Upon My Demise, Grant Me These Wishes

WARNING: Dark post today. If you have ill feelings regarding the day you depart this world, please skip. Also, if you have any problems with dark humor and/or laughter associated with a grievous time, then, again, please skip. It is not my intention to offend. However, for some of my loyal followers, right now you’re clapping gleefully, impatiently awaiting this true masterpiece of a post. I’m sending you a virtual curtsy. You’re welcome.

It’s virtually impossible to speak of death without paying homage to life and health. Clearly, Kel. I understand many times what brings people into my workplace can be a very real possibility of facing their own mortality sooner than expected. Tears and words of affirmation encompass our conversations and I always share how happy I am they’ve made a decision to change their life. That first step across the threshold can literally be the difference between life and death.

In prefacing this post with the above words, now I share my humor. There is nothing funny about death or dying or someone being fearful for their own life. Nothing. What is funny to me is the litany of mistakes I’ve made during these discussions with friends that really has resulted in me establishing a bit of a bad reputation for inappropriate humor. Sam, if you’re reading this, I’m still so very sorry. Truly I should have lost friends for not being supportive in their times of need. In my defense, a simple misunderstanding or unclear communication (or both) have been the culprit. But I would be lying if I didn’t blame myself for not being able to adequately control my own laughter. Brittney H., I’m sorry, too. It really is a common part of my life. Death and laughter. It’s been happening consistently since I was 10 years old. Dad, broken record here, I’m sorry again. In case you’re still wondering, I wasn’t laughing when laughter was expected. Oh no, that would be too easy. I am a laugher at the most inopportune time.

Please have a seat and bear with me –

It all started in 1996.

Yikes. That’s a lot of years. You do the math, but it would appear I have a serious problem. An epidemic at the very least. A chronic condition of laughter. I thought laughter was the best medicine. I was….shhhhh…wrong. Haha! I’m not wrong! Laughter is the best medicine still. I stand by my opinion.

After a long and fruitful life, I’d like a few things to be remembered about me. 1) I love cookies. 2) I have the worst sense of humor. 3) I never knew what I was doing, but I had a great knack for winging it and it all working out.

Now, a few things I’d like you all to do for me at my service (oh do I have a surprise for you all! just wait! to whom is in the know – it might single-handedly be the best idea ever): 1) Please remain seated. I don’t need any of that get up/sit down/get up again nonsense. I understand respectfulness. I’m expired. No respect expected. Just wave at my family.

2) I’d like every other song to be an inappropriate song of the most inappropriateness. Example: play some Silver Wings because I think it’s a beautiful song, then play Baby Got Back because I loathe that song and it would make my best friend the happiest person alive. I’d also like it to be sing-along style so you all have to participate. Dance, too. When my twin sister (did I ever mention there’s 2 of me? no? ok, I’ll rectify this situation asap) glares at you all with her old lady eyes, dance even more inappropriately and stare back at her. It will be hilarious. Trust me. If you need other song choices, please play The Dance by Garth Brooks, then play Bad Girlfriend by Theory of a Deadman. I also would like Sunshine by Steve Azar and Ulay, Oh by How I Became the Bomb. Please follow these with Alone by Halsey and some terrible dance soundtrack from the 90s, like the Macarena. Towards the end, play some old Phil Collins, Genesis, or Foreigner, but remove the lyrics so we can see how many people still know the words.

3) Someone has to read my prepared autobiography. It can’t be my Munchkin – I will most likely embarrass her traumatically. I’ll highlight the portions to read. It will probably be lengthy. Lengthy is an understatement at this point. Can you imagine what it will look like in 10 years! All the more reason to be sitting. Bring water, too. Or wine. Can’t have you dehydrated. The remainder of the book will be for sale at the door; all proceeds benefit the Children’s Aid Society of West Texas, Inc. and the Autism Society.

Hmmmm what else? For now, this list will do. I’ll expand it as life carries me down the road. Stay tuned and feel free to chime in with your own ideas!

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I ask you –

Do you, too, have a dark sense of humor?

How do you feel about karaoke?

Favorite charities or benefactors and why?

Nutrition and That Scary “D” Word

You know what I think of every time I see someone step on the scale? Of course you want to know! I think about rushing over to them to say the scale is broken and you’re reading it wrong. It really says “STRONG”. It doesn’t state a number. It says “STRONG”. Nothing more, nothing less. When Munchkin steps on the bathroom scale and asks me what it says, I tell her “strong”. Proud Mama moment: when she asked me to get on the scale and she proudly proclaimed it too said “strong”, then she said we were the same. You’re right, my baby love. We are the same. And we are STRONG!

D.I.E.T. aka the scary D word. According to Merriam-Webster (the word definition guru), a diet is “the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats”. I prefer to disregard the verb ‘dieting’ or similar terminology like ‘going on a diet’. What I eat every day is my diet. It’s not something I go on or complete.

