Out Late

Recently, there was a conversation about party tricks. As people began to answer, I thought to myself “We’re supposed to have a trick?! The trick is I showed up to the party. I am the trick!” Weird.

I like to change my TEAMS message to outrageous, completed unassociated with work responses. For example, some of my best have referred to running, wearing “das boot”, having no friends, being confused, pacing in my office, etc. You get the drift. I probably field at least one question a week regarding my status and what it means. Usually I have no idea aka I don’t remember what I was talking about so it’s fun to speculate.

When I’m bored in the office (please don’t mistaken that for having nothing to do because I absolutely have things that need to be done), I send a text in the group chat with some off-the-wall thing about how I have to do all the work myself and when are you guys gonna show up and fine, you all hate me. I’m a riot! Interestingly, I get a really quick response to my randomness, unlike when I’m barking orders or have something important I need. Who knew.

Finally, this is my last week “off” until December. And I’m uncertain what that break even looks like because then I’ll be prepping to begin the travel/interview research process. I’m not concerned with taking time off work – I have tons of that but the constant in the trenches part of this feels like a lot. To be expected. Perhaps I should stay up late every night to take back control.

Or continue to get up early. Seize the day.

_________________

I ask you –

Do you have a party trick? What is it?

How often do you stay out late?

Tell me your plans this week!

(The post Out Late first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

What I Wanted to Say

In the discussion post assignments:

Hi, Scooter. I’d have a better response if you actually used the references properly because simply listing them at the bottom does not really fulfill the assignment. In fact, it makes it nearly impossible for the people reading your post to figure out where you got your information from: did you plagiarize it? did you make it up? is it paraphrased? No One Knows! Next time, use the references correctly. Geez, man, you’ve been writing for nearly 2 years now – if you don’t get it, you don’t need to be here. Sincerely, Fed-Up-With-Your-Lack-of-Understanding

At work:

Hi, Barbara. You see this nametag? The one that says “Boss”? Right, that means I do most of the work that gets you promoted, paid, and evaluated. That means someone had faith and confidence in my ability to lead you according to the mission. No, not the mission I made up one night in dreamland. The mission I swore to protect, a mission much bigger than we can probably imagine. So, if you could just get yourself in line, do as you’re instructed, and work your 4 hrs without fostering an environment of gossip, malicious intent, and otherwise workplace destruction, that would be really helpful to the mission and, frankly, to me. I don’t expect you to care about the same things I care about; however, if we could present a unified front, it would certainly make the day go by faster. Sincerely, The-One-in-Charge-of-Driving-this-Ship

Despite there being many other examples I could share here, it’s time I focus on something positive instead of complaining. Alas, it’s best the things I didn’t say remain unsaid. But there will definitely be a part dos. Wait for it.

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I ask you –

How quick are you to share your mind?

What would you want to say?

Please share some suggestions for holding my tongue.

(The post What I Wanted to Say first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Peace in your heart; Laughter on your lips

‭‭Isaiah 55:11 NIV‬‬
[11] so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

The Scripture above is Jesus speaking; however, what if we spoke with this in mind, that each time words exited our lips, we fully understood our words have power to speak life, or death, over others. In a society saturated with people speaking and giving opinions, sharing with intentional life isn’t as prevalent as one would hope.

Lately, I’ve struggled with focusing on one task. I’ve been pacing, mind racing from one thought to another, unable to keep up with the flood of to-do’s. For a moment, I considered maybe this was a late life onset of ADHD. I’ve heard sometimes anxiety is mistaken as ADHD and vice versa – what if that was true for me. But I think I’m just feeling the magnitude of ending the preliminary portion of the dissertation process and considering what the next year will look like. Somehow it’s already here, what seemed impossible in 2022 is now in its final stage. It’s difficult to wrap my mind around that truth.

Focus, Kel. Trying to soak in all the things before writing takes me away from it is unfathomable. However, I did attend a game night where I managed to win at Rock/Paper/Scissors. First try, no less. Yes, I’m bragging. Funnily, when it comes to competition Rock/Paper/Scissors – I always win. No lie. Well….I’ve won 2 “competition-style” matches, if you will. The first was for a third martini flight which I absolutely should not have had, mostly because I was already 8 martinis in and definitely did not need 4 more. Consequently, I don’t remember much about that night except winning the game for another flight. Weird.

Any Way – focus, will you – I won a Starbucks gift card to fund my coffee and winning habit. Not a bad night. And, of course, my name tag says Parts. And, of course, hers said Spare Parts. Because all we do is laugh together.

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I ask you –

What does peace in your heart look like to you?

Have you ever been on a winning streak?

Tell me about your favorite game! Spoons.

