The Sword does not Negotiate

It operates according to function. It neither acts as a microphone nor as a microscope. It has one job. So what if we started living like the sword?

There is a cost, real or imagined, to every decision, every benchmark, every result. Often, we judge the things we must do according to the cost it will have on our life. But, like children, we twist the variables for our benefit. If the cost is low, we accept the circumstances. If cost is high, then we contextualize the variables according to what we desire for the end result. Basic principles.

When we embark on a path of revenge or vengeance, our entire lens is skewed to the end result. Hurt others. Often we contextualize the variables (see above) as righteous anger. For example, I’m protecting others, I’m doing as has been done to me, I am the victim. Please understand – you probably are the victim. But the cost is high. Peace is not cheap. Dare I say it is the most expensive part of life, in a global form. Time is almost the most expensive part of life, yet it is a personal value which might be considered the #1 most valuable asset a human can retain. Maybe this sounds conflicting. Maybe it is.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Pexels.com

The real question is are you seeking peace and purpose or thrill and chaos?

The moment has come for choosing a new word, or affirmation, in the next year. My team would insist I choose “No.”. A definitive period at the end of the only two-letter complete sentence in our language. It requires no explanation, no justification, no extra words. One period at its end. Another drain on my time? No. Another task to be accomplished without clear vision or goal? No. Another meeting disguised as necessary? No. Another person who trauma-dumps their entire life story on me? No. Another pointless discussion destined to morph into an argument. No.

I don’t want to check the temperature when I enter a room. I don’t want to scan it looking for a familiar face. I want the dynamic to change when I enter. I set the pace, I am the temperature to be checked, I make change. I refuse to negotiate when I hold the sword.

Be the thermostat. Not the thermometer.

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I ask you –

Which one are you and which do you desire to be?

(The post The Sword does not Negotiate first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Maybe I mean me

Leading women fills my soul and leadership heart. Small moments of joy – listening to them, praying with them, just being there for them – brings me joy.

For the photo above, it’s a re-creation of the same photo we’ve done 3 years straight. We are nothing if not consistent.

But my overall takeaway from the event was this – many women are tired of taking care of others who probably wouldn’t do the same for them (or they can’t trust someone else would do the same for them). They’re tired of stifling their voices, giving and giving and giving their time, effort, energy, and they’re tired of forgoing the things which make them happy for fear of reprisal at home, the office, in any setting really. They are silently imploding with unsaid words, feelings, situations. They’re done.

_________________

I ask you –

Is there anything making you feel as if you are done?

(The post Maybe I mean me first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

We did some things!

Seeing my sister win is a WIN! She deserves all the accolades and appreciation and awards. We’re so different, but we are a winning team! She thinks others don’t notice her hard work, I’m sure sometimes she doesn’t feel appreciated, but she definitely is. She’s the better half of this sister duo and the co-worker award is a testament to her heart.

I had a photo here of what happens when Parts doesn’t show up to claim her award, but it was truly awful. Must like she probably felt when she said she was sick. Hmph.

Humble brag: It never ceases to amaze me when I win awards or listen to my own accomplishments. Most of the things I do are my job – lead, train, motivate, join. To me, it’s not a big deal. It’s what I do. So I’m humbled when someone else sees the value in it because that’s certainly not why I do what I do. I do it for them, for my team – a group of people who come together to do good things, day in and day out. They deserve recognition every quarter.

Speaking of teams – 4th quarter team winners – I’ve written about it before – when they win, we all win!

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I ask you –

Received any awards lately? Brag to me!

Do you fancy yourself a great co-worker?

Tell me how many times you’ve been sick in 2025. Because things are going around.

(The post We did some things! first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Defiant and Noncompliant

I’ve (mostly) come back to my senses so allow me to share the good things, the fun, the holiday spirit activities before too much of January arrives with all its circumstances.

I connected with like-minded others who have a passion for servant leadership. Some are also self-described adrenaline junkies, which I believe speaks to a world of chaos I’m mildly interested in exploring.

I reconnected with a special person who will probably never read this post, but holds space in my heart. We were both very young when I joined his family, so to see him as an adult, with children of his own, but with the same mischievous smile of years past – a huge smile crosses my own face.

