Leadership 101

A few forgotten things about leadership:

The potential you see in others means nothing without their buy-in. If they don’t want it for themselves, it’s a brutal lesson in futility. Yours.
You will spend more time at work than with your own family over the course of a lifetime. Best love what you do. And surround yourself with the right people.
Do not expect others to care the way you do. Alternately, you may not care the way they do. It’s ok.
It weighs a lot because it is insanely lonely at the top. The sleepless nights, the fights with other decision makers, the balance never found. You probably won’t have any friends and, if you do, watch out for perception. I am not inclined.

A lovely friend sent me the following graphic after she proudly exclaimed how I had “grown a pair”.

What she does not realize is for every day my “pair” swings, I have just as many softer moments, where I’m reminded to fight the good fight means not acting like a complete arsehole and picking my battles. Forever, a work in progress.

________________

I ask you –

What is your toughest leadership challenge?

(The post Leadership 101 first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

All Work, No Pay

In preparation for the seemingly imminent government shutdown, I made a list of things to catch up on at work sans the pesky emails.

Take it slow. As the past month has been fraught with concert logistics, budget planning, lack of budget planning, personnel issues, and everything in between, I needed a mental break.
Inventory. Originally, this was the first item on the list, but the break was more important. We’re due for an inventory inspection in January, so why not use the time ensuring everything is in place.
Filing. Bane of my existence. For a society which prides itself on digital minutia, why do we still have so many paper copies? I get why, just let me complain.
Scour the facilities for incomplete work orders.

On day 1, I took the first task with complete seriousness. “No hurry” was my motto because, forgive me, I was not in a rush to work for free. Working for the government has not been the cake walk I was assured it would be. In fact, the only cake I’ve had was purchased for me by me! And I still forgot the fork!

I did not wear these to work

It’s hard not to be resentful during this time. I’m doing all the work and still not getting paid. If I was furloughed, I could go home, not work, not get paid, and still get the same payment on the back end.

________________

I ask you –

Who else is working without pay right now and wants to gripe with me?

(The post All Work, No Pay first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

People doing people things

Like testing your boundaries.

Like questioning consequences.

Like making you look like the villian.

Like reminding you there are times of lean and times of plenty.

Air Force Families Forever/Run to Remember 5k

But through it all, there are people who have lost more than their share of joy. Yet, amazingly, they continue smiling, standing, and supporting. Thank you, Ron and Kaye, for reminding me why I do this. It’s been exceptionally hard the past few weeks. But I’ll keep fighting the good fight.

Judgment toward others is the same scale which will eventually weigh you. How heavy is the gossip, the anger, the self-righteous? People being people.

____________________

I ask you –

What people things have occurred to you?

(The post People doing people things first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Futbol

The return of running. And football. Mostly football.

First time in 3 years I’ve been able to watch preseason games AND regular games, notably the first game of the season! I’m an accidental Cowboys fan, and a purposeful Texans fan. I also watch the Bears (muse homage), the Buccs (wild card), and the Browns (underdog meets graveyard). I don’t know why I enjoy football now. Truthfully, my knowledge is little and my voice loud.

Speaking of loud voices. I’m getting really tired of hearing “…it’s stupid to have people work on holidays. I bet the boss doesn’t work on holidays”. (Read that in a childlike, nasally, whining voice.) If the complainer would ever say it to my face, I’d say this: Listen here, jackwagon. I worked every weekend and holiday until about 5 years ago. I had bills to pay and a livelihood to afford. If someone doesn’t want to work a holiday, then they can complete a leave request, like every other able-bodied adult here because I don’t employ children. Somehow I bet you’d be angry if everyone was off because there would be no one around to refill your precious body soap dispenser and toilet paper. Trust me, you’d find something else to complain about, no doubt. So if you think I don’t work holidays, let me assure you, I do. I work every day. I’m the first call at 0445 and the last call at 2145. I’m on call 24/7. That’s what it means to be a supervisor to 21 adults. I balance the budget, I justify it, and I implement it. And if you think you can do better, then be. my. guest. Otherwise, shut up, do your little workout, and go home. I’ll be home, too, but I won’t be “off work”. Enjoy your holiday, you ungrateful fruitcake.

Back to football. The cowboys are really gonna have to get it together this year. The fact they didn’t win their season opener with a healed QB, the ejection of the big dude who spit, the early injury of that other big dude who was really mad, and a weather delay…we might be in trouble again. But, whatever.

I’m just here to make fun of the fans.

_____________________

I ask you –

Which team do you cheer for?

