Story Telling

Have I mentioned I saw my neighbor naked? Unfortunately, this is not a joke. Have I told you I considered registering for the upcoming, maybe, 45th MCM? Have I shared how much I hate teleworking? I need people!

If the above answers are all no, then today you’re in luck! And if they’re yes, then sit down and shut up because you’re going to listen regardless of your wishes. Thank you for your attention to this very important matter.

Where should I start? Definitely with the nude neighbor. The funniest part is I don’t recognize him if he’s dressed. Circa this past summer, I was tasked with wandering around the neighborhood holding a lost, lonely dog looking for its owners. Most houses I visited either stated it wasn’t their dog or no one was home. The final house I came to a nice woman answered the door and invited me in. How kind. As I entered, I noticed they had been having a party because their outdoor pool was full of floaties and food plates littered the counter. Unless it always looks this way? The woman called to a man deeper into the house to check out the dog I was holding. From a back room, I could hear a blow-dryer turn off, then an older gentleman walked down the hallway. He forgot he was naked I suppose. As he told me who the dog belonged to, I did my best to keep my eyes averted. Then he turned away and walked back down the hallway. Lovely. Just wonderful. I quickly exited the front door, dog in tow. My final thought was this: that man had no hair. Why was he using a blow dryer?

I haven’t been motivated to run much. Read: not at all. With every race being cancelled, it’s felt pointless. Though I know running helps me immensely in uncountable ways, I’ve just felt blah. Then I remembered my marathon goal! And if I’m going to bake cookies every weekend, I best figure out how to burn them off pronto. Doing some research, I stumbled across dates for the Marine Corp Marathon. Fall. Right up my alley! The only way I can enter is by playing the lottery. The marathon lottery. However, the lotto rules were a no-go for me. If chosen, there is no refund of the near $200 price tag if, for whatever reason, you can’t make it to the event. There are deferment options, but that seems silly to waste someone else’s time who could have gone.

I finally decided to run a local (semi-local) fall race using a quite lenient 6 month marathon training plan. It probably sounds excessive but I know how my body behaves in the summer, as well as the glaring fact I’ve never run a marathon. Sure, two half marathons in two days is an accomplishment but it’s still not the same. In the meantime, I’m building a pre-training base by working on a four-runs-a-week schedule. 2 weeks in. It’s going splendidly. Full disclosure: my weight is a little higher than normal (approx. 10 lbs) and the pace is less than optimal but starting off with some extra weight is good for me because it drops off fast when you (I) get into double digits and pace will improve as I continue training. That summer body is only a training plan away!

As for teleworking, no one cares. I could complain all day, but the overarching truth is I’m employed, out of harm’s way, and get to spend loads of time with my clingy family. I beg for quiet time and wonder why everyone has to sit so close to me on the couch. The expectations are high. In other news, teleworking sucks. But I’m alive and well.

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I ask you –

Give me your biggest complaint! I can listen all day.

Have you ever encountered a naked neighbor? How did you handle it?

Got any marathon advice?

Where the Red Fern… can’t be found?

As the frustration sets in and I find myself pacing the halls somewhere between bedtime and when I actually fall asleep, it’s not so much not going anywhere, it’s the realization that I can’t. Perhaps this is what a caged tiger feels. Restless, getting angrier, trying hard to find peace and thankfulness yet locating none.

Photo Credits: @a.c.sparks and @jmstormquotes – photo link available at https://www.instagram.com/p/B-wiMynHNMY/?igshid=1c6p510nkjx82

After a lengthy email to my own city council, I was rewarded with a personal reply and an acknowledgement I had been heard. Disclaimer: personal opinion only. Under our county/city order, we have been prevented from purchasing flowers, both seeds and anything in the growing process. Allowed are seeds and plants that produce food sources, i.e. fruits and vegetables. My email clearly states I’m disappointed in this decision because if you expect me to stay home, then at least give me something to beautify my surroundings! How are liquor stores deemed essential but nurseries not? Very clearly I was not the only one with this complaint.

As I made my way within a local big box retailer with receipt of the newly established permission to purchase beautiful growing things, I encountered a very nice employee who stated only one customer at a time allowed on the patio. She also triumphantly shared with me this news: I was the very first person desiring to do so since the revised order. What?!? Did no one else want to plant flowers? Their loss. My shopping cart began to overflow with greenery – half price greenery, I may add – because some were looking sad and unkept with very dry soil and rapidly dying blooms. It needed me!

The moral of the story is this: as we take care of each other, let us not neglect ourselves. If you want flowers and are restricted, reach out. What’s the worst that could happen? No? Please note: I’m not saying purchase, beg for, and borrow every damn pot you can find, fill it with whatever strikes your fancy, and leave it lying around another’s yard until they began to feel like a de facto nursery themselves. I can name a few culprits. I’m also not saying it’s your job to rescue every budding plant like this is your ticket to the Pearly Gates. Perilously close to naming above mentioned culprit. My point is to advocate for what you want. This was truly a need, but I’m not arguing semantics.