The weight bench and weights represent strength, but more than traditional strength equipment. They are joy, peace, and a fair amount of pain. The past 2 winters I’ve been unable to run on the island like I train year-round to do. It’s disappointing. So I continue to train in other ways…ways that make me feel strong.

Sharing some words spoken to me, in natural muse-like behavior: You may be biased. But you are fair. I can’t think of anything better than to be known as fair, especially when leading others. Maybe I’m doing something right.

Lastly, a lesson in obedience rather than how I’ve been obedient. Some have a certain type of face they must keep under wraps. You know the one. The infamous RBF. Luckily, I don’t have one of those. However, I do have a very prominent laugh. It’s loud. It’s me. If only I could control it. I can’t. It bubbles out of me like a fountain spewing joy at the most inopportune times. The pastor called me his favorite heckler. Probably not a compliment. People stare. Some smile so that makes me feel better. Others look over in alarm. As they should. The legacy I leave won’t be for world peace, or lavish contributions to society, but to the worst timing of a laugh. I guess we’re all remembered for something.

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I ask you –

What connections have you made lately?

Any go-to activities when you can’t do what you love?

Tell me your defining trait!

(The post Defiant and Noncompliant first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Anew in 2025

My heart has been hurting for some time now. The holidays had me at war with myself. Every day in November, I did one thing for myself. I went to the coffee shop frequently, I escaped work to go window shopping, I went on long walks, I dated me. In December, I set a goal to work out as much during the week as possible. I created my own workouts to excuse the knee pain, I religiously followed up with doctors to get the X-ray and MRI, I pushed hard for me.

Then, the diagnosis of patellar tendonitis. Doesn’t sound so bad. My first question – can I run? Short answer: not yet. There’s still inflammation, there’s still remedies, there’s still physical therapy. I was happy with a diagnosis and thankful for an intact meniscus, but I still can’t run. I’m still in pain. There’s still swelling. I’m not ready to run, I know, I know. Yet I really wanted to just take off, down the street, carefree, moving my body the way I love to do.

2024: 267 miles

Afterwards, the threat of government shutdown, of furloughing my staff, of making dozens of notifications to people who just want to enjoy their holiday. My thin thread of sanity was fraying. My hard-fought and well-earned beach vacation was beginning to feel like a middle finger to everyone left behind. The one beating heart inside me threatened to collapse.

I should be excited. I should be ready to tackle the new year. My ethics board review will most likely be completed early January. I can begin scheduling, then traveling for my research. I will graduate in 2025.

But, for whatever reason, peace eludes me. The things I’ve tried to fill my time with, to refocus on, to overcome, have not been enough. I’m getting there. This is a hard one. And I think it’s important that others know you’re not alone.

Artist: B. N.

Not to worry. I’m ok. Just need a little more time.

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I ask you –

Any defining word for 2025?

Feel free to share your difficulties with the holidays or regarding life in general. We’re all doing the best we can.

(The post Anew in 2025 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

But That’s Where I’m At

Vision Board Event – where dozens of people go crazy with glue, magazines, and colored paper. McK, Parts, and I are making strides toward doing more creative-type projects and spending time together outside of the workplace. Not too bad to start 2024.

Now, the random: Unbeknownst to me there is specific terminology within the academia field that eludes to transitional terms. For example, whilst completing the coursework associated with a doctorate, the student is called a doctoral student. Apt. However, once the student has completed the required coursework and has begun the dissertation process, the student is now a doctoral candidate. Fancy. Also, there is a special kind of nonsense for those of us who simply can’t live without education called a Postdoc. Just as it’s spelled, it’s what a ridiculous person would do after they obtain a doctoral degree. No thank you.

Also unknown to me is the option of applying for grants and funding to further the research portion of my degree. A quick search resulted in a few Veteran-related PhD grants, as well as several scholarships. No harm in completing the applications.

Finally, no matter what others (…me) might say about the loneliness of this process, I’ve made some incredible connections, including forming relationships with others who have obtained their PhD and gone on to become professors and/or researchers. At this time, I’ve been conversing with a woman who wrote her dissertation on a subject I’m extremely interested in and am considering how to mold it into my own dissertation. She’s been kind and generous with her time, something I value greatly. More to come.

