With a rather dark anniversary in my life approaching, much of my group discussions have centered on peace and forgiveness. As I explained, I expected a washing over of divine peace and all the good feelings when I said aloud the words “I forgive you”. Yeah, not so much.
Fast forward to the good stuff. It didn’t come. No butterflies appeared. No washing of anything. End of post. Haha you don’t get off that easily. Seems I was mistaken – don’t tell anyone – when I thought it was the end of my journey into forgiveness. Granted it’s been an almost 25 year process, but surely it can’t last forever, right? Right?!
Doubts begin to creep in regarding my ability to forgive my dad for his actions surrounding his death. I think the fallout and unanswered questions were more hurtful. I remember running on the treadmill in/around Dec 2018 and stopping mid-run because the tears wouldn’t cease. It felt like everything I’d bottled up was exploding from me (again). Maybe it was because I had finally experienced a profound love in my life; maybe it was destined to happen then. Who knows. But I somehow knew I had finally found forgiveness for the man I only knew for 10 short years.
It was miraculous. Life changing even. There was an inner smile, a light no one could extinguish. But all lights eventually go out. Time went on, patterns changed, and although I found my own forgiveness of him that day, every day since has been a battle. My heart gets heavy, I retreat inside myself, and I vow never to feel that type of hurt ever again. News flash! Hurt happens regardless.
Without a true sense of closure, I imagine I’ll live with this until I die. Little reminders will always trigger me. Dates in November and December may have me crying, unable to express the loss I feel, but dark days don’t last forever. Peace is found in the little things; He who watches over me ensures sorrow is replaced with light.
I believe it, if only by faith.
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I ask you –
Are there dark times/days in your life?
Have you ever intended to forgive someone?
If you or anyone you know is considering suicide, please call 800-273-8255 or visit the Suicide Prevention Lifeline using the Home link below. Your life is important!
Running on Fumes 