(The post Futbol first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Lifetime Immunity to Accountability

Managing one’s expectations is a sincere request. However, in order to accomplish this, it requires removing all emotion. Emotion clouds rational thinking. Further, I believe this may be nearly impossible for many because they don’t know what their expectations are! It’s difficult to manage something you don’t understand, or don’t know what the phrase means, much less requires to attain.

Example (paraphrased from actual conversation, all names removed to protect the innocent)

A man spent several years in and out of the hospital with his dying spouse. Suffice to say it was not a daily journey, but probably more inpatient as the illness progressed. He became bitter to the church he attended as no pastoral leadership ever called, came by, etc. This turned him off to big churches, and now he attends a presumably much smaller church. He made mention of great tithing to the previous church yet also conceded this should not mean anything (his mention implies the opposite).

I heard the following expectations: I am hurt, I want to be chased/noticed, I want my giving acknowledged, I am upset for not being contacted during this rough period in my life.

Let’s break this down further.

Anger towards a team of 5 (??) when I find it unlikely other churchgoers were not inquiring. I bet they were but because a select few did not, then anger expanded to everyone. Reality: pastoral leadership teams are human and cannot be reasonably expected to contact every single person in the church. If that’s the expectation, then you’ll most likely be disappointed. However, the body of the church, the very people who attend, step in and step up to help others. Being noticed is not necessarily from a leadership perspective. You can find peace in being noticed by peers.

Let’s shift the expectation.

Did you ask for help and were rejected? Did you share your struggles with others? Did you name your needs? Perhaps you’re hurt by what you didn’t get rather than noticing what was given. If this is your expectation, then some soul searching may be a great idea.

Tithing: it was clearly stated how the man gave generously. Somehow I bet he put his name all over that envelope, aligning with the desire to be noticed. Granted, there are other reasons to include the name – tax write off, proof of spending, etc. But to bring it up in the course of this conversation implies a pronounced expectation that a tithing church member should receive extra benefits. Does this mean the ones who do not give are lower on the list of salvation? Surely not. Admittedly, the man stated it should not matter yet it obviously did to him. An angry man doth not a cheerful tither make.

Expectation shift.

Give because you want to. Give because you can. Giving out of coercion, guilt, or the intentional or unintentional desire to gain something later is manipulative. If money is the problem, give time, give encouragement, give a helping hand. If you think dollar bills get you closer to God, you probably have a very wrong opinion of Him.

No one is immune to doing the right thing. There’s no blanket pass, or unlimited cards which will condone indecent behavior. Just be a good human, and study the word “expectations”. Then apply it.

_____________________

I ask you –

What does expectations and the management of them mean to you?

(The post Lifetime Immunity to Accountability first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Coming out of the fog

Probably not a fully accurate title because, hello, brain fog. Although I do think it has gotten better. I’ve found if I pause a second longer and try not to be too hard on myself, then the full sentence comes with less effort. I’m also considering just acting as if I don’t know the English word by asking ¿Como se dice….(Insert thrown together syllables with a mild Spanish accent) in English? Really butcher both languages so everyone is as confused as your mental wiring.

What was the point? Oh right, Kel. The fog. It is a new feeling being fully present for mini’s return to school. I feel as if I unintentionally missed many small details due to being engrossed in my own academic journey. This is the first year in 3 I have not been navigating school when mini started back. Sadly, I don’t think I enjoyed her excitement as much as I could/should have previously because I was stressed about my own.

4th grade

On the drive to school, I asked mini what she wanted to be for Halloween. She was just as surprised as I was considering an event so far down the road pun intended. Last year, I couldn’t fathom anything beyond the following week. Now look at me! My mind was already in October!

Also, the brain vitamins sucked. Nothing new beyond a possible, mild placebo effect. Guess I have to do this brain fog thing au naturel. Copious lists and como se dice’s.

_____________________

I ask you –

How is the brain fog treating you? Or do we just call it forgetfulness and attribute it to old age?

(The post Coming out of the fog first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Back on my….

Scene

Parts, the Passenger Seat Princess, yelling at the truck in front of us while we’re merging onto a road where other drivers are merging in the opposite lanes: “It’s a yield sign, not a stop sign!”

Me: “Those people (referencing the ones on the other side) aren’t going to yield.”

Parts: “Well, if you just whip over in front of them, they will!”

Me: ….. -↓

I promptly removed my spare key from her purse. I think her driving privileges should be revoked.

___________________

I ask you –

What asinine advice have you been given?