Finally, I never thought I would see the day that a few 8-10 pg assignments seemed laughable. Remind me in a few weeks how excited I always am to start writing again.

__________________

I ask you –

Any creativity-centered goals for this year?

Have you ever applied for a grant?

Tell me an absolutely ridiculous page length!

(The post But That’s Where I’m At first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

2024: The Path Ahead

(This is the post I intended to publish on New Year’s Day, but we got home late and I overcommitted myself to doing all the things prior to sitting down to put the final touches on it. Hence, here we are today.)

Not being a fan of the traditional New Year’s “resolutions”, instead I like to focus on a “word of the year”. You know, something that resonates with me and that I can embody all year long. 2022 was grace, 2023 was strength, and 2024 is exhale. Simple enough, right? I write it in a few key places so I can be reminded regularly. What I do with the reminder, in the moment, is up to me but it’s nice to focus on one word. Below, the four words written above my word of the year are mantra-type words I want to remember. Although I have no idea how they factor into a year that has yet to be lived, I’m finding joy in believing they will be powerful.

2024 will bring about its own challenges, as each year does. Nearly a full year of writing my dissertation, mini will change school locations as she progresses, there’s that foot surgery business, dozens more blog posts, and anything else the world throws my way. Perhaps there will even be room for promotions. Nonetheless, focusing on my breathing and remembering to exhale through the little and big things is a nice part of living in this wild world.

Also, books. This was my first year as part of an actual (unofficial) book club! We read several books I would have never chosen myself but most were great! The Cuban Heiress by Chanel Cleeton. The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown. For One More Day by Mitch Albom. And so many more…The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst was my favorite. Just what I needed at the time. Amidst the hustle and deadlines and stress of the holidays, it was a moment to settle my soul and feel what I needed to feel. And reprioritize. Definitely that.

Now, about the running portion of 2024. I keep a log of my annual miles – not too bad, if I do say so myself. Beyond the local (i.e., at work) 5k’s and one community run (Thanksgiving Day), I ran zero sanctioned races. And you know what? I feel no different than I did when I ran allll the races I could find. By my own calculations, I’ve been intentionally running for 7 years (2017-2023). Not too bad! Even though I’m unsure what 2024 will bring – foot issues, etc. – I know I will run again in 2024 and it won’t be pretty at first, but by the time I post the 2024 run mileage, I’ll still look back and think…wow. I did that.

__________________

I ask you –

Do you have a resolution or phrase of the year?

Did you read any amazing books? Please share!

Tell me your 2023 run or activity stats!

(The post 2024: The Path Ahead first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 2

I know I said this would be a series, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Probably should have known that.

When some research literally brainwashes you into such a position that you have no idea what’s reality and what’s utter BS – does that mean you’ve finally made it?! I’m so far into the weeds, I honestly can’t tell. All I know is I started writing and didn’t put the proverbial pen down until it was complete. Which is a far cry better than writer’s block, in my opinion. Especially when I’m getting paid to write. Details.

Completely confident my entire dissertation is/will be a load of garbage. Which is funny because I was so excited about it initially. I wanted to change the course of research! I wanted to contribute to the knowledge base. Now? Please let me survive this with a small semblance of sanity.

The hardship and coinciding blessing of a doctoral program is loneliness. There’s little if any interaction with other students so you lose that human touch, the connectedness. As most are online programs, it’s not like I can reach out to a fellow student for advice. Even worse is when a professor either gives no feedback or such subjective feedback that it feels like they missed the point entirely. It’s not that I need acknowledgement because I recognize this is a choice I made, but it wouldn’t kill them to acknowledge it either.

Like I said, I’m so far into the weeds of analysis lately I don’t even know where reality is anymore. In the meantime, I’ll just keep pulling crap out of the bottom of the dumpster and selling it as my own!

__________________________

I ask you –

Do you have any mottos?

Where does sanity even come from?

Tell me about a time when you expected acknowledgement and it never came.

(The post Doctoral Dumpster Diving, pt 2 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Is It Not?

Getting this off my chest because I feel like somehow it’s a common misconception.