Especially for females, the pressure is high to live our lives according to a number – either on the scale or a size category of clothing. However, men are not immune to this thought process. Value is placed on how big or small we are perceived or even perceive ourselves. It makes it difficult to raise an impressionable young Munchkin. I read an article about a mother who didn’t know what to say when her daughter loudly proclaimed someone was fat. The young mother did the best she could in saying everyone has fat, but it doesn’t mean someone is fat. Body positivity starts so early. I won’t dwell on the issues of body shaming because I also believe in sticks and stones but our tiny humans deserve a life free of insecurity based on something that can’t be controlled. Run free, boys and girls! Enjoy your boundless energy. I’ll just be over here sulking. And tired.

Nutrition requires one to navigate the roller coaster known as balance. 70/30. 80/20. Pick a balance that works for you. 70-80% of your time should be healthy choices so that 20-30% of the time you can enjoy life. Birthday cake happens. Did I mention I love cake? Eating out with friends happens. It’s perfectly normal and expected! Live your life! Just know tomorrow will be here before you know it. That’s when it is time to step back on the wagon. Tomorrow will come. Who’s idea was that anyway?!

You know what’s funny about the photo above? 1) I accidentally brought Munchkin’s knife with me. You know, the one with no sharp end and an extra short handle. That knife. 2) It looks picturesque…but it’s a lie. What you don’t see is the pizza I had for lunch. I’m sharing with you the healthy meal of the day, not the one where I threw caution to the wind.

Balance, remember?

We’re going to live our lives the only way we know how: by putting one foot in front of the other. No one said it would be easy. Where’s that manual they said would come with my life? Has anyone seen it? Each day, I do my best to find a balance between a previously unhealthy relationship with the scale and food and making sure life doesn’t get in the way of having fun. Ultimately, food should be fun!

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I ask you –

What’s your honest opinion of living a life of balance? Is it attainable or a fairy tale?

What did your last meal consist of?

Any ideas on how to cut chicken with a dull knife?

Body after Baby

Do you have young children? Infants? Toddlers? Or are your children in their teens, twenties, grown up and moved away? Do you keep telling yourself it’s time to get rid of the baby weight?

Boy do I have good news for you!

The answers to all your problems is in this little bottle! Vitameatavegamin! – huge I Love Lucy fan, check out “Lucy Does a TV Commercial” for the reason why 10% alcohol in a bottle of health supplements is a BAD idea. Find it at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcZ9JZZRWM0

Truthfully, it doesn’t matter how old your children are – there is a never a better time to begin focusing on you than now. Right. Now. Yesterday has come and gone. But today is still an option! Tomorrow is a close second.

Some ladies will find it easier than others to get back in the gym, workout from home, balance motherhood with a new human you’re responsible for caring for until…whenever. And the rest of us? Hahahahaha! What is this balance you speak of? Munchkin is 3 and I think I just now got it kinda worked out! Way to go, Kel! Aside from your own internal cheering squad, it may be a long time (ahem, years; a decade even) before you come to the startling conclusion you are still in there, under the skin and muscle and bone, and maybe you’re pleased with the results you’ve attained. Or you may not recognize her at all. That’s ok! You’re doing a great job, Mama!

Fact: it can take up to 8 full weeks for your hormones to return to “normal” levels post-childbirth. Other fact: it could potentially be 18 years before the previous fact is accepted as fact. Maybe longer. I’m just guessing. So even if it’s been awhile since your baby wore diapers, the hormone swings can affect you just as much now as then.

Let’s talk about menopause. This must be everyone’s favorite subject, right? Perimenopause can occur as early as your mid-to-late 30’s. Oh great! The hormonal shifts during this time vary erratically and can affect your ability to lose weight, build muscle, and not yell at the dog. Many women complain of short-term memory problems or difficulty concentrating during this transition, too. Haha you thought it ended after you gave birth? Good try! Wait. Did it end? I can’t remember. My point, which I don’t entirely remember at this moment, is that your body will go through many changes post-baby. From pregnancy to birth, from postpartum to menopause, your body is constantly adjusting to shifts in weight, balance, and hormones – all responsible for how well (or not) you’re able to shape the body you have, as well as deal with stress. Final fact: Exercise is widely known to increase overall health and a sense of well-being. It positively affects your endorphins, the brain’s feel-good neurotransmitters. And feeling good is our goal!

In the meantime, let us help you get moving toward your goals. Be it weight loss, muscle-building, or training for an event, we’re here to help. I’ll even provide comedic relief when the sweat drips in your eyes and you fear blindness.

No one said it would be easy. Either category you’ve found yourself in, you’ve come to the right place. I feel your pain. I feel your disappointment. I feel your jaded hope. I also feel how you’re ready to change your life. I will be with you each step of the way. Note: if you’re one of the lucky few who have it all figured out, teach me your ways!

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I ask you –

How old are your children?

Fun fact: I’m a twin. There’s 2 of me! Any of you have twins in your family? Triplets? Quads?!

Have any advice for those experiencing perimenopause? You know, so I can be even more terrified than I am already.