Standing Out

Blend in. Fit in. Don’t cause a scene. All things I grew up believing were the best way to survive and thrive. Do you want to know what I think now? So glad you asked. Screw that. It’s a virtual impossibility for me to blend in. I laugh too loud. I have opinions. I’m passionate, especially when I’m right. And I worked too effing hard to get where I’m at…fitting in didn’t get me here. Standing out did. I’m going to revel in it!

Right after I do exactly what my chair tells me to do and say because doctorate life. Do you know how difficult it is to write a data collection process when you haven’t collected any data? Of course you want to know. Really hard! Apparently “because it makes sense” doesn’t answer the question “Why are you doing interviews?” Who knew. Still, I plug along with the researching and the writing and the submitting.

Turns out I’m terrified of falling. I don’t mean from heights, although I am scared of that, too. Specifically, in volleyball. But just right now. My knees still aren’t fully healed so even when I wear knee pads, always, I’m not willing to fall. 1. Because I know it’s going to hurt some. 2. Because it can’t be great to continue damaging the bones/muscles behind my knees. I sort of wonder if that’s why my knee pain has progressively returned. Probably doesn’t help. And the foot pain has been out of control lately. Not only does the (primarily) right foot hurt but now the left foot is really screaming at me. I’ve been experimenting with different shoes during volleyball…alas, I’ve definitely learned what not to wear! I guess this is me finally committing to the surgery option in late 2025.

My newest addition to the workout lineup. No running! Cycling, as it happens, is minimal to no weight bearing and, also as it happens, turning out to be something I’m enjoying. Even if it isn’t my favorite sport, the no foot pain portion is definitely pulling me in.

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I ask you –

Do you blend in?

What question do you find yourself asking the most? Me: Why???

Tell me your favorite activity!

(The post Standing Out first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Impressive

Not only am I alive but I’m also creating models of decision making, which is mostly unbelievable seeing as the way I’ve lived my life thus far is one questionable decision after another. haHA

Random thought inline with the above – the dissertation process is working well. I don’t want to sound too confident but I put in more hours stressing those seemingly unconnected papers than I have in the past few weeks prepping this giant novel of a dissertation. Alas, I’m thankful I developed a very strict habit of waking early and focusing most evenings on writing. I read somewhere that even if you only wrote 250 words per day, the benefit at the end of a semester is immeasurable. Believe it. Sometimes my discipline is impressive, even to me, but now it’s such a habit, such an integral part of me that I don’t know any other way. Whether I like it or not, the paper continues to flesh out.

The weekly chats with my chair, although a scheduling challenge at times, are rewarding and I am always amazed at when the chat is over how much good information I’ve garnered from her. She is assuredly a blessing in my life. Speaking of amazing women, there’s an incredible woman in my life who will soon be 97. Ninety-seven years on planet Earth. She’s older than the (former) Queen. And, in my opinion, the most impressive woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of loving.

Updates coming soon as we visit her.

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I ask you –

What are your skills?

How do you feel about decision-making?

Tell me the age of the oldest living person in your life!

(The post Impressive first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Hear the Thoughts

I enjoy reading articles like this, 5 Popular Education Beliefs That Aren’t Backed by Research.

Specifically, the myth about reading aloud and the myth regarding music. I have my own experiences. As a kindergartner, yes, I remember this distinctly, I would get called out by “student teachers” aka older kids that were instructed to read to us younger ones, and teachers because of my inability to process what was being read to me. To this day, auditory is not my learning style. I learn by writing or reading. Clearly.

I also recall certain peers not doing well when it came to reading aloud and I always had this sense of disappointment it was a mandatory activity that promoted anxiety (although I didn’t know that feeling at the time) and frustration. For the music myth, I have found that when I’m doing a monotonous task like entering time card info, then background music (often, jazz or a coffee shop mix) is relaxing and motivating to me. However, I know other tasks, like budget reviews, etc., are absolutely not the time for me to be listening to music. Fascinating.

Credit via IG

Then there’s quotes that just resonate with everything inside me. Recently, my ear buds died prior to the run I’d had scheduled and was really looking forward to, so I ran sans music. Unheard of (get it, get it). Despite the midday timeframe, there was near silence all around me. No one speaking, no loud booms, just silence. Truly, it was exactly what I needed because nearly everyday is punctuated by noise, a constant sound cacophony of stuff. I won’t get started about how it’s typically loud in my head, but the silence of that run was absolute bliss.

Sometimes I just need to hear myself think.

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I ask you –

Did any myth surprise you?

Have you ever run in silence?

Tell me how often you charge your earbuds!

(The post Hear the Thoughts first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Embrace the Change

…”Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”…

Those are the questions to ask when considering situations in which the options are to speak up or be silent. Although not mutually exclusive, it seems the best way forward is to answer these questions affirmatively: otherwise, stay silent.

