This May Not Be For Everyone

Disclaimer: this post may not be for everyone but, as I’m uber inclusive, read at your own peril.

It amazes me every single month how far removed I am from understanding my body. I get the basics, the ins and outs, the birds and the bees, all that. But somehow after having a monthly cycle for nearly 3 decades – 3 whole decades! – I still can’t get it right. I either “forget” it’s almost that time and am entirely unprepared OR I suddenly can’t calculate how often I’ll need to go to the restroom. And, my personal favorite, is when my body does this stupid switcharoo crap, like oh you should probably change your tampon around the hour 4 mark, then the next time it should have been hour 1 and I had zero warning. So there I am – bleeding out in the bathroom, trying not to pass out, frantically using every last brain cell to navigate how to make it to the shower or a change of clothes or bed…just so we can do this again in a few hours. This is really so much fun.

Let’s not forget how truly exciting it is to pee on your tampon string because they make that thing so short. Then it’s gross and wet and your clothes are wet and I’m just angry by this point. Additionally, have a micro dose of labor-like cramps. Because a week per month couldn’t be complete without those. The best part about the whole ordeal is no matter how many weeks between cycles, somehow blessedly I forget how terrible it is until the next one creeps up on me. Supplies!

Anyone remember when mini described tampons as running sticks? What about when, without warning, she tried to pull my tampon string out of me, then giggled like the 2 yr old she was? I do remember these events well. Now, I just keep telling her we’ll talk soon, avoiding a conversation I can only imagine will go something like this…”You mean, like every month? WHY?”

I sure hope other women out there are doing it right, never forgetting, enjoying pain-free periods, with dry tampons and a clockwork cycle. But, if not, you’ve come to the right place. Because I suck at being female. And lucky for all of you I have the ability to write about the trials of a monthly period on my famously infamous public platform.

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I ask you –

No catchy questions this time unless you have something enlightening to add here.

(The post This May Not Be For Everyone first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

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