Embrace the Change

…”Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”…

Those are the questions to ask when considering situations in which the options are to speak up or be silent. Although not mutually exclusive, it seems the best way forward is to answer these questions affirmatively: otherwise, stay silent.

I was honored with the opportunity to listen to an older gentleman who shared his perspective of returning “home” to finalize the estate of his late mother. His military career has taken him far and wide, here and there, yet he was notably saddened and a little perturbed at mentioning his friends and family’s reactions to his brief, sporadic trips. His disdain for the commonly repeated phrase “you’ve changed” or “you never visit” or the constant demand for time and attention when he returns without an offer to ever repeat the gesture was tangible. Somewhere during this conversation it struck me that these encounters happen no matter your age, status, or socioeconomic status. You will change. You should. And there will be people who only know how to take what you can give. So surround yourself with people who recognize the change… and embrace it.

Often I set myself up for disappointment when my expectations surpass ability. I know I’ve mentioned this same issue countless times but it plagues me. The latest example is not feeling satisfied with the small portion of my literature review due in a few weeks. I want to include passion, the emotions it elicits, the “me” of this research. But that’s not the goal. It should be straightforward, a masterpiece of regurgitation of others’ research. Why is it so hard? Because everything I do is laced with the excellence I expect of myself. 110%. Every time. No excuses. And somehow what keeps me going is also my biggest flaw.

In other news, I finished that literature review. To my knowledge, it’s exactly what they were looking for. Was it painful? Mostly yes. But I make easy things difficult for a living.

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I ask you –

Do you find silence difficult to achieve?

Are you aging with mischief?

Name something you always make so much more difficult than it has to be. I’d like to answer for mini: bedtime routine.

(The post Embrace the Change first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Photos and Minimal Explanations

Why do they keep tempting me?!

Spring is my favorite!

We’re 4-0!

L -> R: Jordan, Beth, Sam, Brittany, me, April, and Roland (not pictured: Jarrod and Tina)

First, Parts got me addicted to Starbucks frappes. Now, we’ve progressed to HTeaO. The unsweetened coconut tea is divine.

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I ask you –

Will you try the newest Blue Bell ice cream?

What is your least favorite flavor?

You can only pick one: unsweetened tea or coffee. You already know…

(The post Photos and Minimal Explanations first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Another Miscalculation!

I’ll do my best at this analogy – a PhD is somewhere between childbirth and the stomach bug…very exciting but makes you very nauseous. In keeping (mostly) with my tradition of not looking ahead at courses because hello, nauseous I realized some time ago that I wasn’t doing myself any favors and probably should plan more for what’s ahead. Control the controllables and all that. And it worked out.

Taking my new bag from The Note Bags with me!

Then, it came to a point where I needed to repeat the looking ahead process and I got a little shocked when I believed I would be completing the actual fieldwork part of this research next Spring (a year from now). Instead, I will spend the summer writing the lit review (which is actually great timing) and the fall is dedicated to the research and methods portion. Great, I was an entire season off in my calculations. Sure, it sounds like no big deal, why stress when we haven’t even made it through spring yet much less summer. But that’s what I do. I stress!

I know for sure I’m going to the border. Despite some who have attempted to talk me out of it, that’s where my research will take me. Surely my limited, rusty Spanish, sarcasm, and wit will keep me out of trouble and prevent inadvertent kidnappings. I talk too much to be a valuable asset. This is why…border communities are stigmatized. Much to my point of going there!

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I ask you –

Have you heard of The Note Bags?

What are your stress levels like? 30. Minimum.

Go ahead – give me your best safety advice.

(The post Another Miscalculation! first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Lofty Goals

I seriously overestimated my ability to complete a 40 source annotated bibliography during spring break. It’s not that I couldn’t do it, it was entirely manageable, but I encountered some unexpected issues that prevented me from completion. First, the Internet was undergoing prolonged maintenance. As we use a local company, the customer service is incredible but sometimes things take longer than a conglomerate company with billions of dollars at its disposal. Then, our birthday happened, aka making evening plans in lieu of writing. Finally, I’m still figuring out how to navigate volleyball games with my ideal writing schedule. Luckily, this was a late game which theoretically meant I could write pre-game. Instead, I spent that time getting ready for said game, getting mini ready for said game, and doing all the things I would normally do before bedtime (remember, late game). Alas, the excuses are rampant.

All the food I ate on my birthday, minus some incredible nachos and probably a few other things is above. It was pretty yummy!

Pretty sure I’ve forgotten to share here how I gave up Gummies on Jan 1st and haven’t returned. I realized that my game play was becoming a slight problem, my productivity wavered, and I wondered if I could truly commit to quitting. Based on how the first several days went, I think I may have been addicted. Seriously. My fingers automatically went to the app each time I picked up my phone, I was severely tempted to play out of boredom, out of response, out of habit. Fortunately during that time, there was plenty to do around the house and it might have been the most productive period, partially due to the school break but also in a concentrated effort to forego Gummies. Sometimes I still get the urge to open it up and play “for a minute” – but I know about addictive tendencies and “a minute” will stretch into hours. Be strong!