I was honored with the opportunity to listen to an older gentleman who shared his perspective of returning “home” to finalize the estate of his late mother. His military career has taken him far and wide, here and there, yet he was notably saddened and a little perturbed at mentioning his friends and family’s reactions to his brief, sporadic trips. His disdain for the commonly repeated phrase “you’ve changed” or “you never visit” or the constant demand for time and attention when he returns without an offer to ever repeat the gesture was tangible. Somewhere during this conversation it struck me that these encounters happen no matter your age, status, or socioeconomic status. You will change. You should. And there will be people who only know how to take what you can give. So surround yourself with people who recognize the change… and embrace it.

Often I set myself up for disappointment when my expectations surpass ability. I know I’ve mentioned this same issue countless times but it plagues me. The latest example is not feeling satisfied with the small portion of my literature review due in a few weeks. I want to include passion, the emotions it elicits, the “me” of this research. But that’s not the goal. It should be straightforward, a masterpiece of regurgitation of others’ research. Why is it so hard? Because everything I do is laced with the excellence I expect of myself. 110%. Every time. No excuses. And somehow what keeps me going is also my biggest flaw.

In other news, I finished that literature review. To my knowledge, it’s exactly what they were looking for. Was it painful? Mostly yes. But I make easy things difficult for a living.

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I ask you –

Do you find silence difficult to achieve?

Are you aging with mischief?

Name something you always make so much more difficult than it has to be. I’d like to answer for mini: bedtime routine.

(The post Embrace the Change first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Photos and Minimal Explanations

Why do they keep tempting me?!

Spring is my favorite!

We’re 4-0!

L -> R: Jordan, Beth, Sam, Brittany, me, April, and Roland (not pictured: Jarrod and Tina)

First, Parts got me addicted to Starbucks frappes. Now, we’ve progressed to HTeaO. The unsweetened coconut tea is divine.

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I ask you –

Will you try the newest Blue Bell ice cream?

What is your least favorite flavor?

You can only pick one: unsweetened tea or coffee. You already know…

(The post Photos and Minimal Explanations first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Another Miscalculation!

I’ll do my best at this analogy – a PhD is somewhere between childbirth and the stomach bug…very exciting but makes you very nauseous. In keeping (mostly) with my tradition of not looking ahead at courses because hello, nauseous I realized some time ago that I wasn’t doing myself any favors and probably should plan more for what’s ahead. Control the controllables and all that. And it worked out.

Taking my new bag from The Note Bags with me!

Then, it came to a point where I needed to repeat the looking ahead process and I got a little shocked when I believed I would be completing the actual fieldwork part of this research next Spring (a year from now). Instead, I will spend the summer writing the lit review (which is actually great timing) and the fall is dedicated to the research and methods portion. Great, I was an entire season off in my calculations. Sure, it sounds like no big deal, why stress when we haven’t even made it through spring yet much less summer. But that’s what I do. I stress!

I know for sure I’m going to the border. Despite some who have attempted to talk me out of it, that’s where my research will take me. Surely my limited, rusty Spanish, sarcasm, and wit will keep me out of trouble and prevent inadvertent kidnappings. I talk too much to be a valuable asset. This is why…border communities are stigmatized. Much to my point of going there!

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I ask you –

Have you heard of The Note Bags?

What are your stress levels like? 30. Minimum.

Go ahead – give me your best safety advice.

(The post Another Miscalculation! first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Lofty Goals

I seriously overestimated my ability to complete a 40 source annotated bibliography during spring break. It’s not that I couldn’t do it, it was entirely manageable, but I encountered some unexpected issues that prevented me from completion. First, the Internet was undergoing prolonged maintenance. As we use a local company, the customer service is incredible but sometimes things take longer than a conglomerate company with billions of dollars at its disposal. Then, our birthday happened, aka making evening plans in lieu of writing. Finally, I’m still figuring out how to navigate volleyball games with my ideal writing schedule. Luckily, this was a late game which theoretically meant I could write pre-game. Instead, I spent that time getting ready for said game, getting mini ready for said game, and doing all the things I would normally do before bedtime (remember, late game). Alas, the excuses are rampant.

All the food I ate on my birthday, minus some incredible nachos and probably a few other things is above. It was pretty yummy!

Pretty sure I’ve forgotten to share here how I gave up Gummies on Jan 1st and haven’t returned. I realized that my game play was becoming a slight problem, my productivity wavered, and I wondered if I could truly commit to quitting. Based on how the first several days went, I think I may have been addicted. Seriously. My fingers automatically went to the app each time I picked up my phone, I was severely tempted to play out of boredom, out of response, out of habit. Fortunately during that time, there was plenty to do around the house and it might have been the most productive period, partially due to the school break but also in a concentrated effort to forego Gummies. Sometimes I still get the urge to open it up and play “for a minute” – but I know about addictive tendencies and “a minute” will stretch into hours. Be strong!

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I ask you –

Have you ever set any lofty goals?