As this is a conversation I’ve had with a lot of people, it would seem there is much confusion on the topic of men, women, couples, etc. doing things to take care of themselves, as in anything from taking care of themselves physically (gym, working out, whatever that looks like to satisfy physical needs) and emotionally (mental health, counseling, strong friendships), etc.

Addressing physical needs from a male perspective (again, this is based on the conversations I’ve had with many different people so no, it’s not publishable research but it is first hand experience): men seem to appreciate when women do things to take care of themselves physically. Biologically, men are visual. They want to see whatever picture they’ve built in their minds. Here’s the problem: women want the same thing. This is not a solely male desire. There’s typically some form of physical attraction in a relationship; therefore, women want to know men are taking steps to work on themselves, too. If men expect women to do these things based on their need for a certain visual, but think women don’t want the same thing – you’re wrong. We do, too. Biology isn’t relegated to one sex or another. This whole concept of “letting yourself go” because you’re married or in a long term relationship is nonsense. Better yet, why would someone want to live that way? Don’t you want to be better to feel good about you? Get over yourself.

A pretty flower to lessen the sting of the truth.

Next, emotionally. It doesn’t matter what it looked like for your parents or grandparents or family tree going back decades. Mental health is important. And everyone deserves to have their needs being met by a competent person. If you think someone who is struggling with the things people struggle with can have their mental needs satisfied by their partner alone, then you’re wrong. Your partner is not your therapist. So go forward like an adult and seek therapy. Again, this is normal. Projecting your unresolved trauma and issues and all that other stuff will not result in a stable relationship. Get some help.

Now, we return to your regularly scheduled it’s all good, touchy feely stuff. But, for real, get it together.

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I ask you –

Do you disagree? Why? Prove it.

Are you the visual or the emotional partner?

Tell me some tips to navigate this phenomenon.

(The post Is It Not? first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Re-Post: Bamboozled

(While I’m away from the desk, I will be re-posting a few of my previous posts in an effort at entertainment and continuity. Enjoy!)

What’s another word for bamboozled? Let me tell you a little story –

There once was a little girl who began to come home with self-reported blurry vision and headaches. Her mother was very worried and made an eye appointment with a trusted optometrist. The closest appointment wasn’t for a few weeks so the girl’s mother called several times to ask for cancellations and open slots. Lo and behold, an appointment opened and the girl was able to be seen about 10 days before the originally scheduled appointment.

The little girl was so happy. She behaved extremely well during the exam and dilation process. But when the doctor arrived in the room, he explained there was nothing wrong with the girl’s eyesight.

But there is a behind the scenes story not many are privy to. You see, the girl’s entire family struggled with vision issues. Nearly all wore glasses or some sort of eye correction. So when the girl complained of eye problems, it came as no surprise.

Further, the girl’s eyesight seemed to change nearly daily. Sometimes she requested to sit closer to the television because she just couldn’t see. Other times she seemed fine and would sit further back. The lack of consistency in her vision was puzzling. One minute could see a sign in the distance, the next not so much. Her mother began to wonder.

When the doctor said he couldn’t find a reason for the girl’s inability to see, the mother accepted it as truthful. After all, the girl had been examined with multiple instruments, including dilation and had taken special pictures to see the entire eyeball. Fascinating really. The only thing the doctor could come up with is perhaps the girl needed a slight prescription for readers. The girl was overjoyed at this news.

Later that evening, the girl went to pick out her new pair of glasses. As she gleefully examined things through the lenses of her beautiful blue light glasses (note: blue light glasses, not readers, not a pair of glasses with any Rx tied to them), she proudly explained to anyone who would listen how her new glasses helped her see. Suddenly she was running again (which she had stopped doing for fear of falling). She showed off the glasses to strangers and asked photos be sent to all her relatives sharing her blue spectacles.

During homework that same night, the young girl read every word easier than ever. Seems blue light glasses solved her every concern, as well as knowing her many friends who also have glasses would welcome her with open arms into their exclusive club. Her teacher would be so excited for her. Her family’s admiration would live on endlessly.

The placebo effect is real. If you don’t believe me, just ask my mini. She’s an expert!

________________________

I ask you –

Did you ever bamboozle your parents?

Do you wear spectacles?

Tell me your thoughts on the placebo effect!

(The post Bamboozled first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)