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I ask you –

Have you ever set any lofty goals?

Do you overindulge on your birthday? Every time.

On a scale of 1 to Rick Roll’d – did you think believe I’d ever quit Gummies?

(The post Lofty Goals first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Research

A few questions: How to be informed? What does that mean to people?

Another question: Where do people get their news?

Thoughts: Terms like gaslighting and narcissism are incredibly overused. I don’t think people even know what these mean anymore (or at all). How are we a society of wannabe psychologists?

Reflection on the past course: the way the discussion board posts go makes me question humanity. Careless mistakes, incorrect references, ridiculous replies…these are the people who run organizations? Who will be called Dr? Help us. They can’t write a full sentence. Someone used my full name to address me in such a way I’m fairly certain my great great grandmother wrote it. It’s a discussion, not a formal letter!

Women who grow up with tumultuous relationships with their mothers develop into one of two types of adult women: 1) those that seek other women who mother them or 2) those that become the mothers to other women. I navigated this relationship with my best friend, never really understanding why it was like that. We both had/have difficult maternal relationships so we weren’t able to grow in our relationship together until we each became a mother. Now, we analyze it in many of our individual friendships. Thus far, it holds true.

I read an article about redeeming your dreams and how they never end until you give up on them. This next course had me questioning my dreams, if only for a brief moment. So I cried for a minute and picked myself back up with the help of my most encouraging people. Giving up on my dream is not an option. But sometimes doubt creeps in, tells you it’s too hard, and makes you question your abilities. And that’s ok, for a second. I’m only human. I just keep telling myself the finish line isn’t that far away and hundreds of other people have managed to make it to this stage – so who am I to doubt myself.

My dissertation is only a small portion of the things I’d like to study, even though I swore I was 1 and done on the massive scale of writing anything. But there’s so much more to find out! Back to the research…

P.S. today is Spare Part’s birthday. She’s getting old.

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I ask you –

When was the last time you went to a book fair?

Are you in the “I must mother everyone!” or “Where is my mother?” stage?

Share something you’re interested in researching or would like to know the answer to.

(The post Research first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Out Late

Recently, there was a conversation about party tricks. As people began to answer, I thought to myself “We’re supposed to have a trick?! The trick is I showed up to the party. I am the trick!” Weird.

I like to change my TEAMS message to outrageous, completed unassociated with work responses. For example, some of my best have referred to running, wearing “das boot”, having no friends, being confused, pacing in my office, etc. You get the drift. I probably field at least one question a week regarding my status and what it means. Usually I have no idea aka I don’t remember what I was talking about so it’s fun to speculate.

When I’m bored in the office (please don’t mistaken that for having nothing to do because I absolutely have things that need to be done), I send a text in the group chat with some off-the-wall thing about how I have to do all the work myself and when are you guys gonna show up and fine, you all hate me. I’m a riot! Interestingly, I get a really quick response to my randomness, unlike when I’m barking orders or have something important I need. Who knew.

Finally, this is my last week “off” until December. And I’m uncertain what that break even looks like because then I’ll be prepping to begin the travel/interview research process. I’m not concerned with taking time off work – I have tons of that but the constant in the trenches part of this feels like a lot. To be expected. Perhaps I should stay up late every night to take back control.

Or continue to get up early. Seize the day.

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I ask you –

Do you have a party trick? What is it?

How often do you stay out late?

Tell me your plans this week!

(The post Out Late first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

What I Wanted to Say

In the discussion post assignments:

Hi, Scooter. I’d have a better response if you actually used the references properly because simply listing them at the bottom does not really fulfill the assignment. In fact, it makes it nearly impossible for the people reading your post to figure out where you got your information from: did you plagiarize it? did you make it up? is it paraphrased? No One Knows! Next time, use the references correctly. Geez, man, you’ve been writing for nearly 2 years now – if you don’t get it, you don’t need to be here. Sincerely, Fed-Up-With-Your-Lack-of-Understanding

At work:

Hi, Barbara. You see this nametag? The one that says “Boss”? Right, that means I do most of the work that gets you promoted, paid, and evaluated. That means someone had faith and confidence in my ability to lead you according to the mission. No, not the mission I made up one night in dreamland. The mission I swore to protect, a mission much bigger than we can probably imagine. So, if you could just get yourself in line, do as you’re instructed, and work your 4 hrs without fostering an environment of gossip, malicious intent, and otherwise workplace destruction, that would be really helpful to the mission and, frankly, to me. I don’t expect you to care about the same things I care about; however, if we could present a unified front, it would certainly make the day go by faster. Sincerely, The-One-in-Charge-of-Driving-this-Ship

Despite there being many other examples I could share here, it’s time I focus on something positive instead of complaining. Alas, it’s best the things I didn’t say remain unsaid. But there will definitely be a part dos. Wait for it.