What’s left to say here? Beats me. I just write a lot of nonsense. Oh yes. Go forth and plant flowers! But not too many. And only at your own home.

May you all find beauty in your surroundings.

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I ask you –

Am I the only one advocating for flower sales?

Are alcohol sales truly “essential”? I will concede this. For some, it might be yes.

Know any flower hoarders? Do tell!

The Show Must Go On!

With a string of birthday months piled together, my house has seen so much partying! And it probably wishes they would end promptly. Spring is a very busy time: thunderstorms, flowers, parties, and whatever else we can get into.

The real deal is in April though. That’s when my mini me celebrates her rapid inclusion into the aging community. We may only be in the single digits and we haven’t progressed from one hand yet, but her attitude and independence tell a different story. Nonetheless, the show must go on!

Contrary to our plans for a huge get together, a smaller gathering was agreed upon. And by small I mean very very small. Seems the world had other plans for us. Run with it. But with the addition of unicorns, cake, and a photo prop wall, I think we achieved success! Small people just love the surprise of it all anyway. It was a magical day!

Since her birthday was a weekday, she was treated to multiple celebrations! The weekend included a party and the weekday involved making cupcakes and pink jello! Oh, to be young again. Not to mention gifts galore. I must say my birthday was incredible – surely hers could be considered over the top.

Until next year. 5 is a milestone, right? She seems to think so already.

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I ask you –

How much fun are children’s parties?

Do you prefer homemade cake or store purchased?

We’re accepting virtual happy birthday accolades! Send them all!

Rhyme Time

More Daniel Tiger jokes. Before now, I can’t recall a time I used the word “quarantine”. Or heard it so often. Surely I’m not the first who is completely, madly, irrevocably over this mess. Climbing atop my soap box… The media can shove it. The so called experts can shove it, too. Suddenly everyone has an opinion rooted in fact, or so they claim. Fear hangs around our neck like a scarf of many colors and it’s choking out every ounce of oxygen and common sense.

The more we search for the right answer or those who can solve our problems, the more we find nowhere to run. I don’t know what to tell you. All we can do is find our faith in whatever shape or form it appears. And perhaps remodel our homes with this abundance of time on our hands. Maybe I’ll re-decorate!

With the gym being closed, I’m thankful my trusty treadmill is available 24/7. Most of my exercise consists of rage vacuuming and repeatedly washing the same 2 dishes. And drinking at least 3 cups of coffee. Caffeine can cure anything! More cookies, please!

There’s been fishing and puzzles and chalk and wondering if my mini’s birthday party will attract any guests. All I know is we will have cake and hand-washing and enough toilet paper! More jokes everyone is tired of hearing. Again, I’m thankful the tiny princess cares not about what happens in our wide world and she’s unaffected. When I told her church was cancelled but we’re able to watch it online, she didn’t bat one long eyelash. When I said we needed to go to Sam’s Club to purchase butter and I forewarned her it would probably be insanity inside, she stated she would hold my hand tighter. When I said we needed to stay home more and do things together as a family, her smile lit up the room. These things prove time and again that our youth need our attention now more than ever. Most don’t care about “things” – they value our time with them. Slowing down to savor these minutes and days isn’t such a bad idea afterall.

Couldn’t have said it better if I’d tried!

There’s always coffee. And bedtime.

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I ask you –

Anything I can do for you during this time?

How are you staying busy? I need more ideas!

Do you think this is our new norm?

Employment Perks

It’s nearing the end of my third week at the new germ-sharing factory (kidding!) so I felt as if even if you didn’t ask, you really must want to know how it’s going. Right?

First, the wildlife are rampant! I haven’t whipped out my trusty camera to take photos because base, but daily I see a jackrabbit – could it be the same one? – and once I saw a huge bull frog. Obviously I know we have many varied species of creatures wandering the plains of Texas so I’m not too surprised to see things. I did stare in shock though.

When I laugh, this is how my coworkers look at me, too

With any new employment opportunity, there’s always going to be a rather slow start. However, in my experience, a slow starts equates to for-effing-ever with every known hiccup that could happen. Ridiculous! My paperwork wasn’t correct, my credentials were invisible, the website wouldn’t allow me to change my password, AND everyone who can help me has vacated the building in favor of teleworking. For the love…

So I did what I do best. I wait. Hahaha, jokes. I have zero patience. Correction: I did what I do best; I winged it! Here’s what happens when I inevitable wing anything: it works out. Which really isn’t good news because it encourages me to wing it again next time and it continues to work. I’m an expert winger. Since I work for the high flying Air Force, “winging it” seems appropriate, do you agree?

