. I can, with complete honesty, say I have never smoked anything. Not once. The smell of cigarettes gives me the feeling of all the oxygen being pulled from my lungs. Can’t make this up. I literally feel like I can’t breathe. And I can smell cigarette smoke from other cars if sitting in traffic. Weird, I know. Smoking may be the grossest habit anyone can have. But it is a habit and I know too many who have struggled to quit because it’s truly an addiction. As for drinking? Let’s just say – when I think back to what I used to do, I’m lucky to be alive; we’ll leave it at that.

The advice given to me was to talk about the safety aspects: cancer, juvenile record, even death. Sounds harmless, no pun intended. I feel like if I cap it off with a sentence sounding like ‘I was once your age and I did the same things, blah blah blah’ then it’s a well rounded conversation. Yet somehow this feels like a giant cop out – back to the unqualified statement. On the subject again of my misplaced parenthood book, it probably states do not include stories of your own teenage misadventures. But I imagine it doesn’t give you other available options either. Those of you in possession of this elusive book, feel free to chime in, please.

There’s no winning here, is there? I suppose we just do what’s best in the moment, hope it turns out alright, and pray our children don’t end up in a mess only a miracle can fix. But there is a little voice inside me screaming ‘I’ll be damned if my child behaves this way!!’. She probably will. Face it now, Kel. My time is coming.

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I ask you –

Did you get a book?! If you did, can I borrow it?

Any weird adverse reactions to another’s addictive habits?

Tell me what I should say! P.S. this isn’t my child I’m talking to. She’s 4. Let’s not rush things.

On Your Left

I’m about 24 hours out from starting a new training cycle. What I mean is…forgive me for not returning your calls, texts, plans, and anything else that doesn’t include running or eating. I was speaking to a co-worker several minutes (could’ve been weeks, it all runs together; runs, get it?!) about her Spring race plans and she mentioned she still had “unfinished business” with a marathon goal. (To be clear, this woman is an ultra runner, 2000+ day streaker, and super speedy marathon finisher. We’re not even close to being in the same category!) But she’s fun to talk to and very encouraging so she gets a free pass. As I shared my triple half marathon goal, her sounds of incredulousness made me laugh. Here’s this woman who runs high double digits regularly yet thinks my 13.1 for 3 days is insane. Just means we’re all a little different. And equally crazy. Next time I’m going to tell her my life goal of completing a Ragnar. Look it up. It’s awesome!

There’s no getting around it. I have a shoe addiction. Running shoes specifically. There’s something about the sleek, cushioned, makes-me-feel-like-I’m-running-fast beauty of new shoes. I’m currently rotating 4 pairs. Excessive? I don’t know. Like I’ve said for years: you can’t do enough to take care of your feet. They’re all you get! No replacements available. But, if it came down to it, and I couldn’t speak for myself, YES! I want a foot transplant! Please remember this! You can take my voice; you will never take my feet! I may not be able to berate you with my tongue, but I want one last opportunity to run you down and kick you. Enough of that.

Thursday nights’ Freedom small group is going well. These are the most courageous, strong, and honest women I could ever know. How I got so lucky to lead this group is beyond me. Many times in my life I fretted about being able to be open with other people, especially women. Nothing against women, but being one myself, I know how ugly we can act. Freedom in Christ, amongst other believers, was never a part of my plan and for this I’m thankful because without Him I wouldn’t have made it this far. Life sure is funny like that. I miss my 6am group, but Thursday nights are special in their own way.

Lastly, the title of this post is the most common phrase used by every runner. A close second: where’s the bathroom? I’m not entirely sure this is true, but it’s true for me! I try to smile and wave, clear my throat unnecessarily within earshot, and do all the other things to let people know I’m about to pass them, but obliviousness tends to rub me the wrong way. So if you see me at the lake or in my neighborhood or on base running and I look grumpy, it just means I’ve said “On Your Left” one too many times.