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I ask you –

How quick are you to share your mind?

What would you want to say?

Please share some suggestions for holding my tongue.

(The post What I Wanted to Say first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Peace in your heart; Laughter on your lips

‭‭Isaiah 55:11 NIV‬‬
[11] so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

The Scripture above is Jesus speaking; however, what if we spoke with this in mind, that each time words exited our lips, we fully understood our words have power to speak life, or death, over others. In a society saturated with people speaking and giving opinions, sharing with intentional life isn’t as prevalent as one would hope.

Lately, I’ve struggled with focusing on one task. I’ve been pacing, mind racing from one thought to another, unable to keep up with the flood of to-do’s. For a moment, I considered maybe this was a late life onset of ADHD. I’ve heard sometimes anxiety is mistaken as ADHD and vice versa – what if that was true for me. But I think I’m just feeling the magnitude of ending the preliminary portion of the dissertation process and considering what the next year will look like. Somehow it’s already here, what seemed impossible in 2022 is now in its final stage. It’s difficult to wrap my mind around that truth.

Focus, Kel. Trying to soak in all the things before writing takes me away from it is unfathomable. However, I did attend a game night where I managed to win at Rock/Paper/Scissors. First try, no less. Yes, I’m bragging. Funnily, when it comes to competition Rock/Paper/Scissors – I always win. No lie. Well….I’ve won 2 “competition-style” matches, if you will. The first was for a third martini flight which I absolutely should not have had, mostly because I was already 8 martinis in and definitely did not need 4 more. Consequently, I don’t remember much about that night except winning the game for another flight. Weird.

Any Way – focus, will you – I won a Starbucks gift card to fund my coffee and winning habit. Not a bad night. And, of course, my name tag says Parts. And, of course, hers said Spare Parts. Because all we do is laugh together.

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I ask you –

What does peace in your heart look like to you?

Have you ever been on a winning streak?

Tell me about your favorite game! Spoons.

(The post Peace in your heart; Laughter on your lips first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Quit While Ahead, or whatever was said

It’s come to my attention that some of my posts lately have been lackluster and downright depressing. So, thank you to everyone who provided sound advice, a listening ear, and gentle patience while I navigated my mood. I love my job. But sometimes the people aspect of it is frustrating which causes me to enter a role I don’t always enjoy – being the voice of reason. Don’t laugh now.

In other news, I’m way ahead in this final course prior to entering the unique stage of the doctoral candidate. Unbeknownst to me, until you begin the dissertation process, you are considered a doctoral student, then when the dissertation courses begin, you transform into a doctoral candidate. Like a butterfly falling to its death. Yay me. As I have no idea what this process looks like, I’ll be sure to share my misery along the way.

Also, I agreed to coach an intramural volleyball team. Because I’m stupid. In my defense, it’s only twice a week for two months. The 2 months I’ll have begun the dissertation concept course. Details. I’m a master juggler, don’t you know. Funny thing is we had so many people interested in playing that we had to split the teams. I never expected enough interest to form one team, much less two.

Two teams: double the chance of winning! There is no quit – there is only win!

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I ask you –

Are you the voice of reason?

Do you have wildlife near your home?

Tell me about a time when you started something that went high and right.

(The post Quit While Ahead, or whatever was said first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Tired

The problem with “powering through” this final traditional course is that you (ahem, I) have failed to see the toll it’s taken on me. Like a slow burn, one may not notice the wick is gone until the candle goes out. When I’m taking it week by week, once I submit a paper, then I take a day of rest. With the power on always, it can be hard to see the light beginning to flicker. Until it goes dark. In taking strides to maximize my break before beginning the next course, to have 14 days off instead of 7, I just keep plowing ahead. And there are consequences for it.

Like the constant exhaustion. And the lack of restful sleep. Much like overtraining, it plagues me until I back off. And when I finally get a chance for uninterrupted sleep, it doesn’t feel like enough. My brain forgets to process the message that it needs to rest. Go to sleep, dammit! Hopefully by the time of this post, I’ll have realized it’s just a phase and sleep will have returned to a normal pattern. Or else I’ll have stayed up way too late to watch the Super Bowl. Priorities.

So instead of complaining, or continuing to complain, here’s a recent photo of mini with her ice cream cone. She gets it. Life is too short. Eat ice cream.

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I ask you –

Have you been struggling with sleep?

Do you tend to power through?

Favorite ice cream brand! Braums.

(The post Tired first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)