(The post Peace in your heart; Laughter on your lips first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

I Should Have Known

…when watching any show with mini, she narrates, talks over, answers, and yells incessantly at the television in a loud, expert know-it-all voice. It’s maddening. And I cannot focus on her voice and the television because too many sounds make me anxious. My only thought is I should have known.

a brief quiet moment

addicted to Axolotls

…it’s lonely at the top. Being the go-to, advocating for others, and making judgment calls requires a strong heart. So when others encourage me to take time off, to recharge, to get away from the office, it means I should heed their words. And the relief I get from the escape is a reminder I should have known.

_____________________

I ask you –

Is it even true that there’s things we should know before encountering them?

How often do you take time off?

Tell me your favorite way to relax!

(The post I Should Have Known first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Quit While Ahead, or whatever was said

It’s come to my attention that some of my posts lately have been lackluster and downright depressing. So, thank you to everyone who provided sound advice, a listening ear, and gentle patience while I navigated my mood. I love my job. But sometimes the people aspect of it is frustrating which causes me to enter a role I don’t always enjoy – being the voice of reason. Don’t laugh now.

In other news, I’m way ahead in this final course prior to entering the unique stage of the doctoral candidate. Unbeknownst to me, until you begin the dissertation process, you are considered a doctoral student, then when the dissertation courses begin, you transform into a doctoral candidate. Like a butterfly falling to its death. Yay me. As I have no idea what this process looks like, I’ll be sure to share my misery along the way.

Also, I agreed to coach an intramural volleyball team. Because I’m stupid. In my defense, it’s only twice a week for two months. The 2 months I’ll have begun the dissertation concept course. Details. I’m a master juggler, don’t you know. Funny thing is we had so many people interested in playing that we had to split the teams. I never expected enough interest to form one team, much less two.

Two teams: double the chance of winning! There is no quit – there is only win!

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I ask you –

Are you the voice of reason?

Do you have wildlife near your home?

Tell me about a time when you started something that went high and right.

(The post Quit While Ahead, or whatever was said first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Running and stuff

Getting closer to 20 mile weeks is such a blessing in my life.

Running: I’m loving the Altra’s and Flux shoes – my toes appear to be splayed appropriately and gasp I’ve had minimal pain. Definitely see the value in stopping running altogether for 6 weeks even if that stupid boot irritated me. I’m still taking maximum doses of Vitamin D to support bone health, can’t hurt.

For a long weekend, I made it to my favorite running place, the lake loop. Just kidding! This section was reserved for sharing how I got in a fabulous speed session around my go-to lake spot, but the weather was not cooperative. It went from 60° one day to 50° the next with a 30° wind chill. Alas, no run at all was accomplished. However, it will…soon!

Stuff: There’s 2 kinds of meetings I like: 1) meetings at coffee shops or ones that somehow include the expectation there will be coffee and 2) meetings I have coined the “Walk & Talk”, preferably when it’s gorgeous outside. Clearly, I just like coffee, and walking.

Other stuff: Mini continuously tries to give me makeup tutorials. I think she’s telling me something. Then, she steals my eyeliner which I have this massive rule about not sharing makeup. Alas, I have since purchased her own eyeliner. Again.

________________________

I ask you –

How’s training for anything or nothing going?

Is your weather typical for February? The trees have started blooming from the unseasonably warm weather. Spring will be rough.

Tell me your preferred meeting venue!

(The post Running and stuff first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Biggest Fan

Cinnamon brings heaven to the thoughts, for that sweet spice somehow is part of my soul. Perhaps through some good memory that sits in my dreaming brain, a memory without words that sparks joy from its scent. – Angela Abraham, @daisydescriptionari, March 18, 2021

For some time, I thought my favorite coffee was defunct because I couldn’t find it at any of the usual grocery stores. I may have panicked a little. So when I saw the Starbucks Brown Sugar Cinnamon, I was somewhat relieved that maybe I had found an alternative. It’s good albeit slightly more expensive than what I was purchasing. However, it appears to just have been a supply chain issue because I can order my favorite from Amazon, and surely it will return to store shelves eventually. Surely.

Blue Bell has always been one of my favorite ice cream brands. Yes, I know I wrote in a previous post that Braums was my favorite; however, I only rank it slightly above Blue Bell due to the extra creamy texture. Blue Bell is like my childhood sweetheart – never forgotten, classic, a part of my DNA. I’m not sure who created the Cinnamon Twist flavor, but I want to kiss them while simultaneously beating them with a big stick. It’s somewhere between a churro and the ooey gooey incredible middle of a cinnamon roll. I ate so much it made me very sick yet (as many of you know, I balance the non-keto world in terms of “is it worth the headache and migraine symptoms”) it was decidedly, unequivocally, do it all over again WORTH IT. It was so worth it that I have managed to turn most conversations regarding benign things into a discussion about how amazing it is. Trust me, I make it really weird.