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I ask you –

Last call: anyone willing to train with me for the Texas Triple scheduled for Memorial Day weekend?

Is kicking people as I pass them allowed?

My shoe collection reminds me of the cutest video I have of my mini, age 18 months, walking around the house yelling for her shoes to appear and she looks at the ceiling as a viable option.

Day in Photos, pt 204

More like “Week in Photos…” because I realized the amount of photos in my phone spans more than just a day. Let’s get started!

One person in serious condition, nine others taken to hospital after nursing home fire in Iowa Park

I’m no adrenaline junkie, but when in the right place at a terrible time, you throw on your coat, grab gloves and snow boots, and run a block to help remove nursing home residents from a burning building. It’s like bronchitis but with more coughing. Thankfully everyone is okay. I’m so blessed to have been able to help and speak with the kindest people. Ms. Joyce may never read this; however, she was inspirational in her strength and testimony of God’s power to save. Apologies on my terrible wheelchair driving abilities. She was very forgiving.

Super sledding! All the years of minimal snow really paid off. Could’ve left off the below freezing temperatures though. That vacation home at the ocean wouldn’t even have saved me this time. We got a lot of laughs moving to Texas with 3 snow boards. haHA! Who’s laughing now?!

But there have been many gems of awesomeness to exit the mouth of my baby. At day 2 of no internet connectivity, she exclaimed in true dramatic fashion “Total darkness!” I make her walk uphill, barefoot, in the snow, too.

She also enjoys speaking into the 1-way handheld scanner as if the police department can hear her. If anyone is searching for her channel, she can be reached at her handle, “Kaylee Donut Lord”. I kid you not.

When I shared with mini that her dad was sick, went to get medication for himself, and ended up with a cracked windshield, she said “Why didn’t he call JG Wentworth?” so they could “give him money!” She has all the life advice you could ever need.

Lastly, it took a few too many days for us to realize the noises originating outside were not from birds hitting the windows but instead from an explosion of soda cans. Apparently the mini fridge was not insulated. This must be how the local 7-11 makes slushies. Now you know.

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I ask you –

Is your phone overcrowded with dozens of random photos?

Need some life advice from a 4-year-old?

Happy to be back in the 50°/60° temperatures this week. Hallelujah, we made it!

When the Sun Goes Down –

It was the end of a long, tough day. From discussion earlier, I had stated I was going home to eat cookie dough with the intention of it making me feel better, to heal my sad heart. The other person said they were going to drink beer. To each his own. As I scooped out bites of cookie dough – sugar free – the tears came. The grief that was building poured from me. My final thought? Great. Now I’m still sad, even full of cookie dough.

Which reminds me of when I was pregnant with my mini. One night I sat on the couch eating my favorite chocolate chip cookies. And I began to cry. Then I cried more, without any reason at all because hormones are hell, and my thought was this: Who cries while eating cookies?! Only a pregnant woman.

Before I forget, prior to the cookie-dough-and-crying fest, I developed what I now know as “amazonesia”. It’s a thing. Minus the part about Amazon and the part about amnesia, I went grief shopping. Add to cart…oh look, it’s pink, add to cart. Retail therapy is the other moniker.

And, if you’re reading this, then I have survived the run streak. Hmmmm. There is a schedule button, so perhaps not. They say it takes roughly 21 days to develop a habit. At day 25, the constant daily running began to become painful. But since the habit was there and the finish line so close I continued to run despite some questionable MCL/ACL bruising. If you recall, I took several weeks off when training for a December half marathon so hopefully there isn’t a pattern emerging. (Full disclaimer: I wrote the above lines prior to completing the run streak because I full well intended to complete it. Alas, my body had other plans and Day 27 was officially my final day of streaking. Huge thanks to the poisoning o’food I received. Too bad it wasn’t February already because then I would have only been short a day. Life goes on.) And if anything good was to come of hours upon hours of living inside my bathroom, I did write an incredibly funny blog post; stand by.

