Freedom + Secret Keeper

I’ve had to learn how to share. Some days are harder than others. Social media makes it nearly impossible to have a private life. So bear with me when I find it difficult to do so. Writing is the outlet I crave.

For a very long time, it felt like much of my life was a huge secret. I didn’t know any other way. Then the military paid me to keep secrets. 99 years, but who’s counting. It’s what I do. I keep secrets. And I keep them well. I don’t love it, really. The burden is so very heavy. On the bright side, I’ve perfected the nod and smile of zero confrontation. Makes conversation somewhat difficult but it’s a skill nonetheless. Have smile; will travel!

rock and a hard place

But the price I pay for holding them in? No amount exists. It’s tough. It has ruined relationships, damaged my own psyche, and changed the way I view life. The lenses aren’t clear. Having to learn the difference between shame and guilt, as an adult, was almost demoralizing. How could I not know these basic concepts? In short, I wasn’t really taught them. I was taught/learned manipulation. Taking care of myself was considered selfish yet it was the only way I knew how to live.

Not one to dwell on the past, live and learn (better ways). There’s many amends I still need to make. I’m thankful for Him who loved me through it all. But it was hell getting there. Now I know I can’t do it alone. I don’t even want to anymore! I no longer fear judgment or condemnation or the “jaw drop”. Another’s opinion of me is simply none of my business.

‘We may impress people by our strengths, but we connect with them through our vulnerabilities.’ Wish I had come up with this one on my own; alas, I am not brilliant all the time.

Most of it though!

___________________

I ask you –

How well do you keep secrets?

Are there apologies you still owe others?

On a scale of 1-10, how brilliant are you? 9.5. Have to leave some room for error!

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