Now, I shall return to work or writing papers or whatever I’m supposed to be doing whilst daydreaming about coffee and ice cream. Affogato, anyone?

____________________

I ask you –

Do you enjoy cinnamon-flavored things?

Have you tried Blue Bell’s Cinnamon Twist ice cream?

Tell me your favorite flavor, of anything!

(The post Biggest Fan first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Purely Complicated

Backstory: A lovely woman asked me if I eat clean, presumably due to last year’s 30 lb weight loss. I explained it wasn’t necessarily “clean” but I do eat keto because it helps with migraine management.

The rest of the story: I began to consider what “clean” actually means. A clean lifestyle, specifically. It made me wonder if those who live clean, with a clear conscience, a gentle heart, a desire to help others, to make a difference, a manageable amount of stress, etc. live longer than others. Or have a different type of dynamic life.

As I began to consider my choices, decisions, and goals and then compare them to what weighs on me…I decidedly do not live a clean life. Perhaps this is why some things are arguably tougher than other things. Although I’ve always said the only person who has to sleep with your decisions is you, somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Somewhere I heard the following quote: “The potential you see in others is a reflection of your values, not theirs”. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – disappointment is the hardest emotion to process because it’s innately personal to lift someone up to what you see in them but not feel devastated when it doesn’t go the way you envision. Disappointment is a complicated feeling.

__________________

I ask you –

What does clean mean to you?

Do you agree regarding the quote about potential?

Happy Love Day! Hope it’s filled with overpriced chocolate and flowers.

(The post Purely Complicated first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Tired

The problem with “powering through” this final traditional course is that you (ahem, I) have failed to see the toll it’s taken on me. Like a slow burn, one may not notice the wick is gone until the candle goes out. When I’m taking it week by week, once I submit a paper, then I take a day of rest. With the power on always, it can be hard to see the light beginning to flicker. Until it goes dark. In taking strides to maximize my break before beginning the next course, to have 14 days off instead of 7, I just keep plowing ahead. And there are consequences for it.

Like the constant exhaustion. And the lack of restful sleep. Much like overtraining, it plagues me until I back off. And when I finally get a chance for uninterrupted sleep, it doesn’t feel like enough. My brain forgets to process the message that it needs to rest. Go to sleep, dammit! Hopefully by the time of this post, I’ll have realized it’s just a phase and sleep will have returned to a normal pattern. Or else I’ll have stayed up way too late to watch the Super Bowl. Priorities.

So instead of complaining, or continuing to complain, here’s a recent photo of mini with her ice cream cone. She gets it. Life is too short. Eat ice cream.

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I ask you –

Have you been struggling with sleep?

Do you tend to power through?

Favorite ice cream brand! Braums.

(The post Tired first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Which reminds me –

There was a whole week it seemed of rain and gloom and doom skies, followed by a whole week (now 2) of sunshine and nearly Spring-like temperatures. It was glorious! Obviously I took every opportunity to be outside, even if it was walking to random places to visit people I had no business with. Some of them I didn’t even know. Which reminds me – when I’m running outdoors during work hours, I realized I know at least one person at nearly every building; therefore, I know where the closest bathrooms are. This is important stuff!

Anyway, I got in several runs, even a 5k to round out January which is incredibly surprising since I only got cleared to run approx. 12 days before the end of the month. I barely made it. At Which reminds me – I’ve also completed a February 5k (via the walk and talk method…how I prefer to do business). Hopefully by the time of this post I’ve been able to get in at least 1 more run. The goal thus far is to run 3x/week. Some days I also do a strength workout, some days I’m extremely exhausted.

Which reminds me – intramural volleyball starts in March and our team is slowly taking shape. I declined participation; instead, I’ll function as assistant coach because our coach will be playing. I just didn’t think it was my best idea to play so soon after being told I could run. One or the other, Kel. I do play during the week and that’s good enough for me. However, I’m torn between trying out for the team just to prove I could play (and be selected) if I wanted to…or not trying out at all because I have nothing to prove.

This course is going swimmingly well. I’m more than halfway through – the grades are very slow coming in but I just keep writing until I get sick of it then hit submit. Thankfully, qualitative analysis is much better than quantitative analysis. For me anyway. The school auto enrolled me in the pre-dissertation course set to start late March. Which reminds me – if I want to have a full blown panic attack, probably best to do it before then because after that date it’s game on. So, essentially, there’s about 11 weeks remaining until I have to figure out my life and begin this whole “doctoral candidate” stuff. Student. Candidate. Whatever.

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I ask you –

What’s the weather like where you are located? Actual winter or summer?

Do you know where the nearest restrooms are?

Tell me something you’re reminded of!

(The post Which reminds me – first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)