One month to recuperate then it’s time to begin training again. Unless I’ve already decided to start running again by the time you read this. That’s always possible, too.

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I ask you –

What are your grieving habits?

Have you heard of Amazonesia?

Share a time something good came of something horrible.

Collection of Phone Photos

Interestingly enough, my mini now prefaces all the photos she takes with a huge, dramatic sigh and the words “Are you going to put this on the blog?” Ummmm yeah, of course I am.

And if you ever wondered – fairly sure you haven’t because WHY would you – if PMS had a truly physical characteristic, like something you could really see on the outside, it’s this. I was craving pizza so bad, I had my husband drive me to the grocery store. In my pajamas! In my robe and slippers, if it’s not clear enough. This. This is what I’ve come to.

Lastly, I was eating pizza for breakfast one morning. Could have probably omitted that admission from this story. Suddenly a memory came back of mini putting a too hot piece of pizza in her mouth. Instead of spitting the piece out or doing any of the easiest options, she requests I blow into her mouth. I’d like to say I didn’t, I’d like to tell you all I laughed at this ridiculousness, I’d like to say lots of things here besides what actually happened. I blew air into her mouth. Because I have zero sense and would do literally anything to ensure she doesn’t needlessly suffer.

True, unfailing love is mostly without boundaries. All this work for naught.

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I ask you –

Do you keep a stool in your kitchen?

Have you ever wondered what PMS looks like? Wonder no more!

Share a crazy story of love for your child(ren)!

Re-Introduction + Updates

Run streaking is going very well. I’m only a little surprised. What is very apparent to me is the amount of excuses I can make to not complete some of the prescribed runs during a training cycle. Yet I’ve managed to run every. single. day for this goal. Sometimes it’s only a mile, sometimes it’s three; but I do it. Granted the mileage isn’t high – no long runs, for sure. This is a proverbial marathon, not a sprint. Only maybe yesterday did I even consider I might want to continue the run streak through February. What else do you have to do?

If you’re new to the blog, we have a bit of a co-parenting style with my sweet mini me. Every other month she takes off to Tennessee to live with her dad. The amount of ‘missing’ her I feel has no words; however, we do what’s best for her and she’s had this type of life since she was born. Is there an award for most traveled under the age of 5? When she’s off on another month long adventure, my schedule looks like this: get the whole bed to myself (almost), cram literally everything I can into one month to make the time pass by quickly, and plan all the things I want to do with her for when she returns next month. Never said I was exciting.

HI! My name is Kelly and I can’t focus. Only when required. There tends to be many moving parts in my life; I wouldn’t have it any other way. Where’s the fun in one iron in the fire (or however it goes)? Fires may not last long so pile on the irons, is my motto. Never before have I said that so just work with me here. Please remember many of my blog posts, ahem, all of them, are typically written weeks in advance so you may be reading this up to a month after. This protects mine and my family’s privacy and allows ample time for me to overthink what I’ve said in a moment of clarity. Take nothing at face value; I mean no offense to anyone. All this being said, I paid for, designed, developed, and wrote this blog for my own use so I reserve the right to say what I want and in whatever humor I see fit. If you’re disappointed, join the club!

I love what I do. The sphere of influence I have is nothing next to His. My hope is to bless others in the same way I have been so very blessed. I’m not only a blogger; I’m a writer, a storyteller, a coffee-drinker, a joke teller. My jokes are particularly awful if I’m being very honest – which I’m not. My jokes are great!

The “I ask you” section below and located at the end of nearly every single one of my posts is not rhetorical unless stated otherwise. Please leave comments, questions, words of encouragement, whatever is on your heart when you read these posts. The back and forth of a friendship is my vision for Running on Fumes.

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I ask you –

Do you have a coffee bar? Which is better: making your own or purchasing from whomever makes the best for you?

How many irons in the fire do you normally juggle?

Please share a vision you have for your life!