(The post Back on my… first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Defining Moments

I am sure everyone has small, unsuspecting yet defining moments to reference who/why they are the way they are. The title came to me when considering mini’s recent dance recital. Subsequent thoughts traversed from her love of dance and performing arts to my lack thereof. Instead, I thought back to a moment where I stood on a makeshift stage, speech in hand, ready to convince my entire middle school I deserved to be elected into the student council. I recall spending days forming my speech and reading it to my dad. It was good. If I do say so myself.

But after 2 students ahead of me, listening to their brief and not entirely convincing schpill, I second guessed myself. When it was my turn, I said my name, said please elect me, and quickly exited. Talk about disappointment. When my name was not called for the electees, it was no big surprise. But it was at that moment I knew I would not minimize myself again for something I truly wanted.

Hip Hop

Fast forward. A singular moment in time shaped me. Just as you, loyal readers, have similar (or vastly different) experiences, these moments shape, erode, and refine. It’s fascinating how one experience can have lifelong effects. Mini will seemingly always love dance. She’s good at it, and if dancing doesn’t take her where she wants to be, assuredly her sass will.

Credit: IG

_________________

I ask you –

Share a time you didn’t bring your A-game.

(The post Defining Moments first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Fighting the good fight

Today, the day got the best of me. I felt no emotion in a situation where I probably should have. I know it was there before. But today? No dice.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/5-criteria-exceptional-work-ethic-april-donovan

Occasionally I attend self-care and self-help type presentations. Or I give them. Something I like to mention are the effects of mental load. Most people are familiar with Newton’s something or other law about pressure and load and force, etc. The same applies to humans. The mental load of caring for, disciplining, and explaining life to other humans is remarkably taxing on the mind.

For example, making a grocery list. First, come up with meal ideas. Then, write those down. Next, consider what ingredients to purchase for those meals. But, first, find out what ingredients are already on hand. Scratch out, rewrite, repeat. This is a smaller mental load than, for example, disciplining employees. It’s no wonder the Facebook guru dude only wears blue shirts and jeans. Less mental load!

https://neurosciencenews.com/moms-mental-load-28244/

Before any other parents or parenting partners get their feelings hurt (I do the laundry, I cook!), yes, typically, mothers carry the heaviest mental load. Maybe it’s by default, maybe it’s the natural order of life, I’m not a doctor of that stuff. What I can say is the stress of being responsible for child-related tasks is more of a motherly duty.

All this to make a point about mental load in the workplace, especially for those with supervisory roles, balancing employees’ needs with the mission’s needs. Some days I offer feedback to adults acting like children, and some days I escape the day unscathed, with most of my sanity still intact. And on the roughest days, no matter the dazed and confused look I carry for hours, the next day brings renewed joy and hope to fight the good fight.

Some people are caretakers. Some are takers. The mental load finds balance where it can.

_________________

I ask you –

Before this post, had you heard of mental load?

How often do you consider the load of mundane tasks?

Which are you: caretaker or taker.

(The post Fighting the good fight first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Get(ting) Over It.

That’s what my knee feels like inside. A fireplace! Just when I think it’s gotten better or I haven’t noticed any pain, here it comes, out of the blue. Ready to wreck my day. 13 weeks of fireworks inside there. This is so much fun.

On the drive to the island, we stopped at the Czech Stop in West, Texas, home of the most amazing cinnamon roll I’ve ever had. The lovely employees warmed it up, handed it to me wrapped in wax paper, and gave us a stack of napkins. I inhaled it in about 0.79 seconds. I’m still thinking about that cinnamon roll.

You know those people who, just the very sound of their voice, makes you angry? I know one of them. In fact, my words are I’d rather cut the grass with my teeth than have a conversation with them. But you know what? So glad you asked. Here they come, trying to have conversations with me, ahem…need something. I’ve been known to walk the other direction, taking the looooong way home, to avoid conflict, I mean conversation. Grudge much.

Grief is an interesting thing. It finally happened, the voice I had been waiting on, my very own Jiminy Cricket, if you will, spoke these words: Get Over It. Suddenly, I realized I had been living in anger the past few months, unwilling to accept it might still be grief. Sure, I said it on RoF, I was dealing with grief, but I hadn’t fully addressed it. It was shrouded in anger, anger never expressed, anger I believed would mask the grief. No, child. Not only did I experience the entirety of anger, but I still had to navigate grief, too. Seems unfair. If only I had recognized it for what it was, an additional emotion vice a substitute. 30 years is a long time to grieve. And an even longer time to hold on to anger.

Get over it, Kel. I did/am/will/continue to.

_______________

I ask you –

Do you prefer real wood or the pre-made logs in your fireplace?

Which is the best: the middle or the outside of a cinnamon roll? Middle. Always.

Share something you’re working to get over.

(The post Get(ting) Over It. first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)