Truthfully, the atmosphere is relaxed and I can wear whatever I want. Those pesky limits do exist. Pretty sure cookies are on the agenda soon – can never start too early making friends before secret Santa season. Though nice, the other employees are a hardship to my return to Keto. I wasn’t there 6 hours before a cake appeared on my desk. Day 2 included donuts. I’m such a sucker. Now I’ve figured out not to open whatever box appears and wait for a higher ranking official with a self-described sweet tooth to whisk it away behind closed doors and then I’m safe.

Occasionally I succumb. Whenever the phone stops ringing.

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I ask you –

Name your favorite employee perk!

Are you also the one who has all the problems when it comes to getting started?

Thoughts on ‘winging it’?

Nuggets

The shorter version of a post aptly titled “Nuggets of Hilariously Crazy Things That Only Happen to Me”. Examples to follow.

Working with the US Air Force reminds me of an incident at a local Verizon store while stationed in Florida. A well meaning (I’m assuming) store employee told me I was too pretty to be in the Navy; he said I was more suited for the Air Force. Both flattered and offended, I opened my big Sailor mouth and kindly flung around like confetti a favorite f-word of mine until his smile mostly disappeared to an ‘ah-ha there it is’ grimace. A real shining star, I am.

Ready for the story about the time I was investigated by Homeland Security? Of course you are!

While preparing a paper for a class during the quest for my Master’s degree, circa 2010, read post-9/11, the assignment covered theories, opinions, and the like of terrorism groups both past and present. I was very thorough and created a masterpiece of information. Prior to the due date, I electronically submitted the paper via my student email, per the usual instructions. Several days later, I received an email from my professor stating the paper had been “embargoed due to inflammatory response and dialogue”. And they said Big Brother wasn’t real. Yeah right. I was one of three students who had been flagged by DHS. In the ensuing days, our professor implored the release of the papers with an explanation of our course, topic, and materials. The other two student’s papers were released. Mine, not so much. DHS refused, even with a request for redaction. By this point, the semester was over and I needed a grade for this mysterious paper my professor had yet to read. Ultimately, I printed a copy of said paper and had the post office specially mark it to be delivered to my professor (to be clear, all my classes were online). He gave me an A on principle. Because, seriously, if the government wouldn’t return it, it must have been good! My workplace and boss were also contacted and questioned regarding my loyalty to the US. It was quite a nerve-wracking time! The joke now is my paper ended up on former President Obama’s desk. Maybe it did. Upon joining the Navy, I was personally, extensively questioned about the above incident. And here I am today!

In case you were wondering, I do still play Gummies on a daily basis, but I’ve also added a game to my repertoire. Daily Crossword Puzzles. As it has become apparent to me, the struggle to remember other’s names and tidbits of random information – mostly useless – fostered my worries which began to grow. Early onset dementia? The beginning of my memory’s end? This is how it starts? Being proactive, and sometimes logical, I believe as we age, the small boxes inside our minds began to fill up. Some of these boxes contain useless information, like a random stranger’s name or occupation, while other boxes host entire stories and all their related details. More and more boxes are added to the shelves so it takes longer to find the box necessary upon search. I think it’s a fine theory. Nonetheless, the quest to keep my memory sharp has resulted in crossword puzzles. Ehh. Ask me again in 2 years.

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I ask you –

Share your most unbelievable story!

Ever been investigated? Can you say?!

Brain activities: what are your favorites?

Birthdays and Adventures

I recently celebrated a momentous birthday occasion: 34! I’m sure I’ve mentioned before I have a twin, right? The game is always who can tell the other happy birthday first. She usually cheats and sends the text shortly after midnight. At least we’re in the same time zone now because it got tricky for awhile. The cake of my choosing is this luscious lemon, blueberry concoction of yumminess. There’s no other words.

And I went deep into Oklahoma to explore the Wichita Mountains, namely Mount Scott. Mostly I went with the promise of incredible post-hike Italian food. Which did not disappoint.

Then I chopped off my Fabio-like locks, as well as my mini’s. Ha. If they even remotely resembled Fabio’s, I wouldn’t be here. Hence the cut. And mini only got a trim. Calm down.

Then we went fishing! It’s a very long story why I don’t fish – for another day – but I caught one this time. And mini caught a catfish. Get it, get it!

I’m attempting to stay well, but my non-Coronavirus related sneezing is about to drive me nuts. Stupid allergies. If these trees could just skip blooming, I’d be happy. Who needs bees anyway? Oh, the flowers.

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I ask you –

Care to state your age?

When I was a child, my family were beekeepers. Do you know anyone in this profession?

Tell me your last adventure!

Travel and Leisure

My first thought upon the titling was is this copyrighted? That’s how you know you’re a writer! When your original thinking pertains to the fact you don’t want to impose on anyone’s creative property. I don’t think it is. Let’s continue.