Do you overindulge on your birthday? Every time.

On a scale of 1 to Rick Roll’d – did you think believe I’d ever quit Gummies?

(The post Lofty Goals first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Research

A few questions: How to be informed? What does that mean to people?

Another question: Where do people get their news?

Thoughts: Terms like gaslighting and narcissism are incredibly overused. I don’t think people even know what these mean anymore (or at all). How are we a society of wannabe psychologists?

Reflection on the past course: the way the discussion board posts go makes me question humanity. Careless mistakes, incorrect references, ridiculous replies…these are the people who run organizations? Who will be called Dr? Help us. They can’t write a full sentence. Someone used my full name to address me in such a way I’m fairly certain my great great grandmother wrote it. It’s a discussion, not a formal letter!

Women who grow up with tumultuous relationships with their mothers develop into one of two types of adult women: 1) those that seek other women who mother them or 2) those that become the mothers to other women. I navigated this relationship with my best friend, never really understanding why it was like that. We both had/have difficult maternal relationships so we weren’t able to grow in our relationship together until we each became a mother. Now, we analyze it in many of our individual friendships. Thus far, it holds true.

I read an article about redeeming your dreams and how they never end until you give up on them. This next course had me questioning my dreams, if only for a brief moment. So I cried for a minute and picked myself back up with the help of my most encouraging people. Giving up on my dream is not an option. But sometimes doubt creeps in, tells you it’s too hard, and makes you question your abilities. And that’s ok, for a second. I’m only human. I just keep telling myself the finish line isn’t that far away and hundreds of other people have managed to make it to this stage – so who am I to doubt myself.

My dissertation is only a small portion of the things I’d like to study, even though I swore I was 1 and done on the massive scale of writing anything. But there’s so much more to find out! Back to the research…

P.S. today is Spare Part’s birthday. She’s getting old.

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I ask you –

When was the last time you went to a book fair?

Are you in the “I must mother everyone!” or “Where is my mother?” stage?

Share something you’re interested in researching or would like to know the answer to.

(The post Research first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Out Late

Recently, there was a conversation about party tricks. As people began to answer, I thought to myself “We’re supposed to have a trick?! The trick is I showed up to the party. I am the trick!” Weird.

I like to change my TEAMS message to outrageous, completed unassociated with work responses. For example, some of my best have referred to running, wearing “das boot”, having no friends, being confused, pacing in my office, etc. You get the drift. I probably field at least one question a week regarding my status and what it means. Usually I have no idea aka I don’t remember what I was talking about so it’s fun to speculate.

When I’m bored in the office (please don’t mistaken that for having nothing to do because I absolutely have things that need to be done), I send a text in the group chat with some off-the-wall thing about how I have to do all the work myself and when are you guys gonna show up and fine, you all hate me. I’m a riot! Interestingly, I get a really quick response to my randomness, unlike when I’m barking orders or have something important I need. Who knew.

Finally, this is my last week “off” until December. And I’m uncertain what that break even looks like because then I’ll be prepping to begin the travel/interview research process. I’m not concerned with taking time off work – I have tons of that but the constant in the trenches part of this feels like a lot. To be expected. Perhaps I should stay up late every night to take back control.

Or continue to get up early. Seize the day.

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I ask you –

Do you have a party trick? What is it?

How often do you stay out late?

Tell me your plans this week!

(The post Out Late first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

What I Wanted to Say

In the discussion post assignments:

Hi, Scooter. I’d have a better response if you actually used the references properly because simply listing them at the bottom does not really fulfill the assignment. In fact, it makes it nearly impossible for the people reading your post to figure out where you got your information from: did you plagiarize it? did you make it up? is it paraphrased? No One Knows! Next time, use the references correctly. Geez, man, you’ve been writing for nearly 2 years now – if you don’t get it, you don’t need to be here. Sincerely, Fed-Up-With-Your-Lack-of-Understanding

At work:

Hi, Barbara. You see this nametag? The one that says “Boss”? Right, that means I do most of the work that gets you promoted, paid, and evaluated. That means someone had faith and confidence in my ability to lead you according to the mission. No, not the mission I made up one night in dreamland. The mission I swore to protect, a mission much bigger than we can probably imagine. So, if you could just get yourself in line, do as you’re instructed, and work your 4 hrs without fostering an environment of gossip, malicious intent, and otherwise workplace destruction, that would be really helpful to the mission and, frankly, to me. I don’t expect you to care about the same things I care about; however, if we could present a unified front, it would certainly make the day go by faster. Sincerely, The-One-in-Charge-of-Driving-this-Ship

Despite there being many other examples I could share here, it’s time I focus on something positive instead of complaining. Alas, it’s best the things I didn’t say remain unsaid. But there will definitely be a part dos. Wait for it.

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I ask you –

How quick are you to share your mind?

What would you want to say?

Please share some suggestions for holding my tongue.

(The post What I Wanted to Say first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)