Standing Out

Blend in. Fit in. Don’t cause a scene. All things I grew up believing were the best way to survive and thrive. Do you want to know what I think now? So glad you asked. Screw that. It’s a virtual impossibility for me to blend in. I laugh too loud. I have opinions. I’m passionate, especially when I’m right. And I worked too effing hard to get where I’m at…fitting in didn’t get me here. Standing out did. I’m going to revel in it!

Right after I do exactly what my chair tells me to do and say because doctorate life. Do you know how difficult it is to write a data collection process when you haven’t collected any data? Of course you want to know. Really hard! Apparently “because it makes sense” doesn’t answer the question “Why are you doing interviews?” Who knew. Still, I plug along with the researching and the writing and the submitting.

Turns out I’m terrified of falling. I don’t mean from heights, although I am scared of that, too. Specifically, in volleyball. But just right now. My knees still aren’t fully healed so even when I wear knee pads, always, I’m not willing to fall. 1. Because I know it’s going to hurt some. 2. Because it can’t be great to continue damaging the bones/muscles behind my knees. I sort of wonder if that’s why my knee pain has progressively returned. Probably doesn’t help. And the foot pain has been out of control lately. Not only does the (primarily) right foot hurt but now the left foot is really screaming at me. I’ve been experimenting with different shoes during volleyball…alas, I’ve definitely learned what not to wear! I guess this is me finally committing to the surgery option in late 2025.

My newest addition to the workout lineup. No running! Cycling, as it happens, is minimal to no weight bearing and, also as it happens, turning out to be something I’m enjoying. Even if it isn’t my favorite sport, the no foot pain portion is definitely pulling me in.

_________________

I ask you –

Do you blend in?

What question do you find yourself asking the most? Me: Why???

Tell me your favorite activity!

(The post Standing Out first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Embrace the Change

…”Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”…

Those are the questions to ask when considering situations in which the options are to speak up or be silent. Although not mutually exclusive, it seems the best way forward is to answer these questions affirmatively: otherwise, stay silent.

I was honored with the opportunity to listen to an older gentleman who shared his perspective of returning “home” to finalize the estate of his late mother. His military career has taken him far and wide, here and there, yet he was notably saddened and a little perturbed at mentioning his friends and family’s reactions to his brief, sporadic trips. His disdain for the commonly repeated phrase “you’ve changed” or “you never visit” or the constant demand for time and attention when he returns without an offer to ever repeat the gesture was tangible. Somewhere during this conversation it struck me that these encounters happen no matter your age, status, or socioeconomic status. You will change. You should. And there will be people who only know how to take what you can give. So surround yourself with people who recognize the change… and embrace it.

Often I set myself up for disappointment when my expectations surpass ability. I know I’ve mentioned this same issue countless times but it plagues me. The latest example is not feeling satisfied with the small portion of my literature review due in a few weeks. I want to include passion, the emotions it elicits, the “me” of this research. But that’s not the goal. It should be straightforward, a masterpiece of regurgitation of others’ research. Why is it so hard? Because everything I do is laced with the excellence I expect of myself. 110%. Every time. No excuses. And somehow what keeps me going is also my biggest flaw.

In other news, I finished that literature review. To my knowledge, it’s exactly what they were looking for. Was it painful? Mostly yes. But I make easy things difficult for a living.

_____________________________

I ask you –

Do you find silence difficult to achieve?

Are you aging with mischief?

Name something you always make so much more difficult than it has to be. I’d like to answer for mini: bedtime routine.

(The post Embrace the Change first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Another Miscalculation!

I’ll do my best at this analogy – a PhD is somewhere between childbirth and the stomach bug…very exciting but makes you very nauseous. In keeping (mostly) with my tradition of not looking ahead at courses because hello, nauseous I realized some time ago that I wasn’t doing myself any favors and probably should plan more for what’s ahead. Control the controllables and all that. And it worked out.

Taking my new bag from The Note Bags with me!

Then, it came to a point where I needed to repeat the looking ahead process and I got a little shocked when I believed I would be completing the actual fieldwork part of this research next Spring (a year from now). Instead, I will spend the summer writing the lit review (which is actually great timing) and the fall is dedicated to the research and methods portion. Great, I was an entire season off in my calculations. Sure, it sounds like no big deal, why stress when we haven’t even made it through spring yet much less summer. But that’s what I do. I stress!

I know for sure I’m going to the border. Despite some who have attempted to talk me out of it, that’s where my research will take me. Surely my limited, rusty Spanish, sarcasm, and wit will keep me out of trouble and prevent inadvertent kidnappings. I talk too much to be a valuable asset. This is why…border communities are stigmatized. Much to my point of going there!

_____________

I ask you –

Have you heard of The Note Bags?

What are your stress levels like? 30. Minimum.

Go ahead – give me your best safety advice.

(The post Another Miscalculation! first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)

Not Being Dramatic

Final grade: A-

Well, that’s done. The longest 8 weeks ever. What’s that saying about challenging things change you? Or something like that. I don’t feel changed, but I most certainly was challenged! Within an inch of my life and sanity. And to think I may have the same professor the next 8 weeks. I won’t make it. I found myself spouting some grandiose BS for a majority of the course, even some that was so convincing I believed me for a second. But only for a second.

But – I am pleased to report that I have made a friend! Just one. Let’s not get carried away. His name is Mike and we are now official pen pals, if you will. He’s also a part of the same doctoral program, hence the friendship. If you’ll recall, my best friend, Sam, was also attending Liberty and we were expecting to graduate at the same time. However, life happens and she’s on an extended break while she underpromises and overdelivers in her work life; seriously, she can do anything so unselfishly that I’m both proud of her and also frustrated because she refuses to ask for help.

So, at this time, she’s focused on other things, and although I have never felt the need to replace her, I was in dire need of an ally to commiserate with regarding the loneliness and frustration of the program. And then Mike came along! If you’ll recall, I reached out to several classmates for help early on and it took awhile before anyone got back to me. I was very disappointed. His background is much different than mine but he appears to have experience with grant funding, budgeting, and several other things I’m clueless about so hopefully the tiny network I’m building will prove valuable.

I barely squeaked by with my A avg intact. It was brutal.

__________

I ask you –

Have you ever felt like a determinate length of time is somehow longer than normal?

Do you over promise? Be truthful!

Tell me the lowest grade you ever received.

(The post Not Being Dramatic first appeared here at Running on Fumes.)