A wonderful friend of mine, Dan, whom I’ve mentioned before, sent me this caption-less photo some time ago (aka without going back searching for an exact date, I can’t exactly remember). New York is iconic. The rush and hustle of so many humans packed into one small city. An entertainment hub of importance. Not to mention a great sparkly ball falls from the sky every December 31st to commemorate a new year! And the way kindness, humility, and strength formed an impenetrable shield in the face of an event that forever changed not only the city but the world. Just… wow.

I’ve only driven past New York, briefly got lost in New Jersey, went ice skating in Connecticut, and spent a very short weekend in Baltimore. Washington DC was incredible and full of history. These are each world renowned places mentioned in textbooks and constantly crossing our media channels. But there’s also much beauty in the tucked away cities far from the Eastern seaboard.

And one of these I am excited to vacation at again! It would seem the sea has always called my name, beckoned me to dip my toes in its warm water, unfurled my hand while the sand pours through my fingers. A “vacation” is the sun, sea, and copious amounts of seafood. Indeed I am thankful to the Navy I was able to live where many people simply visit. Opportunity knocks on even the commoner’s door.

South Padre Island – I will see you soon. Too many years have passed. My tiny human has never experienced the wonders of the Gulf of Mexico – the blue and green foam riding atop the water, soft sand beneath your feet, and the incredible crabs traversing a starlit, nighttime beach. I haven’t even started on the food descriptors!

Isn’t this why we work? To play? To share our happiness and passion with those we love? Everyone needs a vacation. I realize our work culture overstates this “need” to do, go, produce. But the real need is to relax, recharge, and experience life.

And I intend to do just that!

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I ask you –

When was your last vacation? Oh, about 9 years ago

What does an ideal vacation look like to you? Where? With whom?

Share your vacation photos with me, please!

Next Up!

Sometimes I write entire posts in the blissful space between falling asleep and dreaming. Often there’s an internal struggle: should I get up to actually type these words or will I remember them the next day? The answer is always the same. I fall asleep, then spend the next morning attempting to re-create what my sleepy mind so eloquently said in monologue. Never fails.

In this short space of unemployment, rest and relaxation have helped with creativity. Or forced it. Whichever. I’ve tried some new recipes. Decorated and rearranged a whole bedroom. Cleaned a bunch of sh*t. And finished an art project. Not bad for a self-proclaimed non creative person. I’m doing pretty well!

I also worked out almost daily. Built some muscle. Gained a few necessary lbs. And took walks outdoors with the soothing sounds of nature and angry birds. I’ve made appointments, attended appointments, and considered joining a yoga studio. I’m zen in my short-lived creativeness! Minus those pissed off birds.

There’s something to be said for time on your hands. Nowhere to be; no time clock to punch. Waiting on others can be a lesson in futility. Or a blessing in disguise!

Now let me see what that weightless class is all about. Suspending myself from the ceiling via a sex swing-looking contraption sounds like so much fun. Gotta go!

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I ask you –

How often do you find yourself with extra time on your hands?

Bet you also wish you remembered some of the greatest things thought of before falling asleep, right?

Cookies: favorite kind?

Looking Out From the Throne, I Now See…

In response to a few questions and comments I received about a prior post when I referred to “mental, physical, and spiritual growth”, I’d like to provide some clarification.

There are two topics I have stayed away from on Running on Fumes: politics and religion. My goal is to never exclude someone based on any kind of discriminatory trait. Never. No way. No how. Not acceptable. Ever.

Now that I’ve said all these things, I want to reiterate to my readers my support of whatever you decide to live, be, and believe. Have at it. As long as it doesn’t hurt you or others, do your thing. And I’ll do mine.

In figuring out the track my life is on, I decided to consult with a really amazing group of people I spend time with approximately once a week. My church “friends”. Clearly we don’t know each other outside of that establishment, but they smile and laugh with me so I think we’re pretty steady now. Then they invited me to a small group titled “Freedom”. Freedom? From what? I am free. I fought for freedom. Why do I need to attend such a group?

Unbeknownst to me, it has become exactly what I need when I need it. I’m not only learning about myself but also my belief system. Double win. For more than a decade, the self-titled version of me would be agnostic. It’s not the same as atheism, look it up. I believed there was a God, or even multiple gods, but science prevailed and the ultimate decision making was up to us mortals. I didn’t need to believe in a higher power because I was the ruler and controller of my life, good or bad.

Adult enough to admit it, I now understand I have major control issues, am a rule maker, and envisioned God as a throne-perched ruler who judges us above mentioned mortals with a condescending eye. How wrong I was. “We are blessed to bless others.” And to give of our time, money, and self is the ultimate worship.

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I ask you –

What is your belief system?

Have your spiritual views changed over time? Perhaps multiple times?

What mantra do you live by?